Discover Top Posts Tagged with #personal: 2016

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#you #personal: 2016

Why is seeing who your boyfriend follows on instagram so heartbreaking??? I just can’t stand it and I can’t stand that I can’t stand it. it’s frustrating because I know that what I’m feeling towards the situation is normal in a sense but i’m also well aware that he’s allowed to follow and enjoy what he enjoys like everyone else??? Like it’s such an insignificant little aspect of our relationship, like hugely irrelevant.. but i still can’t get around or over it. I hate seeing more beautiful, attractive, nicely shaped girls all over his follow list because I know then that every day he’s waking up or turning to instagram whenever he’s bored and seeing all these women with his perfect ideal body, skin and face and I just can’t deal with it. Like it feels like it’s ripping my heart in half when I think too hard about it??? Haha, I honestly can’t describe it any better than that and it’s just sooo beyond stupid even in my own head, but I just can’t quit feeling so insanely insecure about it. I’ve compared myself to others my WHOLE life, like everyone else, but now being in this relationship I feel like it’s literally amplified itself even more, more so again because of instagram, I see all the girls he follows and I can’t help but rip myself apart looking at them. I care about who he looks at and finds attractive and no matter how much and well he reassures me, I still go back to feeling insanely shit within myself knowing I don’t look like these girls.

I hate feeling like this.

#personal: 2016

#you #personal: 2016

I have never had this many mood swings in my whole damn life, and I know it's directly linked to my birth control (on top of other things) but I just can't take it anymore, I'm so beyond happy while being so beyond sad. I'm crying almost everyday, more so on my period because lol of course, but seriously my hormones are haywire, I could be having the best day of my life and see something and suddenly I want to escape into my room for weeks on end and not talk to anyone. I feel alone while being so loved and all of this is just reminding me of my days where I struggled heavily with my thoughts and mind in general, although I am in a better place right now I notice one off thoughts creeping back in at random, causing me to have panic attacks just from over thinking everything and everyone and people's intentions and life and my future, etc. I feel like I can't breathe, like the emotional feelings I have are so overwhelming sometimes it starts to feel physical and like my body is about to collapse in on itself. I know that's my anxiety and panic mode setting in but what for??? Nothing serious has happened to trigger this. All of this is just me overthinking. I see or hear one thing and it breaks my whole day.

I'm so scared people are going to get sick of me and although I'm very secure and happy in my relationships in life (constantly being reassured when I need to be, told how loved I am, etc) I still feel so unstable within myself, easily defeated and like every little crack in me is slowly getting bigger again and I can’t help but feel like me being like this is slowly pushing people away. I know I need to do something about it before it gets too crazy for myself to handle again, so obviously my first step is getting my birth control changed, I’ve heard so many bad things about the one I’m on (YAZ) yet I still continued on with it hoping that it would get better, it hasn’t. It’s screwed up my cycle, my emotions and just various little things since being on it. It’s clearly the wrong one for me so that’ll be the first thing I’ll do. I’ve always been an emotional person but to this extent? Maybe when I was truly struggling with certain things sure, but for right now I don’t have a true reason to be feeling the way I am feeling and I hate it. Everyone is valid to feel like shit whether you’re going through something or not, but I know this isn’t me and these emotions are far too amplified for myself personally right now so all I can do is try to help myself feel better by improving little things here and there.

I stared typing this up yesterday when I was having a really bad afternoon, not a literal bad afternoon but bad in the sense where I was feeling heavily depressed and like I could cry a river endlessly for hours. What made it was worse was that those emotions hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where, I didn’t see them coming at all, something just flicked over and I got so intensely sad where I didn’t want to talk to anyone anymore, all I could think about was going away to be alone. It got me thinking about my week ahead and how I have a lot of free time coming up. I like being busy because it gives me less of a chance to over think and be alone for too long. Also knowing that my boyfriend has a really busy week means I’ll be hanging out for his messages constantly, time will go so slow waiting for his reply and I hate being so hung up on that. All I want is to talk to him and I know he’s busy with his uni work and sometimes there’s just not much to be said (even though we do talk constantly), I just always long for his attention and messages, even if they’re just him telling me what’s going in his day or if his essays are driving him insane or if someone said something cooked to him at uni blah blah blah. How did you become so important to me in the sense that I crave you, whether messages or presence, 24/7?

Anyways, I more so wanted to just hash out what I was feeling in that moment rather than rant, it’s so nice to be able to vent somewhere again. I used to do it on my makeup Instagram but then decided against it if I want to attract business or people in general. More so I remember growing up in my late teens-early 20′s and babbling like this on tumblr literally almost every week haha, so it was kinda nostalgic to type this out and get my thoughts and feelings off my chest, I forgot how therapeutic it was for me.

#personal: 2016