I am (black) woman. Hear me SMASH!
Can you see my icon? Well, there’s a chance I might change it after I (*knocks on wood*) meet a certain Captain Mal Reynolds in September 2017, but at the time of this post, it’s a picture of me, Kyo, hugging Chris Evans. Now, since that’s been posted, I can tell you right off the bat that it’s gotten a 99.8% positive reception by everyone who has seen it. I mean, come on. It’s Captain America. And he’s snuggling me. And also that’s the biggest, happiest smile that has ever crawled across my face and it’s very easy to tell that I’m enjoying myself quite a lot. But we’re not here to talk about how insanely satisfying that hug was.
We’re here to talk about that .2% negative reception.
So earlier today, someone I recently friended made a post that came to the size of “I hate it when white women jump onto a conversation in social media held between black people to give their unwanted opinion.” Thinking this was a fun conversation, I jump in with a facetious response that basic bitches have a dying need to do so.
Well, the response I got was not what I expected.
The person comes back at me with the fact that I can’t talk since I’m hugging white men in my photos and continues on in a highly, highly disrespectful, condescending tone about my joke.
Because that’s a totally reasonable reaction to a sarcastic comment from a person who has had you friended for a short period of time.
I was at lunch when the nasty comment was received. At the time, I was mostly confused, so I kept eating, responded with, “…okay, so that was a joke, but sure. Be mad. Adios.” I then blocked the person and finished eating.
And as the day progressed, I got angrier and angrier about it.
See, here’s the thing: fine, maybe my joke wasn’t funny and maybe somehow I offended the person by chocking it up to basic bitches. I’m socially awkward. All the time. I misjudge shit like you would not believe online. People have bashed me before and they will again until I’m dead. I hate it. I have low self-esteem, so every time someone insults me, I take it personally and usually spiral into an episode of depression as a result, even if the insult is ungrounded or delivered by a person who is basically just a walking assbucket. Maybe I’m a bad person who isn’t trying hard enough to be a good person. Maybe I should shut my mouth and keep on scrolling instead of contributing or trying to fit in with other people. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
But I still have a fucking problem with this guy.
I don’t like people who make broad generalizations based on limited evidence. If you looked at my photos, yeah, I’m hugging a BUNCH of famous white actors.
But why does that make it okay for you to insult me for it and assume that white men are the only men I care about at all?
Furthermore, why is it any of your fucking business to begin with?
I think the reason I just spent my entire day quietly fuming over this is because it did in fact come from a black man, and this is the second time I’ve gotten grief from a black guy about dating white men. I know it’s nowhere near as prominent as black men getting shit for dating white women, but it really pisses me off that he went there when he doesn’t know the first goddamn thing about me.
First of all, it would be different if all my pictures were just me with random white guys I had dated. It’s fucking Captain America. I know grown ass men of every color who would kill to wrap their arms around that walking Dorito made of sunshine and happy times. So coming to the conclusion that I’m a white chocolate chaser (actually, I have no idea if there is an insulting term for a black woman who prefers white men. Is that a thing? Wow, I need to Urban Dictionary this shit…) based on me hugging famous white dudes is pretty dumb and inaccurate. I’m into comic books, science fiction, fantasy, anime/manga, and other nerdy shit, and guess what? Right now, in our current nerd culture, most of the people who are prominent in those types of interests are white men. And that doesn’t mean I don’t love famous nerdy black people. For fuck’s sake, I would chop my arm off to meet Gina Torres or Phil Lamarr or Carl Lumbly or Cree Summer or Donald Glover. I have a shitload of nerdy black people on my bucket list that I can’t wait to take photo ops with as soon as the moment arises. Hell, I was going to meet Cree Summer in 2016 until my stupid former boss screwed me out of my vacation to see her at Momocon.
And even if it was just me and a bunch of white dudes who are not famous, who cares? Why does my taste in men at all affect how you didn’t like my fucking joke? What gives you the right to pass judgment on me as a person based on a shitty joke? Why would you insult me instead of just saying you disagree with the joke? Oh, right, because you are an assbucket.
Second of all, what the fuck is it with me getting not one but two complete strangers’ ire for dating outside of my race, as if this is the fucking 1950’s? Are you kidding me? Really? You don’t run my goddamn life. I can date whomever the fuck I want. I’ve been attracted to all kinds of guys. Hell, the last guy I found attractive was Muslim and Lebanese. A man is a man is a man. I don’t give a damn what color your skin is—if you’re a bomb ass motherfucker and physically attractive to me personally, I’m going to date you and I don’t care what anyone says, but it just makes me furious to get this from black men in particular. I hate it when interracial dating gets treated like betrayal. I don’t owe you shit. My skin color does not define my entire personality, although apparently it defines other people’s way more than I was aware of. I am a black woman. I love black men. I have loved black men my whole life.
But let me explain something real quick.
I don’t know jackshit about psychology, but I have pieced together that almost all of the positive relationships excluding family members that I have had since childhood to adulthood have been with heterosexual white males. From elementary school to high school, all I knew and was attracted to were black men because I went to a majority black school. I continued dating black men on through college, and by the time I graduated, I had a crush on a white guy and I had been friends with lots of them as I went to the University of Georgia. Post-college, I started to realize that in the South, a lot of the male friends that gravitated towards me were white men, and black men started to fall back. I didn’t seek them out, mind you, it just happened as my nerdiness started to flourish and I began to settle into who I was as a person. Add in the fact that nearly all the positive relationships with black men in my life were family members and the Freudian logic seems to follow through. Plus, I’ve only blind-dated one guy. Every guy I’ve ever liked has been a longtime friend, and as I said before, white men tended to gravitate towards me since I like comic books and manga and other nerdy shit.
So yes, I can safely say that I have a type, but that by no circumstances means that I only date white men or that I only seek them out.
Third of all, it makes me angriest of all that it seems like this is the reaction I’m going to keep getting from certain black male nerds. That shit is not okay. It is bad enough that black people often get shit from either white people or ignorant black people for being nerdy because even though it’s fucking 2017, certain people still think that being nerdy means you want to be white. Sorry. No. I love my skin. I love how perfectly brown I am. I have not once in my entire life wanted to be white. I love the experiences that have come from my race and I am perfectly happy with it as I continue along this ridiculous path I have chosen for my life. I shouldn’t have to put up with this bullshit from black men. You can’t just stare down your brain and tell it who to be attracted to. It’s chemistry. It’s biology. It’s psychology. You like what you like and you don’t like what you don’t like. The only way the assbucket’s argument would be valid is if I said that black men ain’t shit, and I don’t believe that for one second. Black men are awesome. They are some of the most attractive, intelligent, supportive, strong people on the planet, and guys like the assbucket are doing them a disservice with bullshit like what I heard today.
What’s my point in all this?
If you think that it’s totally fine to say some shit like this to someone, even if they made an ill-received joke, you’re a fucking walking garbage fire.
You don’t get to decide what is acceptable for someone else to date. You don’t get to pass judgment based on a passing glance of someone’s social life. And you especially don’t get to talk down to someone on an assumption that you have inadequate evidence to support.
Stay in your goddamn fucking lane.
I don’t get a lot of wins in my life. It’s very likely I’m going to never have kids and die an old cat lady because I’m so internally fucked up from various things in my past.
But you know what makes me happy?
Hugging as many fucking celebrities as I can before I shuffle off this mortal coil.
And I shouldn’t have to hear shit from anyone for that.
I am (black) woman. Hear me smash.
If anyone gets the reference in the title, you win a cookie.
