#protcsts

[fadinglights]

continued from here, @protcsts

the  look  he  gives  translates  his  skepticism  with  the  denial.  nevertheless  ,  eden  chooses  not  to  poke  at  the  metaphorical  bear  again.  he’s  endeared  ,  though.  so  utterly  endeared  with  that  side  of  kyungsoo  that  he’s  showing  him  more  of  every  single  day.  there’s  always  been  an  ease  to  their  bond.  the  two  seeking  one  another  ,  rather  than  ones  they  knew  longer  and  knew  them  better  ,  on  days  that  were  less  than  bright.  finding  more  comfort  in  one  another  —  even  when  staying  silent  ,  for  hours  sometimes —  than  anybody  else.  eden  gently  rubs  his  thumb  underneath  his  eye.  it’s  the  younger’s  way  of  providing  reassurance  ,  telling  his  lover  that  his  emotions  are  safe  to  be  shown  around  him.  “  who  would  have  ever  thought  you  could  be  so  sweet.  ”  he  did.  in  hindsight  ,  he  can’t  deny  the  glaringly  obvious  sweet  spot  the  older  has  always  had  for  him.  softer  in  his  interactions  with  him  ,  despite  the  constant  bickering  of  the  pair.  unbelievably  patient  when  dealing  with  a  neurotic  eden  and  never  failing  to  bringing  back  a  smile  on  his  face.  what  did  eden  do  to  deserve  him ?  “  you’ve  always  made  me  happy.  ”

“  i  still  very  much  want  to  tear  you  apart  ,  and  expect  you  to  make  it  up  to  me.  ”  unreasonable  ?  certainly.  would  eden  be  eden  if  he  reacted  any  other  way  ?  certainly  not.  “  it  was  … it  was  sort  of  pointed  out  to  me  ,  quite  a  while  back  ,  that  you  and  i  were  too  close  to  only  be  friends.  ”  he  consciously  chose  to  ignore  what  was  obvious  to  an  exterior  eye.  he  buried  his  head  deeper  in  the  sand  the  closer  they  got.  despite  the  pointlessness  of  what  ifs  ,  he  can’t  help  but  linger  on  what  could  have  been  had  he  put  on  his  big  boy  pants  much  earlier.  no  more  ignoring.  his  feelings  are  out  there  ,  spoken  loud  and  clear.  never  again  will  he  shield  his  heart  from  his  other  half.  eyes  fall  shut  with  the  sentiment  being  reciprocated  so  candidly  ,  and  repeatedly.  it  engulfs  him  in  the  warmest  and  safest  of  hugs.  in  such  moment  ,  he  finds  it  hard  to  remember  why  they  need  to  hide  when  it  feels  so  right  to  love  him  and  be  loved  by  him.  “  how  can  it  not  be  ? i  spend  so  many  months  persuading  myself  that  you  could  never  reciprocate  my  feelings  ,  that  i’d  have  to  keep  on  watching  you  being  with  all  these  other  people  —  ”  there’s  no  keeping  the  grimace  at  bay,  “  —  until  you  found  someone  to  fall  in  love  with.  i  thought  i’d  only  ever  be  your  friend.  ”  it  would  take  eden  some  time  to  get  used  to  the  new  normal  ,  but  the  gentle  affection  of  his  lover  tremendously  helps.  he  squeezes  at  his  waist.  “  remember  that  when  i’m  such  a  pain  in  your  ass  that  you  regret  ever  knowing  him.  ”  he  jokes.  “  i  love  you. ”  

inevitably,  he  melts  under  eden’s  touch.  it  feels  natural  to  want  to  be  near  him  —  it  has  always  been  like  this  from  day  one.  everything  his  best  friend  said  he  loved  about  eden,  he  can  see  it  with  overwhelming  clarity.  “why  are  you  acting  like  i’ve  never  said  a  sweet  thing  to  you?”  it  would  be  heartbreaking  if  all  that  he’s  told  eden  prior  slipped  from  his  mind,  when  he  can  hardly  recall  the  last  time  he  fell  quite  as  hard  for  someone  else.  has  he  ever?  it  is  terrifying  to  think  too  much  about  it,  about  how  this  is  irreplaceable  when  he  has  always  been  too  comfortable  hiding  his  heart  from  the  world.  you’ve  always  made  me  happy.  his  lips  lift  into  a  small  smile,  the  previous  tension  in  his  chest  from  the  earlier  dispute  dissipating.  “good.”  his  lips  press  on  top  of  eden’s  forehead,  as  gently  as  it  is  humanly  possible.  “i  plan  on  continuing  it.”  for  a  long,  long  time.  perhaps,  for  the  rest  of  his  life  if  he  is  allowed.  but  it  is  too  early  for  grand  promises  and  he’s  always  been  warned  that  he  falls  too  hard  and  too  fast.  

“i’ll  give  you  everything  you  want,  baby.”  he  promises  in  a  whisper  to  eden’s  ear,  before  he  pulls  away  slightly  and  curiosity  replaces  the  lust  that  sparks  in  his  eyes.  “by  who?”  maybe  they  were  much  worse  actors  that  they  think  they  are,  though  he  must  admit  that  it  is  increasingly  hard  to  keep  his  mind  off  someone  with  such  significance  in  his  life.  i  spent  so  many  months  persuading  myself  that  you  could  never  reciprocate  my  feelings  —  “when  did  you...  start  feeling  this  way  for  me?”  he  asks,  his  tone  sincere  before  his  lips  close  again.  it  takes  him  some  time  to  dare  and  tell  the  truth.  “...  i  never  wanted  to  be  your  friend.”  not  just  friends.  yes,  it  does  make  him  sound  that  much  more  terrible  when  he  confesses  it  aloud,  but  it’s  bound  to  come  out  sooner  or  later.  he  was  drawn  the  moment  he  saw  him  and  every  day  was  torture  —  to  know  that  he’s  in  love  with  someone  as  close  to  him  as  a  brother.  “you  know  that  you’re  a  pain  in  the  ass?  wow,  that’s  new  to  me.  congrats  on  your  newfound  self-awareness.”  he  teases,  though  he  leans  closer  nonetheless.  “i  love  you  more.”

[tiredtangerines]

@protcsts​

 the  floorboard  creaks  beneath  her  feet,  causing  the  dancer  to  pause  and  turn  around  to  the  direction  of  the  hall’s  entrance.  the  soft  music  continues  to  play  and  fill  the  room.  a  piano  piece  she’s  fallen  for  years  ago,  each  note  remembered  with  fondness  by  the  flesh  of  her  fingertips,  yet  all  she  can  hear  now  is  the  thunderous  thump  of  her  heart  as  his  gaze  fixates  on  her.  confused,  intrigued,  waiting  for  an  answer.  “i  was  looking  for  someone  —  “  and  then  i  found  you.  “but  i  think  she  left  already.”  called  off  their  plans  since  her  friend  wasn’t  feeling  too  well  for  the  day.  feeling  abashed,  seoah  lowers  her  gaze  to  the  tips  of  her  flats,  her  arms  tightening  her  hold  on  the  bag  of  books,  before  she  musters  the  courage  and  forces  herself  to  look  at  him  again.  and  god,  he  looks  so  —  “it  might  sound  weird,  but  would  you  mind  if  i  stay  here  for  a  bit?”  she  blurts,  the  blush  on  her  cheeks  grows  and  her  heart  beats  hummingbird-fast  from  the  shameless  request.  she  can’t  help  it,  though.  her  breath  was  already  taken  away.  “you’re  a  beautiful  dancer.”

[nouvelisarchived]

the sun gleams on a cloudless sky and drenches the beachside bar in gold, casting a pleasing warmth on his sleeveless arms. though the bar is beloved by the residents of the seaside town, it has been a quiet day with only a few regulars chattering away in the cosy space. the wind chimes sing, an indicator of new visitors ambling in, and the bartender greets the approaching customers with his warm, charismatic smile. he doesn’t expect the sight  to push all air out of his lungs, the same shine in those bright brown eyes as eden’s laugh fills the room — the way it did the first time their paths crossed. now, look at where they are. three years later and miles away from the city they fell in love, yet the sound of his laugh still rushes kyungsoo’s heart into a maddening flutter. kyungsoo blinks again — no, it can’t be. but the hour is a little to late for dreaming and his breath is already caught in his throat. it gets worse when the man catches his gaze, too, and purposefully strides to sit on the stool facing him. come on now, it has got to be a dream. “hello there.” words fall the moment he forces himself to regain his voice and he wonders if he sounds as breathless as he feels, his mind caught in a dazzling haze in the most blissful way possible. on his sun-kissed, still-boyish features, a beam grows like the shadows that chase the sun outside. “you look like someone i know.”

ft. eden kwon, @protcsts​

[ofdamnation]

             ‘  what  is  it  you  want  now  ?  i’m  busy  .  ’     //     closed  starter  for  @protcsts​  ,  inspired  .

[fadinglights]

@protcsts​

 what  kind  of  idiot  writes  songs  about  a  lover  and  never  sings  it  to  them  when  they  still  see  each  other?  he  does.  he  hadn’t  thought  about  releasing  the  song,  the  demo  long  lost  amidst  a  sea  of  drafts,  until  his  producer  announced  his  liking  for  the  track.  the  subsequent  love  it  received  wasn’t  planned,  either.  still  it’s  a  song  that  he  rarely  ever  sings  in  front  of  a  crowd  because  of  the  memories  it  brings.  about  something  that  has  long  ended  and  it's  all  because  of  his  own  fault.  with  artfully  veiled  reluctance,  he  agreed  to  performing  it  at  his  friend’s  wedding  —  as  terrible  as  he  can  be  to  those  who  adore  him,  he’s  not  cruel  enough  to  refuse  a  friend  on  their  special  day.  the  soft  strums  of  the  guitar  fill  the  room,  followed  by  his  mellow  voice,  warm  and  easy  like  early  sunshine  that  greets  the  sleep-hazed,  languid  bodies  in  a   sweet  embrace.  his  fond  gaze  should  stay  on  the  gorgeous  couple,  swaying  in  the  centre  of  the  ballroom,  the  brightness  of  their  smiles  telltale  of  the  love  they  share.  instead,  it  runs  back  to  the  person  that  occupied  every  crevice  of  his  mind  when  he  wrote  the  very  same  song  hours  past  midnight.  it  is  as  though  no  one  else  exists  in  that  room  —  just  them.  fragments  of  their  time  together  rush  back  to  the  front  of  his  mind,  memories  that  he  itched  to  wash  off,  but  have  stayed  as  stubborn  as  if  they're  inked  onto  his  skin.  every  gentle  whisper,  every  touch  fraught  with  so  much  tenderness.  so  much  of  it  left  unsaid,  so  much  of  it  never  will  be.  perhaps  his  eyes  will  never  fail  to  find  eden  in  every  room,  perhaps  his  heart  will  always  longs  for  him  at  the  end  of  it  all.  perhaps  it  is  one  of  the  things  he’ll  have  to  live  with  forever,  the  imaginary  what-ifs  with  the  one  that  got  away.  he  is  still  dazed  when  he  makes  his  return  to  the  backroom,  before  he  attempts  to  recollect  himself  with  a  few  deep  breaths.  when  he’s  directed  to  his  seat  at  the  banquet,  the  regained  calm  dissipates  in  seconds  and  it  takes  all  his  courage  to  greet  the  table  and  not  fall  to  his  knees.  a  small  nod  with  a  lingering  smile  is  all  he  could  give  eden  before  he  takes  the  only  empty  seat  left.  with  feigned  attention,  he  listens  to  the  acquaintances  mingle  with  the  few  faces  he  knows,  follows  suit  when  they  laugh  at  an  anecdote  he's  missed  entirely.  he  is  being  uncharacteristically  quiet,  but  he  can’t  help  it  when  all  his  mind  can  think  of  is  how  eden’s  hand  is  only  inches  away  from  his  own.  dear  god,  spare  him.  

[tiredtangerines]

@protcsts​​

 he  thought  that  when  his  time  finally  comes,  there  would  be  no  one  left  by  his  side.  no  one  to  mourn,  no  one  to  grieve  and  that  would  be  it  —  the  end  to  his  brief,  unremarkable  existence  in  the  forever  revolving  world.  yet  when  kyungsoo  opens  his  eyes,  he  is  there.  it  takes  a  few  seconds  for  his  lenses  to  adjust  to  the  glaring  light  of  the  sterile  room,  the  same  sickening  stench  that  he’s  never  been  a  fan  of,  but  he  can  recognise  eden  anywhere.  even  with  his  usually  perfect  hair  tousled,  under-eye  circles  shades  deeper  than  kyungsoo  last  remembers,  his  head  half  buried  in  his  arms  sprawled  on  the  bedside.  the  slightest  of  movements  upon  waking  causes  kyungsoo  to  wince  in  pain  despite  the  sedatives  coursing  through  his  system,  awakening  his  drowsy   companion  in  the  process.  “hey.”  he  greets  apologetically,  his  voice  coarse  from  dehydration  —  how  long  has  he  been  stuck  on  this  bed?  how  long  has  eden  stayed  by  his  side?  “you  look  like  you’re  seeing  a  ghost.”

[tiredtangerines]

@protcsts​​

 can  you  believe  what  they  said?  seoah  recounts  the  incident  on  the  balcony  of  the  empty  hotel  room,  her  irritation  itching  more  the  second  time  around.  if  it’s  going  to  be  anyone’s  wedding  song,  it  would  be  —  she  bites  her  tongue,  swallowing  the  rest  of  the  sentence  before  it  makes  it  past  her  mouth and  hastily  puts  an  end  to  the  call  with  kyungsoo.  no,  no,  no.  this  is  not  what  she  envisaged  when  she  embarked  on  the  trip  with  her  partner.  she  spends  the  next  hours  at  the  pool-side  bar,  sipping  on  cocktails  with  her  pen  and  paper  —  the  downside  of  being  a  musician  is  there’s  never  truly  any  time  off  work,  her  mind  running  wild  with  thoughts  no  matter  where  she  goes  —  no,  especially  considering  where  she’s  gone.  she  lets  out  a  frustrated  groan,  before  she  crumples  the  sheet  and  orders  another  drink  in  hopes  that  her  troubles  would  dissipate.  her  gaze,  however,  latches  onto  the  familiar  face  in  an  instant  and  brings  her  back  to  trouble.  “oh,  it’s  you  again.”  it  comes  back  in  full  force,  the  same  flutter  in  her  chest.  it's  been  here  since  the  day  she  saw  him  again.  before  she  can  stop  herself,  it  slips.  “  —  would  you  go  on  a  walk  with  me?”

[tiredtangerines]

@protcsts​

the  encounter  feels  like  a  page  from  his  wildest,  most  hopeful  dreams.  the  biggest  grin  settles  on  his  features  as  he  returns  the  greeting,  before  he  notices  the  ring  on  the  finger.  he  blinks,  unsure  whether  he  is  seeing  what  he  thinks  he’s  seeing.  but  there’s  nothing  wrong  with  his  vision  —  it’s  the  cruel  reality  bestowed  on  him  that  forces  all  air  out  of  his  lungs  and  the  last  of  his  smile  drains  from  his  face.  “...  you’re  married.”  the  words  feel  surreal  on  his  tongue,  spelling  it  out  does  not  make  it  any  easier  to  process.  it’s  a  pretty  ring,  one  that  reminds  him  of  the  one  he  used  to  kept  around  his  neck,  what  he  made  for  the  both  of  them,  except  it’s  not  the  same  ring  that  eden  is  wearing.  it  isn’t  his  —  he  isn’t  his.  congratulations  —  the  word  sits  on  the  tip  of  his  tongue,  yet  he  cannot  bring  himself  to  lie  through  his  teeth.  “that’s  —  ”  he  pauses,  his  emotions  overwhelm  him. he  tries  not  to  break,  yet  his  knees  are  already  shaking.  “that’s  huge.”