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Some above-tag stuff for once

As a general I try and avoid whiskey these days bc it disproportionately affects me (emotionally/mentally-speaking), so whereas it used to be my spirit of choice neat or otherwise, I now try to avoid it altogether. So on the very rare occasions that I do have a whiskey-based drink, I think I am always gobsmacked by how quickly it brings out a death drive in me. Like any alcohol past a certain point will probably bring that out in me, but there's something about whiskey that it doesn't matter how small or mixed of a drink it is, it's just immediate lol.

Which is a pity bc I truly do love it and find it to be one of the most interesting alcohol groups out there, but jesus there is truly something in the (whiskey) water with it.

#god do I miss whiskey though 😩 truly gods most perfect drink (mostly unserious but also.)#I feel like tonight it just another good reminder of how conscious I have to be of it. like at this point I think I truly just gotta #restrict it to getting manhattans w my spouse's dad whenever we're seeing him bc I absolutely love getting manhattans with him #but I think that's gotta be my whiskey quota for the year lol #useless post is useless #personalpersonalpersonal

This is too long to type into the tags so actual text post we go :x

The Seattle Pride Parade is this Sunday and I'm in a bit of a situation because my friend has brought up a few times the idea of going together. This friend is an older lesbian whose views are sometimes deeply rooted in the era they came up in (which of course makes sense), so sometimes we disagree on things, and at times I struggle with the things that I feel she is not very open minded about. She can also be extremely opinionated and judgy about things, the latter of which is something I really struggle with in our friendship.

Going together would mean a lot to her. She's particularly interested in going this year for a lot of the same reasons I'm interested; it's a year that feels particularly important to Show Up to, and it's nice to have a sense of community during these times. And I think feeling a sense of community would be really good for her in particular right now, as I think she hasn't been as social this year since she had a falling out with one of her closest friends last fall.

But I also want to be able to go to the celebration and enjoy it for the things I want to enjoy. It's Seattle. There will be Pups and kinksters and people in lingerie and bodies on display. There will be sex worker positivity and furries. There will be trans bodies that might not look "one way or another." And I just want to be able to enjoy and participate in all of that without having to deal with her judgements. So I feel a little caught between wanting to protect my own peace and right to enjoy things, and also knowing when it's necessary to step up for someone else.

When I've been thinking about it I'm like, Roshon, you can't assume what will happen, it's not fair. But then like today, it came up and she was talking about all of the reasons she felt it was important this year (not as a pressuring me to go kind of way, but just in general), and then immediately followed it with a kind of disparaging comment about people wearing skimpy things to it lol.

Anyway, I think the most obvious solution is that we go and if she's really making too many comments then I bring it up. Which will probably hurt at the time and be uncomfortable but that's probably the most adult thing to do.

#useless post is useless #personalpersonalpersonal #but it's not as Edgy(tm) as my posts under that tag usually are lol #Going to stuff with her can at times be very difficult bc she is not a quiet person when she has opinions or judgements lol

Some thoughts-

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Since I’ve let myself be more open to the idea of not identifying as female (a bit over a year now, at this point), I definitely feel like I’ve felt an increasing desire to keep going down that path, even as I still hesitate. Before last year, I had definitely noticed that something felt off when my identity was assumed female, and I definitely noticed a change when I started letting myself refer to myself as not necessarily female identifying. It just felt Right.

And I feel like I want to keep going further with it. Like for some reason the past few days in particular I felt more of a reaction to people referring to me with female identifiers, and I don’t have any issue with female pronouns being used for me (in the same way I’m fine with really any pronoun) but I guess what makes it feel Off is when it’s assumed that the female pronoun is THE one to use, if that distinction makes sense. I want it to be A pronoun that’s used, but not THE pronoun that’s used for me.

So it’s like, maybe I should start taking this a step further if it’s something that really affects me?

I am also curious if part of this exacerbation comes from being in a relationship with someone who is (more or less) cis male, and because of that and because of heteronormativity, it makes my “femaleness” more prominent. Or it makes me feel like my “femaleness” is more cemented.

(Also as clarification- my partner is really great about accepting and being open to both my identity(ies) and discussing notions of identity in general. So this isn’t necessarily an antagonism of him- I already know with some certainty that he’d be very supportive of me in any identity-related decisions.)

So anyway, just some thoughts. I feel like I’ve been feeling less comfortable with female identifiers being used for me. But I also very much believe in the idea that identities and comfortability change as we go through life, which is not necessarily a bad thing. So I’m very conscious of the fact that I might be thinking differently further down the road. But for now, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#useless post is useless #personalpersonalpersonal #just recording some thoughts #sorry on mobile so too lazy to do a readmore lol

#I think I am slowly starting to transition to 'writing for myself' which is...really nice #honestly I think the distance (not necessarily on purpose mostly due to just being busy sand having different habits in college) have been #the reason for it- even though I do still really like Tumblr and maybe don't have the same vendetta against it as some folks do (and have #the right to!) I also can't deny that having some distance from it has been good #I'm sure it's also just that I've grown up some- either way it's kinda a nice realization to have that I'm writing (fanfiction or otherwise)#because I want to or because I want to write about different ideas I have and I maybe share it with one or two people- rather than feeling #like I'm writing FOR the validation of others. of course there is still some of that there- it doesn't go away overnight- but it's #definitely the quieter voice now; and that's c:#/////thanks for reading if you got this far ;;o;;#personalpersonalpersonal

#man there are times where I wonder why I bother trying lol #useless post is useless #personalpersonalpersonal #whoa hello sudden downward spiral

(Under a readmore just bc it’s less immediately visible; cw on substances talk but mostly just talking aloud)

Trying to figure out how to phrase this in a way that doesn’t come across as judgmental bc it’s not, I’m just genuinely curious what it is about me wherein folks who could be classified as functioning alcoholics are a reoccurring theme in my life. I think more likely the answer is that I’m viewing it in a “me” centered way when it doesn’t have anything to do with me at all.

Anyway, like I said, just kinda noodling on this.

Less serious, but is c just way more accessible than I think it is or am I just too naive/a weenie to figure it out?? Goddamn.

#useless post is useless #personalpersonalpersonal #not necessarily in a bad way this time but just some topics that could be a bit sensitive

cw: si

Sometimes I think about how the one time I decided I was worth calling the suicide hotline something happened and the line cut out halfway through lol which like damn hard to not impart meaning on that(not serious serious)

#dang roshon that's not light and fun for a saturday morning idk probably close to my period #and did have a beer last night idk maybe fallout from that #personalpersonalpersonal #also for the record it's possible that the issue was on my end like maybe I accidentally hit something on my phone during the call?