#q's q

[genderthey]

decided to ditch the queue tag fuck it

[recoveringf1sh]

here’s some more exploratory writing i did over on my mastodon account. original cws: “rationalizing kin feelings, themes of trauma, capitalism, and recovery, slight body horror towards the end”

Dedf1sh is a character who is prolific early in life, then takes on too much and loses herself in the pursuit of perfection. She becomes undead, not living but always producing. Until her passion is stripped from her. It is only when her default narrative (canon) is discarded that she gets the chance to heal. She was rescued from the fate of working herself into oblivion. Rescued by several incredible, selfless, caring people. She barely recognizes herself afterward, but she can recover. She can learn to live as she is now. 

I will always blame myself for getting sanitized. Everyone tells me that it was something done to me, but I chose to go there. I chose to keep going. Some part of me still believes I belong there.  For not being smart enough, or strong enough. 

Every time I return to the things I used to love, I freeze. I am so terrified of repeating the past. I beat myself up because I can't produce like I used to. I can't recapture what made me so... Liked... Before. I am changed. I know better now. But I am still mortified.

of course i can't recapture what happened. THEY LOVED ME WHEN I WAS IN THE FACILITY. THAT'S dedf1sh. it's in the fucking name! i'm dedf1sh because i died in that place and everyone praised me for it. can i even call myself that anymore? people don't recognize me. i can say i'm dedf1sh, and people ask me "where have you been?" and "what are you planning?" and "what are you working on?" what do i tell them? because the answer is nothing.

what am i worth. if i am not there. the dead fish is what people want from me. what they expect from me. i can't be that anymore. 

what happened to the fictional character dedf1sh from splatoon 2 is what happened to the human person quinn wolf. the experience is so similar that it feels wrong to call it projecting or metaphorical. "sanitation" is a fictional concept that was made up as a plot point in a video game. but i know exactly what it feels like. i know exactly what it does to a person.

dedf1sh is a made-up character who doesn't even appear in the game but sometimes i look back at the music i've made, the plays i've acted in, the podcasts i've recorded, the voice acting i've done, and i can feel the memory of my flesh rotting. my body wasting away as i surpassed expectations. i remember having my personality scrubbed clean. mindless. and i remember how "successful" that made me. i thought i was done with this thread four posts ago but god damn it i am diseased. i might not have survived one more day in that place. but i was rescued. and now i know people who care more about me than i have ever cared about myself. i do not deserve any of them. they are teaching me how to actually live, because after 21 years i still don't know. together, maybe i have a chance at actually recovering.

[t00gr00vy]

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B.O.B. Ft. Bruno Mars | Nothin' on You {TC Remix}