When am I going to be truly happy? When will I allow myself to stop self destructing and be happy? When do I become grateful for my life and not for what I don't have? I wish I knew. I'm chancing my normal every day that I speak to my other. Why do I continue knowing that it ends, knowing that my marriage could fall apart because of it, knowing that my life could turn upside down? I'm not a risk taker. Far from it so why do I risk the biggest things in my life....my husband and children. Because I want to be wanted. My other is not my soul mate. My other is someone that had me up on a pedestal and now I've gotten sucked into it. Now I want him because he's married. Because I want to prove that I can have him. Like I've always done. Isn't that why I slept with some of the guys I did? To prove I could.