Recognising my avoidant behaviours
Lately I've been reading far too much fanfiction and have come to the conclusion that this is actually a manifestation of my anxiety issues — it's a type of avoidant behaviour; I'm avoiding reality. I've also become quite bitter about the fact that I can no longer enjoy first person shooter games or anything with suspense or significant amounts of stress. I don't understand why other people enjoy that, I never have. I don't like being set on edge and it interferes with my enjoyment of any game in which one is constantly on edge or hyper aware/hyper vigilant. I expect this is probably because I'm always hyper aware, I even have difficulty getting to sleep because I cannot get my mind to slow down. I am quite literally constantly thinking, and I feel I have to be doing something at all times with my hands or my mind. I can't slow down, and I can't relax easily. The only time I can really allow myself to just drift is if I am semi-conscious in the mornings, or sleeping-in dozing, and even then I'm practising lucid dreaming for the most part. I actually treasure blank mind moments because they are so rare, it is quite hard for me to genuinely tune out.
