hey lol more ranting ! who wouldve guessed .
trigger warning for sexual abuse
i had something weird to happen 2 me this wednesday . so , i was waiting 4 a coworker 2 go to watch a movie and this one guy talked to me . . . whoa ! old friend from middle school ! recognized them . saw them around a couple of times . he had his work uniform , a company that basically worked on claw machines or something like that . they worked there . i was like hey haha ii work at the movie theater . and they were like no way ! then they asked 4 my number . i saved them in my contacts . they said they just wanted 2 know what had i been doing affter all this time and stuff . . . i was like alright this was an old friend anyway . so its alrr . saved their number , went to watch the movie . and apparently he just got impatient and . asked my ex 4 my number . which is insane . 4 context , i met her ( my ex ) back in middle school . she was from the same friendgroup this other friend was so they do know each other and i guess still talk from time 2 time . so well , apparently they asked her 4 my number and my ex of course still had it . she also sent me a message asking perrmission 4 it which made me freak out a ton when i saw the notification because whatsapp was doing that thing where it would say something like " waiting for message " . so i couldn't see what she said . by the way she sent them my number anyway . i totally thought it would b her like trying 2 talk 2 me again because there's a history of me wanting 2 go no contact w this person and her still reaching out and me going back because iim stupid . anyway , i texted this other guy and didn't get an answer , so i texted again " so you wanted 2 talk 2 me and now ur the one not texting back ? " i did add a " not saying it in a bad way jus think its kind of funny " but they still got so defensive about it lol . " first of all blah blah blah " so i was like jeez okay . then they were like why would u freak out about ur ex texting u ? did you two really beg each other that much ? you guys have no real context about this person but i basically broke up w her and went back w herr rrepeatedly for a ton of reasons when i was 13 to 17 years old . she used 2 push 4 sex and pics of me naked a ton and ended up assaulting me too . that alone explains it . i wrote a million texts talking about it . about how i was prob being dramatic because it was just humping . but felt ugly since i told her i was scared of sex and she still did that ukno . i had a whole dilemma abt it years ago and i ended up just accepting it wasnt my fault i guess . don't wanna get too much into it because this is fucking tumblr lol . anyway they said it did sound like sa . i wa s like i guess none of us rreally realized how much weight it had . i didn't think too much of it til i told my friends about it and they were a bit too concerned lol . but then they were like " so she was bullshitting me ! she did have sex with a woman before ! " and in my head i was like . am i supposed 2 be the woman . and yeah ik that virginity is lowk stupid and that u can choose what u want 2 consider as ur " first time " but something ugly on my mind clicked and was like .. .. .. sex can be a lot of things . that was sex . my first time was when i was seventeen , and i just realized. and now i kinda can't change that thought ukno . and it's really ugly lol . they were like " i have no real friends " and i was like cool maybe we can be friends but then you just changed the way i think and see myself . and ngl this was a huge issue b4 . abt it being my fault , about me idk saying something because jeez if i told her 2 stop she wouldve stopped but i was too stupid to really understand what was happening ukno . and i am now thinking abt it again which is really shitty . this isn't spiralling kind of thinking i guess im just pissed lmfao
FUCK tumblr ruined the double spacing when i pasted this and im not fixing it so now this looks ugly
