As an older sibling who is a regressor, I wish I wasn’t the oldest. I wish I had an older brother.
I want someone to baby me, to look out for me, instead of the other way around. I want someone who wants to protect me and is capable of doing so. I want someone who is supportive of my femininity but also indulges me in more masculine activities. Someone older to confide in when parents just don’t understand. I want to be the one who has to “tag along.” I don’t want to be responsible, I want someone to be responsible for me. I want an older brother.
“Oh, take your little sister with you.” And he does and he includes me and makes me feel special.
“This is my little sister. I hope you don’t mind that she hangs around.” Is what he would say as he introduces me to his friends who I think are so cool.
He would say things like, “Hold brother’s hand,” or ask me what was wrong. I could confide in him because big brother always knows how to make me smile when my eyes are teary or comfort me when I’m scared. He would be silly and make me laugh.
I know that’s such a fictional idea of an older brother and probably not realistic, but I crave that specific type of affection and attention. Most of the time when I envision having a caregiver, the image is usually platonic, and the older brother figure is the one I always return to. I want to be little and small and I want my kind older brother to be my whole world… Does that make sense?