A Rant On Many Things That I Promise Actually Go Together
Most children love their mothers. I did up into two days ago, where things happened and realization hit me.
I’ll start when this all began. On September 13th, 2020, I came out to my mom and she accepted me and told me that she still loved me, which made me very happy. I thought that our relationship could become better since I didn’t have to hide anything anymore, she now knew everything about me.
But it’s been a little less than a month since then and she acts like she flat out doesn’t like me, not even as her child, but as a person in general. She talks to me less than she already did, in favor of talking to my younger neurotypical, heterosexual sister.
That’s the other thing. I was diagnosed with autism on May 19th, 2016. She’s had roughly five years to research, educate herself, talk to other parents of autistic kids, talk to me about my own way of seeing the world, and she hasn’t. She has had five years to understand and accept my diagnosis and yet she seems to almost be in denial.
She loves the parts of my autism where I remember specific things very well, like for when we go shopping, or when I can get into a personal project and stay in my room for hours working on it, but things like a special interest, she doesn’t understand at all.
Currently, I have two special interests which are the West-End musical called, “The Grinning Man” and the Netflix original show, “The Politician”. Both of these shows are very important and special to me, because though this might sound weird, I see the characters in these shows as my friends, like places of safety and comfort even when they really aren’t in the context of the shows.
She’s watched both of these with me and enjoyed them both fairly well, but when I try to talk about them, she completely ignores me. That really hurts, to be ignored by someone you once saw as a symbol of love and comfort and safety.
I don’t see her as that anymore. I see her as a woman who I have to mask around (If I stimmed around her, she’d tell me to stop because I’m not “Autistic like that”. Since my autism is rather invisible, any autistic traits I show are seen as me faking it or me just being weird.
So we have a mother who one, doesn’t talk to her child after their coming out and two, ignores her child after a long time after an autism diagnosis.
I can’t love her for that. She praises herself on not favoring one child over the other when that’s exactly what she does. She praises herself on being a great mother when she does the basic things of feeding her kids and cleaning up after them.
I apologize for the rant. I needed someway to get this out.
