11:37pm
I feel as though I should write about the year since I have about 24 hours and some minutes shy left. Overall this year’s ratings Id give 2.5/5, personally however its a strong 4 / 3.9/5. Somehow every year I think this was theraputic, in some way or another. I go through the year, say the good things and the bad, run through the year in my mind, what I gained, what I didn’t and then post it.
So here we go, at the beginning of the year I was in love. With this guy, W.J.S. I loved him, and you do what you do when you love somebody, you attempt to grow them, make them better people. When you see so much potential in that one person you want more for them, you want to be a part of that more, you put your heart into their progress. But that fell through as it usually does. Some people believe that you can only have one love in your life, through experience I’ve realized that its not so. In some great way Im capable of loving people in many capacities, and have all of them be my purest version of love. But I learnt a final lesson this year, everything has been working up to this lesson. That how much you love someone, doesn’t diminish the capacity to which you must love yourself. Through all of that, and the last two drafts saved never to be seen about you I ended it.
Snippet.
“ But I still miss you, and I still hurt, because after all of this I still love you, it may actually mean something else to you, or less. But it doesn’t to me, I still think you wouldn’t be able to grasp or don’t grasp fully what I meant when I told you that I love you. All of me isn’t saying it for anything back, I don’t expect anything back I never would. Because tbh, thats not what I am. Not who I am. After what you said today, it makes me think that when this all falls apart, not even if, its when, when it falls apart if you’d tell me, “You loved me like a sister” because that would hurt me far beyond what anything else could. I hope I don’t do stupid things, you were my first, wasn’t naive to think that youd be my last but you mean a great deal to me, I’m putting myself at a lesser capacity, so I can be with you, in any way I can, depreciating myself for you. AS SAD as that sounds and as pathetic as it is, all the time I wish that this was infatuation, because infatuation is easier to get over, than love is. I’m loving someone that isn’t worth my love, isn’t this the worst heartbreak ever?”
Then through this, I found my next love, even though I fought it. Two great loves in one year, I should be lucky. I am. So to finish off this section I wish you the best, I did all I could for you; in that I hurt myself, but its over. I’ve met someone that see’s my worth, sees the strength in growing ourselves and still being with each other. Sees the value I see in myself and doesn’t just speak. Without you being my trial, I would have never met him + so I thank you for that.