So I haven’t really been able to talk to Alex in a while... but on Friday he sent me a message and we talked about it. And we almost stopped talking, but we kept talking about us and neither of us wanted to end this way so we kept talking. And we talked about stuff all night. And then yesterday we talked to each other literally all day. From the time I woke up, to three o’clock in the morning! Fifteen hours. That’s a long time! It was just how it used to be. We talked about all kinds of stuff. Random stuff, serious stuff, and even just silly stuff that we both laughed about together. I love talking to him... we’re definitely best friends...
Oh! And he said I made him laugh all the time and usually noting can do that he said. And it’s not just a smirk, he says he just full out laughs and I’m the only person that’s been able to do that. Ahhh! I’m so happy! I love making people laugh, and it really means a lot to me knowing I can make Alex laugh... I really care for him... And I know he cares for me too...
Last night, we were talking about more serious things and he told me that if he could take all of my pain and confusion from me to him he would... and that really means a lot to me. And I know Alex... and I know that if it were possible he really would. But... even if it were possible, I wouldn’t want him to. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel the way I do. It’s so horrible I would never want anyone to experience this and go through what I've gone through and what I'm going through now. But it’s really nice to know I have someone who wants to go through it with me... and who is actually there for me, and really truly cares for me... and I have that. I have Alex... and I'm so thankful to have someone like him...
well... anyhoo, I haven’t talked to Brett in like three days. I kinda miss him... Oh well. it’s funny, every day after school, when I get on the buys Ryan is just like “did he ask you out yet?” haha and I’ll just be like “no.” ...I kinda feel like brett never will. he’s beginning to see me the way I see myself. he’s seeing how messed up I really am. which is probably for the best though. because I don’t want to hurt anyone. and I wouldn’t want to hurt him if we were together and then one day I just left. I wouldn't want him to think it was his fault. and besides, I don’t want him to be constantly worried about me.
anyhoo... Grandpa Dick died on Monday so my mom has been gone all week. Then she’s getting back today and then dad is leaving sometime this week. um... I dunno what to write about now.
but I’m really glad Alex and I started talking again. I’ve really missed him. it’s kinda weird that he’s thirty... but I try not to think about that. because he’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had. maybe even the best. and I think the main reason we’ve stayed friends is because that’s how we act. we treat each other like good friends, and we talk to each other like good friends because that’s just what we are. we don’t act like we even have an age difference. sure we’ll talk about it sometimes or sometimes he’ll say stuff like “when I was your age” but we don’t let it bother us. we know it’s there, but it doesn’t matter. we’re really alike and we understand each other. and I’m so glad I met him. I'm... really glad that I found that Christian website and was able to share my thoughts and feelings and then Alex felt compelled to reach out to me as a friend when I had none. honestly, I think if I hadn’t met him, I probably would have attempted suicide much sooner, and I might even be dead right now. or I’d be in a much worse state than I am now... because he was there for me... and he went through a lot of stuff with me. and I’m so thankful for Alex!
