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17th April 2017
I met up with my TC last Monday at the pub for a drink. It was odd. I forgot how much we clicked and how easy it is to talk to him, that we have this same sense of humour so all we did was laugh. And yet, I felt nothing. No butterflies, no sweaty palms, no fidgeting, nothing. I realised P ain't shit, sure he's a great guy but I put him on a pedestal and I'm finally over it. I did it, guys. I did what I thought was impossible. I'm over him.
24/1/2022 - 12.58am
Guess I found a new trigger. Reading a smut fic where one climbs on the guys lap while fucking, it's his first time in that position & he has to take his time to figure out the right angle so the other won't slip out. Threw me right back into that car with P & then my brain spiralled because it's so fucking close to being the same date as when it happened. About a week or so away. I feel fucking sick & alone & I just won't to tell someone so this weight isn't all over me & I feel like I can't breathe through it. This won't ever go away, will it? I'm stuck with this feeling forever.
18th June 2020 - 3pm
I have a lot of issues around sex and I’ve had them for as long as I can remember. I don’t know if it’s just because I have trust issues with people, or if it’s because of things mum has said over the years, or whether it’s a combination of both, but I’ve always had this combination of curiousity and fear when it comes to sex.
I’ll masturbate, I’ll become almost obsessed with it and forcing myself to orgasm (at least physically; emotionally or whatever it never quite lives up to the hype people make about it) over and over. It’s always to the rough stuff. Currently whenever I masturbate, it always has to be to beautiful girls having cocks shoved down their throat until they’re choking and crying; I don’t know what it is about it because the idea of that actually being done to me is terrifying, but I enjoy watching these girls being used and degraded to the point where the moment I usually get off to is when you hear the sounds of her choking and the guy’s dick is right down her throat. I don’t even know if I want that kind of depravity to be done to me, but I love to watch it.
Part of my thing with sex is that I have a sense of shame about it. Mum doesn’t even know I’m not a virgin because the idea of her knowing that I’ve had sex just makes me feel uncomfortable. Like she’ll think I’m some kind of whore for having sex with someone, especially considering all I’ve had are one night stands. I think about it, and I mean... I lost my virginity to a guy I’d met once before, then put out when he took me on a date. I never saw him again because there was so much shame around it and I felt dirty. I felt like a slut and like what I’d done was wrong. But in the moment I was half like, might as well get it over with, and half worried that I’d disappoint him if I said no and that he’d be mad at me because why else would he treat me well and go on a date with me if I didn’t put out at the end of it?
The second time I had sex was worse; just some random guy on a hook up app that I can’t even remember the name of. I let him fuck me and spank me and cum in me without a condom because I was fucking lonely and thought that maybe letting him fuck me would make me less lonely. But for the second time, I didn’t get off and I just felt like a fucking whore and disgusted with myself because I put myself in that stupid situation where I ended up filling in a survey at a chemist to get the morning after pill because I was too scared to admit to the guy that I wasn’t actually on birth control. I can still remember the feeling of his cum hitting me and it was this mixture of disgust but also... I don’t even know how to describe it really because it wasn’t even like wow, that’s so fucking hot I want that to happen again, but it also wasn’t entirely negative? I think part of me enjoyed the filthiness of having a stranger cum on me. And even admitting that makes me feel embarrassed, so that’s a trip.
Then there’s the third and final time so far and well. That was P and it sure as fuck wasn’t what I wanted. I’m not going to go into details because going into details during therapy today was hard enough, but that’s my secret I keep from all but a few and I think part of the reason I’m scared to tell anyone, especially mum, is because what if they see it as me being drunk and they think the reason I’m viewing it as assault is because I was just a whore who regretted it and was too drunk to say no? What if I tell my own mother that I was sexually assaulted and she thinks I’m a whore? What if she never looks at me the same way again? What the fuck would that achieve?
I just hate the polar opposite way in which I view sex; as an observer I get turned on by watching females be used and treated like whores, I like watching them be hit and left crying and choking and like they’re only good for being fucked, but as an active participant, feeling that way myself and the simple act of having a dick inside me just makes me feel nothing but regret. And I hate the fact that I’ve written about all this and dealt with reliving my trauma today, but still know that as soon as I finish I’ll go back to watching 365 Days and being thrilled to watch this hot asshole kidnap and essentially rape this woman. That I’ll rewatch the scene where he deepthroats the air hostess and find it hot, and go back to my room and watch nasty porn and get off to it. I mean, how fucking hypocritical and fucked up is that? I’m fucking embarrassed by it but I can’t stop and it’s stupid. I just wish that I could be confident and accept the times I’ve had sex (aside from the third time, for obvious reasons) even if they weren’t all that satisfying, and hell, even if I am into the rough stuff and want to be treated like a whore, I wish I could accept that and not be so fucked up about feeling that way. Because logically I know there’s nothing inherently wrong with being into all that and it doesn’t reflect negatively on who I am as a person, but I’d just really like to fucking believe that on an emotional level.
6th June 2017
P and I broke up today.
I woke up to a message from him saying it wasn’t working out and he’d pick me up later to talk. When we met, he said he just didn’t feel the same anymore and he’d felt that way for a while. He apologised profusely but I made clear that leading me on was unfair and he knew what he was doing so I didn’t care for his apologies.
I’m crushed. I thought him and I were working out really well. I had no idea he wasn’t into me anymore because despite a few blunders, we were okay. I saw a future with him. I loved him and I was really happy with him.
20th May 2019
Spent the night with P last night.
I’ve had sex with him before but I meant literally sleeping with him, cuddling him he’s so skinny and bony it wasn’t as comfortable as I’d hoped. It was amazing. The majority of the time, my brain was just like “I can’t believe this has finally happened after three years”. It absolutely exceeded expectations and he makes me so happy 😍
i kind of forget that P was *my* piano teacher a long time ago because i’m so used to him being my boyfriend. i remember he teaches, i always ask him how work was and he tells me about his students and stuff, but it’s like i erased him teaching me from my mind. i was telling a friend about how i didn’t study for my class exams because my piano teacher got the exam dates mixed up and my piano exam was sooner than i thought and i didn’t have time to study for all my classes AND piano, and my friend goes “you’re on about P right? he got the dates mixed up?” and i was like... oh shit yeah lmao
Hi, what made you start seeing your TC? I saw in your bio that he’s no longer your teacher?
Hello! Long story.
I left the music school in September 2016 at the age of 18 to go to University (college for you American folk) and I never expected to hear from him again. I moved into a new flat and fell for my flatmate, who I was in a relationship with for a year, and about 4 days after moving to University, P added me on Facebook. Initially I was concerned if I talked to him regularly that I might end up catching feelings for him again but it didn’t happen when I was with my boyfriend (let’s call him B). I truthfully did not feel anything for P when I was with B and we even met up when I went back to my home town a few times. I never initiated conversations with him so he would pop up on messenger about once a month just asking how I am.
B turned out to be abusive and I went through a really rough stage from July last year onwards. He was coercive, violent, dismissive and uncaring of me and we broke up on my birthday. I still loved him until around October 2017. I had no friends and I was suicidal and P was also going through a rough time as the girl he was seeing actually lead him on a bit. We talked a little more often than once a month from this point because it seemed we both needed a friend and a familiar person in our lives.
I spent New Years Eve with P when I went to see his band at a local pub before I had work (I work in a night club so I had to work NYE). It was really good to see him again. In January on the day of one of my university exams, my abusive ex boyfriend threatened to hurt me and I had a bit of a meltdown and P inconveniently messaged me at that time so I ignored it. The next day I apologised for not responding and… the conversation never really ended?
What I mean by that, is whenever we talked, eventually one of us had to go to work or bed and we left the conversation and didn’t speak for a few weeks, but that day, he fell asleep and just continued with the conversation the next day. We just had like a two-week conversation about fuck knows what. It began to become part of my routine to message P and he opened up to me about a lot of stuff. At the end of January I got drunk with my friends at University and confessed I had feelings for him (and I did when he was my teacher, FML) and he said he felt the same but he’s still trying to figure it all out as him crushing on a former student was strange to him - totally understandable. We’ve been taking things pretty slow and carefully but ultimately I think it’s been going really well. We’ve been on four dates, 5th one tonight, we talk on the phone almost daily… may or may not have exchanged ~photos~ which believe me was very strange the first few times and it took me a few days to come to terms with that 😂
So yeah. That’s everything I think! Quite a rollercoaster of a time but it makes me believe that these things happen for a reason. Maybe meeting him at the age of 16 really was bad timing and I needed to grow and mature before anything between us happened.
28th September 2016
P MESSAGED ME ON FACEBOOK AND ADDED ME AS A FRIEND. Well, it's irritating he's done it now. I'm in the process of moving on; I've met a guy I'm really into and he's really into me, I've moved to Wales. I'm glad we will be staying in contact but I hope this doesn't affect me and M (the guy I'm speaking to).
