I asked an ex if we could have sex.
It was more so a response to her because asked why did I ask what she was doing 24hrs later.
In that moment I could’ve said Nothing just wanted to see what you were up to. However , I’ve been tired of suppressing my voice when it comes to her .
So I said it. I wanted to smoke , listen to music or fuck. Or all of the above .
And her response was “ I probably would’ve said no because I’m trying to be healthier with certain things”.
Her response didn’t bother me . My gut tells me she’s lying. And that’s something I know for sure without asking . Language is one thing that I’m good at . Reading and writing. All of her messages have undertones. I’ve already mastered her mind.
I text back and said I get it . And no problem
To something else she said that’s not important to this rant.
That was it.
I walked into work and I was my ex’s partner or fuck buddy relief. God has a funny way of showing me exactly what I need to see. The moral of the story is I allowed my flesh to get the best of me .
I could literally fuxk and be with any womxn if I wanted to. But my want and desire lies with my ex. I’m trying to hard to remove myself and stay focus but to be honest I just want be fuxked the way I want and that be it. I don’t desire anything else . I don’t wanna kick it , I don’t wanna share my heart , I wanna share a good nut and maybe a blunt .
The current space I am in , I don’t have room for a commuted relationship for 2 reasons . I’m still in love with someone that will never be mine and I’m learning how to be in love with myself . There’s no room for a 3rd party . Because they will not have all of me . Or at least parts of me that are very present in relationships.
I know that healing is continuous and that my heart and mind will be better soon so that I can move on . I really wish I could be like her . Date hella people and fuxk and say fuck my heart and where it wants to be . There was only 1 time 4/30/21 that she told me she loved me and that she doesn’t want me out of her life . And that night we made love ….. and it was mind blowing . We hadn’t had sex like that in such a long time but the next day I knew when she sobered up it would change . Because she was bare bones with me and she let her heart take control. So in order to regain control she stopped fuxking with me . Now I know what you’re thinking . I’m not even gonna say it because I know … I know…. I guess even in the mature age of mine I still can’t seem to wrap my mind around how someone can sabotage something so beautiful… so easy… so present.