Pokémon Go saved my life in my dream last night
It was so weird. It was kinda a mix of zombie apocalypse and alien invasion in which the aliens unleashed the virus that created zombies to thin out our population to make conquering the planet easier.
Only thing is these were only exchange of fluids to pass along the sickness zombies so no one exactly rose from the dead if they just happened to die and humans, the aliens found, were a bit more resourceful than anticipated. Sure a lot of the cities and packed communities were desemated across the globe and a bunch of people died but that still left a hell of a lot of people to take care of. And with the weather the way it was the zombies that were left simply rotted themselves out.
So to take care of the rest of us the aliens turned back on our communications systems in a devious plot to pinpoint the users exact location when trying to contact their loved ones and other survivors in a series of drone strikes. Except for whatever reason Pokémon Go wasn’t on their radar at all.
So cue me, a miraculous survivor who’s phone suddenly starts working again and the first fucking thing I do is log on to Pokémon Go instead of try and call my family. Whom at this point let’s be real were probably already dead so fuck it. Since zombies weren’t really a problem anymore I just wonder off alone for a bit to go to a nearby pokestop. Meanwhile everybody else in my group is coming to the horrifying conclusion that the aliens are tracking our phones and dispose of them. Eventually they spot me on my phone a little ways away, a drone flying above us, and they’re like “oh shit she’s fucking dead” except it just mosies on past.
Obviously they just think it’s a fluke, or a glitch to their system. They don’t trust my phone being on and make me hang back. Essentially I’m just sitting around taking down gyms and catching them all to my heart’s content as they wait for a drone to track me. Except it doesn’t happen.
Eventually I’m let back into the group and they’re like “maybe it’s her phone make?” Because all these losers had Samsung and I’m the only one that had an I-phone. Point is they let me keep it since it obviously didn’t pose a threat and I suddenly become very useful since technically Pokémon Go has a map of the roads and pokestops are landmarks of civilization which means possible shelter and other survivors.
At this point almost everybody had been wiped out due to the phone drones and we haven’t seen another group of people in months. My group is disheartened and then there’s me still taking down gyms and leveling up like crazy to try and cope when suddenly one of my Pokémon gets knocked out of a gym. At first I’m fucking pissed until I realize “holy shit that’s a person!”
So my group goes ape shit and we’re determined to track down these fuckers. We’re on the hunt for this ‘Todmandod42’ and I’m encouraged to keep playing and writing down the locations of every gym I conquered and what Pokémon was where so we can plot a course to find them based on when I got knocked out of the gyms.
It takes a long time and a lot of back and forth, between myself and ‘Todmandod42’ but eventually we find each other and the dude is like “I’ve never been more happy in my life to meet you in person Kirkinfleffer” in a kind of loving way and it’s ridiculous becuase I reply in an equally loving manner “I feel the same way Todmandod42”. We are forever our handles to one another, there’s a solidarity to them now. Even the third person we found “pussydestroyer69” gives us hope whenever he takes down our Gyms.
And from there we get everybody new phones so they can download the app while someone sacrifices another phone to distract the drones. Each group is mostly one team (groups will have an equal number of red, blue, and yellow so we can share gyms and be updated at the same time when we’ve been knocked out) and we’ve all written down each others handles so we can track down new people and keep tabs on each other’s movements. Eventually enough humans are brought together to somehow combat the alien menace who’s third attempt at human aniliation are robots I guess. To which I’m pretty sure we defeated by running windows 95 and Doom on them along with spamming them with memes at which point the Aliens fucked off becuase our planet wasn’t worth the agrivation.
So yeah I helped save the human race all becuase I never gave up on Pokémon Go and meme culture.
Everybody is equally exasperated by it as they are pleased becuase now a fucking video game and a bunch of memes will go down in history for this shit. “Pussydestroyer69” is gonna be listed as a top General in the fight against the alien menace with a statue and everything for our grandkids to write reports on one day and they can’t do anything to change that.
