Seems like a winner. Box price is $79.95 but you can have it for $5 #plutoniumbaby #vhs #cultvideo #1987 #fatrabbitky (at Fat Rabbit Thrift & Vintage) https://www.instagram.com/p/B2zd_5rlwze/?igshid=1b7bc8usmvzfu
The Night A TRULY NUCLEAR FAMILY Came Home: PLUTONIUM BABY (1987)
With the world’s arsenal of nuclear weapons being slowly, yet surely, placed under the collective hands of petulant, narcissistic, short-sighted nitwits, the threat of a radioactive Armageddon has once again skyrocketed to the top of anxiety-inducing concerns for the global community. Some would tell you not to worry about the ever-present existential threat of mutually assured destruction, insisting that cooler head will prevail, but their calm in the face of this terrible peril is perhaps because they do not know the true danger that nuclear destruction will unleash. Few do. Sure, the obliteration of most of the human race and the complete destruction of the environment would be horrible, but the truly horrifying fate that awaits us out there… is the Plutonium Baby.
Yes, Plutonium Baby truly is a terrifying movie. Like the Old Ones of Lovecraftian lore, Plutonium Baby is guaranteed to drive all those who merely gaze upon it to be driven mad, unable to cope with the existential crises it raises. For the rest of their life, the viewer will be haunted by the questions raised by Plutonium Baby.
Yes, questions like, “How the hell did this movie get made? Like, the people involved have seen a movie before, right? They know what a movie looks like, right? They know what a sensible story structure looks like, right? It’s pretty much impossible to go through life, and especially to be involved with film, and to have never been confronted with a reference point for what a story looks like, so, how, for the love of Cthulhu, does a film like this get made without anyone realizing what an absolute piece of garbage it is?”
Questions like those will haunt me for the rest of my days.
Plutonium Baby, like many films, begins with a bit of reading. Though, perhaps because of the screenwriter’s embarrassment at his apparent illiteracy, the words scroll by at break-neck speed, gone before one can make out but a few words. All I could make out was that, in 1965, a baby was born who “glows in the dark,” but such a plot point does not actually exist in the film itself.
We open on a young flannel-wearing boy named Danny traversing through a forest, a scene that holds all the production value of secretly shooting in your local park. As he frolics through the trees to the sounds of the one 80′s garage band that was desperate enough to loan this film their music, Danny stumbles upon a work site. The construction workers pause their digging to sit, and then magically disappear between cuts, giving Danny the perfect opportunity to investigate an unearthed barrel of toxic waste.
Yes, we are once again looking at a film all about horribly conspicuous barrels of toxic waste. You see, Troll 3! This is what happens when you just push your problems out of sight instead of dealing with them! It just means that someone else is going to have to end up dealing with it!
As Danny opens up the barrel, a black spot on his neck begins to rapidly inflate and deflate. There’s a blinding light, and Danny is knocked unconscious. Luckily, he is discovered by his grandfather, Hank Adkins, who finds the locket of Danny’s mother inside the barrel. “Everything is going to be alright now,” he says, as he cradles Danny in his arms.
I certainly wish I could believe Danny’s grandfather, but, well, we’re like five minutes into this dreck, and I’ve already been forced to rewind the film several times in an attempt to figure out what the hell is happening and also pause the film on multiple occasions so that I can stare blankly at a wall and question everything I’m doing in life, so, um, no, I don’t believe that everything is going to be alright now.
We cut, and are introduced to Dr. Blake, a man who we know is a doctor because he always wears his lab coat, whether at work, at home, or in a forest. A man in a black suit comes into his apartment and states, “I’m with the Organization,” the kind of non-descript introduction that sounds like someone trying to trick a store clerk into giving them a discount. This Organization man has some urgent news about a court case involving Dr. Blake being reopened. “Hank Adkins has found some new incriminating evidence showing that his daughter, Emily, was murdered by the organization at the power plant.”
One wonders how it has taken 12 years to find evidence of this fact, when, as Dr. Blake is being told that two witnesses corroborate Hank’s evidence, the film cuts to scenes of these two witnesses being gun down in broad daylight by the Organization’s men. The company apparently works under the mindset of “There won’t be any witnesses if we murder all the witnesses.” Though given the overall incompetence they have exuded in just their introductory scene, their efforts undoubtedly just created many more witness, meaning this cover-up will soon have to exponentially increase to murdering everybody on the planet if they want to keep this under wraps.
You know, I said that the people from Troll 3 were worse at covering up criminal conspiracy than the Trump Administration, and I regret that statement… but only because this is now my new low for most inept cover-up ever.
Back in the forest, we’re introduced to a group of teenagers ready to camp. There’s couple Brad and Wendy, and couple Ken and Diane. Brad and Wendy sneak off the campsite to have sex with their underwear on, the latest fad. Brad is bitten by a radioactive rabbit creature. Ken and Diane head off to have sex as well, but are interrupted by a spying Danny. Ken forgives Danny for spying on them after he realizes he once met Grandpa Hank in these very woods many years ago. Yep, as the saying goes, “Meet a random old hermit who lives in the woods with his radioactive grandchild once, and the two of you will be friends for life.”
Wait, that’s not a saying? Huh. Could have sworn…
The film gives us a few scenes to help develop the relationship between Danny and Grandpa Hank. First, we watch them struggle for two hours, a time-frame that they later brag about, to catch a four-inch fish, which Danny promptly eats whole. Then, Grandpa Hank helpfully teaches Danny all about consent after Danny grabs Diane’s breast when he first meets her. It’s a valuable lesson, even if Hank’s rationale is “women have different parts than men,” and not, “Holy hell, Danny, other people are human beings and you shouldn’t be touching anybody without their permission, regardless of bodily features,” but, eh, Dany seems to understand well enough.
The development of this dynamic is important because Grandpa Hank is, sadly, not long for this world. Danny decides to hang out with the teenager he sexually assaulted, which everyone agrees is fine. Hank simply reminds Danny that he needs to go to town later so he can deliver a “very important letter.” The letter, as it turns out two lines of dialogue later, is not in fact that important, as, when Danny walks away with the letter unknowingly in his pocket, Hank decides that it’s pointless to call after him. Well, the guy did exhaust himself catching that four-inch fish earlier, so let’s give him a break, shall we?
Dr. Blake and the Organization men, after discovering some forever unexplained dead bodies in the forest, ambush Hank outside of his cabin. Blake demands that Hank sign a release form while holding him at gunpoint. This is of course totally going to hold up in court because... well, do we trust the word of an old man, who lives in the woods alone, or this doctor, who has now killed or threatened all the witness against him in very public fashion? Obviously, we’re going to trust the man with a lab coat!
Blake demands that Hank reveal what new evidence has been revealed, because this was apparently not information that Blake wanted to learn before holding the man at gunpoint. “The locket,” Hank responds. “I found it in a canister which had been buried before you had that old research plant where you buried her body after you killed her with those lousy experiments.”
I had to rewind the movie several times, write that sentence down, and reread it over and over again, and I still have absolutely no clue what it means, let alone how this is evidence that this Organization killed his daughter.
When Danny unexpectedly stumbles upon this hostage situation, Hank breaks free to warn him to stay away, and is promptly shot in the back by Blake’s men. “Guess I don’t need this release anymore,” Blake says, tearing up the recently signed documents. You know, after yesterday’s movie, I do appreciate a villain who realizes he doesn’t need to fill out paperwork if his goal is to just murder the person. I just don’t understand why they were even trying to do this (semi-) legally in the first place, when their whole “murder all the witnesses” plan was, somehow, going completely smoothly.
But seriously... Blake forces him to sign the papers… then just kills him and rips them up… …I just… this movie is just trolling me at this point, right…? Like, it has to be…?
Danny runs away and alerts the teenagers to the murder. They all decide that Danny must be telling the truth because he has blood on his shirt, which is, quite sadly, the most sensible example of evidence this film has shown yet. The five characters run off, with the organization men in pursuit.
The characters flag down a van for help, but two men jump out from the van and kidnap Diane and Wendy. The van drives off, but the kidnappers are attacked by a radioactive decomposing woman. Diane and Wendy escape the van, and reunite with the rest of the campers. That’s a subplot! These scenes could be completely cut out and the movie would literally not change in any way. This blog would have worked just as well without even bringing it up, too. So why did I bring it up? Because I need you guys to understand just how much of a complete waste of time this film is!
The group decide to camp out for the night, and discover that weird lumps and growths are appearing on Brad’s arm. “Maybe it was something you ate?” suggests Wendy. Yes, yes, could be that. Could also be THE FACT THAT HE WAS BITTEN BY A RANDOM MUTANT RABBIT LIKE 20 MINUTES AGO, which is what Wendy ends up guessing the second time around. Said mutant rabbit is also captured by Danny after he starts a fire with his hands, but neither of these points end up being relevant.
There’s also tension in the group when the teenagers find and open Hank’s letter, apparently addressed to simply “The Supreme Court,” which details how Hank’s daughter, Emily, lost a child to her radioactive sickness. Ken and Wendy conclude that this must have been another grandchild of Hank’s. Brad suggests that the stillborn child actually survived and grew up to be Danny. Despite the fact that Brad’s conclusion is based on conjecture and a prejudice against people with birthmarks, it turns out that he is right. (DISCLAIMER: This Clever Blog Name Is Already Taken does not condone Brad’s views on people with birthmarks. Some, I assume, are good people.)
The story then hurtles towards a climax that’s just as nonsensical and unexplained as you would expect given the film so far. Brad goes crazy from the rabbit bite and kills Diane. The group returns to Hank’s cabin and are ambushed, because, well, duh. They’re about to be shot, when Brad shows up and kills some more people before being killed himself. Danny is held hostage by Blake, but then the radioactive decomposing woman shows up again, and is revealed to be Danny’s mother, Emily. Blake attempts to run from Emily, but almost immediately falls into a random toxic waste barrel wedged between some random rocks, and is sealed up inside, but not before Emily is shot and dies from the wounds.
And so, all our plot threads and mysteries are, more or less, solved. Well, solved, if you ignore insignificant questions like “What experiments were the Organization trying to cover up?”, “What is the Organization anyway?”, “Why did the Supreme Court not care that all of the witnesses were quite obviously being murdered?”, “Why did Hank write a letter saying his daughter’s son was still-born if he knew that Danny survived?”, “Why was Danny’s mother a radioactive monster, and who, if anyone, knew about her?”, “What was the point of the radioactive rabbit?”, and “Why was there a random empty radioactive barrel for Blake to fall into?”
Perhaps the most prominent question though is… HOW THE HELL ARE WE ONLY 40 MINUTES INTO THIS MOVIE????
That’s right. I’m sorry for lying to you, but that wasn’t actually the climax of the movie. We’re only halfway through.
Now, you may be asking, “Wait, what the hell do we still have to cover? The villain is defeated, half the characters are dead, and there’s no lingering plot threads (that the movie cares about resolving anyway, that is…).”
Well…
“You can come with us,” Wendy says to Danny. “To a place called… New York City.”
…
…You know, it took the Friday the 13th movies eight installments to completely run out of story, and resort to throwing Jason in Manhattan in a feeble attempt to keep the franchise going.
It took Plutonium Baby half of a movie to reach the same point of desperation.
Half. A. Movie.
It’s times like these when I really wish I could be the one who gets sealed into a barrel of radioactive waste.
Thankfully, the second half of the film is much more… tolerable, is perhaps the word… than the first. This may or may not be related to the fact that the intended 10 day shoot for the film was abruptly cut in half after the film’s original crew quit in protest and the director was subsequently replaced.
“10 YEARS LATER” reads an intertitle, before we fade in to footage of NYC. To my legitimate surprise, the film actually shot on location for a significant portion of this second half. There’s a dramatic pan up on a shot of the Empire State Building, the characters traverse Central Park, and there’s a montage of theaters, one of which was showing “Chopping Mall.” It’s a true testament to this movie’s awfulness that it makes me long for the cinematic coherence of Chopping Mall, much the same way many people found sudden nostalgia for George W. Bush after catching a glimpse at the latest President.
Danny is now a full-grown different actor, and has matured in many ways, including in his understanding of consent, as evidenced by his new relationship with a woman named Laura. After Danny wakes from a nightmare, the two have sex. The sex scene goes on for an excruciatingly long time, including several cuts indicating it’s even longer than we’re forced to watch it. Now, one may consider the length a compliment to Danny’s abilities, but given how absolutely awkward the sex is, consisting of a lot of rolling around with conveniently placed sheets wrapped around their bodies, flailing arms, and thrusting into thin air, I think it’s safe to say that Danny has exactly the skills one would expect for a man who grew up all alone in the woods with only his grandfather for company.
In a walk down a riverside, we learn a little more about Lauren and their relationship together. Lauren likes rivers because they flow past things and split into smaller streams. That is essentially just a definition of a river.
We’re also reintroduced to Wendy, now an aerobics instructor, in another excruciatingly long montage sequences of her training her latest group of employees. “I’m glad the three of us stayed so close,” Danny says when he visits Wendy at the aerobics studio. Wow, yeah, it is really nice that you’re all still such great friends 10 years later! Typically, when one bring a radioactive child with then to NYC after a scientist murders his father in an attempt to cover up a nuclear power plant disaster, before he is trapped in a radioactive barrel by the aforementioned radioactive child’s radioactive mutant mother, you tend not to remain a part of each other’s lives. That’s just the nature of time.
Speaking of scientist trapped in barrels of nuclear waste, we cut back to the forest, where two hikers stumble upon Dr. Blake’s barrel. Now, there could be plenty of sensible reasons why someone would end up opening a barrel of nuclear waste found in the woods. One might write a scene in which the EPA investigates the barrel, and opens it, unleashing Dr. Blake on the world again. However, if you don’t have the budget and/or enthusiasm for this rational series of events, you may go with the path Plutonium Baby takes, in which the hikers open this radioactive barrel because they think it would be a good place to keep their beer cold. To be fair, it’s not like a little nuclear waste is going to make beer taste any more awful than it already does.
And so, Dr. Blake emerges from the barrel, now a radioactive monster himself. He begins to make his way to NYC, instinctively knowing that Danny is there. Danny also knows that Dr. Blake has returned, the two sharing a telepathic bond due to the fact that they both are radioactive.
Just go with it, at this point.
As Dr. Blake makes his way through NYC, Danny struggles with what to do about a weird growth that appears on his leg, seemingly the first health complication that this irradiated man has faced in his life. “When you’re sick, you see a doctor,” Lauren pleads, once again proving that she is a character who knows the definition of words. However, Danny is afraid of Lauren finding out how “different” he is, and refuses to seek help.
After seeing an ad for Wendy’s aerobics studio, Dr. Blake uses a pay phone to get more information. “I was impressed with the blonde in the ad,” he breathes into the public phone. “And since I was working for a casting agency, I was hoping you could give me some… information…” Despite this caller not giving his name, the name of his casting agency, calling only from a public phone, speaking in the creepiest manner possible, and using the past-tense for a present-tense situation for no other reason than the screenwriter being illiterate, the operator gives Dr. Blake the requested information. Eh, it’s 1980s New York. They really didn’t give a crap.
So, in a sequence even more drawn out that Danny’s big sex scene, Dr. Blake stalks Wendy through her apartment as we watch her go through all the steps of making soup. Eventually, he kills Ken and snaps Wendy’s neck. When Danny discovers the body, he calls Lauren to warn her. This scene of Danny dialing the phone has six cuts. This film couldn’t even shoot a guy dialing a phone in one take. To be fair, it is a rotary phone.
Lauren tells Danny that she’ll meet him at the aerobics studio, but Dr. Blake meets her there first. When Lauren pulls off Blake’s sunglasses and hat, Blake informs her that she must die now, apparently concerned that someone might recognize his mutated, decomposing face. Danny shows up in time, and the two fight in slow motion on the rooftop. Danny chokes Dr. Blake to death, the only way to kill an undead, radioactive monster, but not before Dr. Blake literally just rips out a handful of Danny’s stomach, killing him.
In the film’s epilogue, Lauren now has given birth to Danny’s child. After struggling for a literal minute to grab a live fish out of a fishbowl, she feeds it to the baby whole, indicating that this child is radioactive, just like their father. Is this the Plutonium Baby? Was Danny? Was his mother Emily? Was Dr. Blake? This movie has too many radioactive characters. Some would say it has four too many.
You know, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same after having seen Plutonium Baby. Like a sudden, unexpected blast of nuclear radiation that penetrates one’s body on a subatomic level, Plutonium Baby has irreparably changed my very being. Like the blinding flash of a detonated nuclear bomb, the mere sight of Plutonium Baby imbues in one an inescapable dread, a deep existential crisis as one has to grapple with fact that this is it. This is a movie. Someone paid money to make this, enough money to shoot on location in NYC. Someone paid to release this. Someone okayed this for release. An affront to the simple art of storytelling, Plutonium Baby is unadulterated garbage, defined by its inept editing, illiterate script, and mind-numbing lack of logic. It’s the type of movie that makes you long for the sweet release of a nuclear apocalypse.
Plutonium Baby is available to stream on Amazon Prime, and is on DVD.
NEXT: The Night CRACKHEAD FRANK GORSHIN AND THOSE DARN HIPPIE COMMIE ROCK-AND-ROLL CULTISTS Came Home...
