#queerball

[time-is-standing]

top 10 songs from july

the month, where change begins. ps: my thumb is fine, it all healed and is looking alright again.

1. listen when i'm gone by Jack Powell

"you don't undersand how much it hurts, to see you with someone new"

it started off as a sad month. on the first day of the month, at 4:42am I've learned, that technoblade has passed away. I was in disbelief until like 9am the same day. work was the hardest thing to do. caring about others and giving them my full attention while I felt like I've just broken into a thousand pieces... it was rough. right after work I blasted this song and it helped a little, but it was still a huge thing to start feeling like I'm okay again.

2. Ancient Rome by Kayla Seeber

I didn't think this song would come out this year. I've spent so long waiting for it and was real happy when it dropped. beautiful song, beautiful message. time to manifest someone to not feel like an idiot listening to it all the time by myself.

3. Fed up by Ghostemane

oh this song...

I've just spoken to my therapist about this constant anxiety I have while using public transport and explained to her that I can't think about anything else but people wanting to hurt me while I'm on the road. she was like "do something that gets you out of this mindset, like listen to music" and I laughed so hard because I listen to music 24/7. and this is the type of music that my brain can handle while travelling so I'm in a murderous mood all the time, which doesn't really help the case, lol.

4. Queerball by McCafferty

let's all wave to the good old Queerball. no showing spotify wrapped for the family & friends this year either.

5. Family Line by Conan Gray

this song feels like it's written just for me. it hurts my soul to listen to it as I'm not really done with processing all the traumas I've been through as a kid. it's an endless list it seems like. so any time I listen to this gem, I'm feeling so much... and that's what I love about music the most.

6. BLENDER by 5 Seconds of Summer

I'M IN AN ENOTIONAL BLENDER.

and I'll never forgive 5sos because they dropped this gem after our shows and never played it live. :( I still think about that concert a lot, it feels like I'm living the dream life of my teenager self and that's a lovely thing if you ask me.

7. Trauma by zeinxd, Soufly

lol the title says it all. the song has such an unique style. the instruments, the melody, it all is such a great experience. it reminds me of the songs I used to play minecraft to non-stop like 2 years ago. I miss those times.

8. RAIN by Dreamey

yaaay "Obsessed" man is back. I loved that song so much that I listen to every single one of his new songs. this one made me fall in love instantly. rain in itself is a topic I struggle a lot with (sensory issues) and I love listening to songs about it! not to mention the other lyrics and deeper meaning in the song.

9. Angels Don't Fuck by Insincere

an old favourite. I love this song so much. I was reading my older monthly lists when I remembered this song and it's stuck in my head again. great help to fall asleep on rougher nights.

10. So My Darling - Acoustic by Rachel Chinouriri

tiktok wins again. this is one of the songs I've started to listen to at the beginning of the month. so lovely, so full of emotion. it's beautiful.

+1 is Matilda by Harry Styles

I went to listen to the HS concert and made some new friends, stared at the beautiful moon & cried a bit.

this song made me cry multiple times when I'm listening to it as it's just so emotional - at least for me.

[time-is-standing]

top 10 songs for the month in which we all get doomed (feb) 1. Balenciaga by Paulz

this song... I saw a tiktok dance and I fell in love with it. I love the rythm, I can listen to it all day on repeat. if I have to walk a bit faster, this is what I use and it will get me everywhere, lol.

2. Oblivion by Halfy & Winks

I spent a lifetime looking for this song. I think it started playing in my head in like november but I couldn't find it until february. I love it, even though it has sadder vibes. they are super talented!! this & people like them are the reason I still love the dsmp fandom. 3. Angels Don't Fuck by Insincere

I actually started listening to this song when I was having the biggest mental breakdown. this stupid war & facing some past trauma made my last weekend the worst thing this year. it was so rough and even though I got help from a friend, this song was the thing I needed to get me out of the worst part of it.

4. Queerball by McCafferty

sadly I am having a rough time, these last couple of weeks took a huge toll on me. to try and help with that, I am trying new ways to fall asleep and the best option for now is: listening to music on my phone while the tv is muted so there isn't darkness in the room. this song helped me through so much, it's my go-to if I struggle with falling asleep.

5. Solas by Jamie Duffy

countless early mornings have passed by me while I was listening to this masterpiece on repeat. I love that it's an instrumental song, sometimes that's all my brain needs to function and to get inspiration and my creativity flowing. 6. Dreamland by Glass Animals

my wilbur soot fanfic is still in the making, causing me many headaches (and heartbreaks). this song always helps me to calm down and it cheers me up. funfact: it'll be in my next chapter as well, so yeah.

7. Everywhere I Go by Hollywood Undead

this is a fun little song I put into the playlist as a joke. it always made me smile and it actually makes me laugh a lot as well, so I decided that it needs to stay in there.

8. Notion by The Rare Occasions

it's just to help me get through the rough parts of life. this song is radiating happiness and fun, at least the melody does. I love it.

9. Softcore by The Neighbourhood

"are we too young for this?"

meanwhile I'm vibing online, writing fun fanfic's and spending hours watching streams, I am working on myself as well.

trying to get the right form of therapy & specialist seems impossible, so I'm trying to figure out what are the things that I really need to focus on. I am digging deep into my (sometimes non-existent) childhood memories for help and with every day passing by I feel more and more anger and pain. it was way too obvious that something isn't right with me and people should have noticed. I get real disturbed by it so the process is a bit slow. this song reminds me of it and makes it a tiny bit easier to cope with these huge feelings.

10. After Dark by Mr.Kitty

still on my list. this month I made 4 different playlists because I couldn't find any song that I truly enjoyed for so long (it's usually a sign of my depression getting a bit better). this was the only song I kept on adding to the newer lists because I love it so much!

+1 Fentanyl by McCafferty

I love love love this one!!!! spoken word poetry is always a win in my books but the talent these guys have... relevant topics, heavy lyrics but it doesn't make me mad. I just enjoy it so much.

[time-is-standing]

top 10 songs from july

for me, this month was all about love, hope, learning how to trust, pain, heartbreak and starting again.

1. Queerball by McCafferty

this song... I met a boy, who I thought I fell in love with. turned out, the situation is more complicated than that and we started going back and forth about our relationship. I listened to it on repeat after a special date and my brain just locked the two things together so I stopped listening to it after things took a turn for the worse.

2. Welcome to the Hell Zone Vague003 Remix

funny for this to be the second track. I started listening to this at the end of the month, when everything fell apart. I think I lost this boy, I got hurt a lot, betrayed by some 'friends', so I have to move out of our current apartment... so much is going on right now. all in all, it's an appropriate title for the feelings, I went through this month.

3. your favorite dress by Lil Peep, Lil Tracy

this song is quite important to me. it has something special in it, that hypes me up no matter what. I started listening to it when the love story was starting to form, but the love didn't end there with this song at least.

4. hostage by Billie Eilish

now this one... I am in love. absolutely. this is the best song ever, I keep listening to it on repeat. even though I only found it a few days ago, I am obsessed. the lyrics inspire me real bad, it's pure beauty (and a bit of pain, but I'm not suprised).

5. favorite crime by Olivia Rodrigo

I like Olivia's songs, but this is the only one that made it to my playlist. this is a calm, bittersweet one. I cried a decent amount listening to this song, especially after the so-called breakup.

6. rosier/punk2 by brakence

a masterpiece! at it's finest. listening to this with headphones and max volume... something else. it is the best thing ever, and the lyrics are making it even better. absolutely the best song ever, especially if you like the bass boost.

7. End of a good thing by Cory Wells

this is a pretty sad song. I cried to this as well, even though I listened to it when I didn't even have good things waiting to end. actually, I did but it's really hard to think about it. I had a crisis in last night's party just about this. I don't want to end the programming lessons because I don't want to stay alone again... and I just don't want to loose whatver I and my 'teacher' have at the moment. he was arguing with me, trying to hype me up but I know how hard it'll be when we stop. I will break into tiny pieces and I'm not sure if I can survive losing him. actually, I'm not sure if I can keep my pinky-promise I just made to him.

8. t r a n s p a r e n t s o u l by WILLOW, Travis Barker

this one is from a tiktok video things we have to if I remember right. nothing special, but a great song with cool lyrics. great to scream at the top of your lungs on a cloudy summer night. 10/10 would recommend.

9. Last night by Tom The Mail Man

it is a great song. there is so much more to the lyrics that you'd think when first listening to it. the lines "God, please make me better I wish I wasn't the way I am" hit way too hard. harder than a boy hit me last night. actually I'll tell the story in a different post, but last night a boy and I were just slapping each-other as a therapeutic thing. I have my problems with this boy but never thought he'd ever be this mad at me (in the best possible way, we both agreed and didn't really hurt each others). this song is somehow about our relationship, and I'm not proud of it.

10. Forever by Labrinth

and last, but not least, a chill one. I needed some rest this month, so much has happened. this is pure joy to listen to, euphoria's soundtrack is a masterpiece.