#pointless talks

[maybememoriesx]

Sometimes it really sucks just how much things have changed in a year. And I really wish they didn't.

[maybememoriesx]

Sometimes it hurts hearing my husband talk to his LDG. Like I'm happy he has more love and support and I like his girlfriend. But I just feel like a third wheel lol. Out of the almost three years we've opened our relationship to being polyamorous I haven't had very good experiences. 🙃 makes a girl feel a type of way about herself. And it already wasn't a very good type of way.

[maybememoriesx]

Ya girl really doesn't want to deal with life right now. 🙃

[maybememoriesx]

So apparently I'm suppose to receive good news today, from what a "if you see this, it's meant for you" tik tok 🤣 we shall see.

[maybememoriesx]

I really wish my brain didn't betray me like it does.. Everything lately feels likes it's becoming too much to handle and I don't know how to stop the feelings.

Even when I sleep to get away, my own mind hurts me. Shows me things I wish I had or want so badly. Just for me to wake up and be reminded that it's not real. Will most likely never be real.

Over thinking and being triggered is getting worse. I've been told I'm "more jumpy" lately or more panicky. I don't even think my anxiety/depression medicine isn't working as well.

The thoughts of not being good enough or that I'm not needed feel like they're at full force as well. It's been hard lately even trying to talk to anyone. I feel like I'm just a waste of time. No one needs my problems when they have their own.

I just need things to stop for a while.

[maybememoriesx]

I've had enough life for today. I'd like to go to bed now.

[maybememoriesx]

The moment when you realize just how much things have changed already this year.. and its not even like a good change or one that you wanted. But its one you have to deal with because things just don't feel like they're right anymore.

[maybememoriesx]

So for the first time ever tonight I had to kick a group out of a room at work.

So the series of events happened leading up to it.

-the large group of 10 people come upstairs and it takes them 15 minutes to get signed in and use the rest room because they're all completely wasted. (except maybe 1 or 2 people)

-i finally get them to their room send them in and I ✨try✨ to go over rules, telling them not to climb and stand on things, that if something is suppose to move that it'll do so easily, no breaking, prying things etc. Two of the guys (these two are the reason they got kicked out) just keep interrupting me, messing with things that I told them not to etc. They thought when I would tell them not to mess with something that it was the opposite?

-they settled down some after they got started. So I let them play.

-about 30 minutes in they get to the maze and just completely go fucking stupid. So they start aggressively banging on stuff, guy 1 starts trying to pry the watch room door open saying that's how they escape the room. They realize the ceiling fans start to stop because someone turned them off from the maze.. so then he tries climbing on a chair that I told him not to. The others tell him he can't do that. So then he jumps up onto the bar stand and proceeded to try to stop the fan with his hand. So I open the door and tell him he needed to get down. So he starts fighting back with me "well you said not to stand on the chairs and I wasn't on a chair" I say "no I told you not to climb on the tables, chairs or bar" (which he would have fucking known if they would have listened) then he keeps telling me how stupid I was for putting writing on the fans and expecting people to not do that.

-guy in orange shirt asks if they're almost done and I tell them not really.

-i told them just to take it down a notch and shut the watch room door and as soon as I did the guy in the orange shirt started throwing items from the room at the door. Like from across the room very hardly.. So then I open the door and tell them they need to leave.

-guy is orange shirt says "I didn't throw anything at you, I threw it at the door"

-as they're leaving guy 1 is calling me names and shit because I kicked them out and orange shirt guy is just making a fuss telling me I'm a 5 star rating and just being an absolute ass hole.

I made sure they left the building since my coworker is 17. If the wouldn't have I would have called the cops.

After they were gone did I have a panic attack and call my husband crying? Yes, yes I did.

I told my boss and he called me to see if I was alright, reassured me that I did everything correctly and that he had my back incase the group wanted to say something. Asked if there was anything he could do for me.

I already didn't feel good today, and had a headache before that group. Then the rest of the night I was just a shaking mess because by night time my anxiety medicine wears off a lot. 🙃