maybe you've answered this or something very similar before - but just thinking about how far Raider has come in his evolution and if he has let himself give any thought to that growth at all.
and what was it about SP that made him decide to "keep her" in the first place?? was this something he did often? cuz it seems like "keeping her" has been a lot of work to keep her safe, and not really the kind of thing he'd ever bothered to do before (even short term).
Good questions <3. He's aware of how much he cares for her, but in terms of his growth as a person, he's still consumed with self-hatred and doesn't really recognize that as a sign of growth just yet.
Why he kept her, in a nutshell: a combination of circumstances x the way sweet pea looked at him. Circumstances being he was tired. It was all getting old, the obnoxious newer men were on his nerves. It didn't occur to him that there could be more to life, but he was worn down in a way that ever so slightly weakened his commitment to the bit (the bit being a decade of coldhearted violence and dehumanization lmaooo). Then, sweet pea thought he was going to save her, and it was the first time in that life someone really looked at Joel like they needed him and there was something good in him. He didn't register that but it did something. Consciously, she was more of a comfort item / attraction / couldn't quite put his finger on it.
Why he keeps her, early on (consciously)
When they first met (subconsciously)
Fun fact: at this point, if Joel had to choose between two options for one 24-hour period:
Sweet pea is with you all day and night, she walks with you to the junk yard, watches you chop wood, sits in your lap by the fire, you hold her all night, but you can't fuck her.
You can fuck her once but that's the only time you get to be with her in that 24 hr period.
He would choose 1, relatively easily. There might still be a split second where he's thinking about 2 like, could i do it all day? what counts as stopping? does cockwarming count? lol. But nah it's an easy choice.