#ravyn larue

[art-and-soul-speak]

[ravynlarueart]

Spring 2014

[ravyn-larue-s-poetry]

'Why I Want Tattoos' by Ravyn LaRue

Okay so I think I gotta call this dysphoria But it isn’t even in a gender-sort-of-sense I mean, granted, my gender is undergoing metamorphosis right now And I’ve got to deal with the various growing pains But my discomfort with my own appearance Stems from the fact I don’t look what I’m used to myself looking like I got so comfortable with looking a certain way I was fatter and I loved it And now I see cheekbones and clavicles in the mirror And I want to fight and argue, “Who the fuck is that?” Why, that’s you, dear “What the fuck, no it isn’t- There must be something wrong with the mirror” No, dear, that’s all you For some reason the voice that answers Is that of my paternal grandma I haven’t heard her voice since she died And she was a beauty queen So maybe she’s proud That I look more like she did when she was my age But that is the problem, I don’t feel like I look like myself And I built myself up to be comfortable As my own sort of beauty queen And I loved how I looked until this happened And now my clothes don’t fit My boobs fall out- I haven’t any butt And more importantly my ribs hurt when I lie down And I can feel my hipbones So I lay my carcinogenic cellphone on my diaphragm I no longer can say diaphragmatic fat But I warm the muscles so they don’t hurt as much And I run my fingers across the hip bones emerging And tell myself I’ll maybe get Hedwig's wholeness tattoo there I promise myself things like that Because I want to be in control of my body again Because right now I’m not And maybe that’s why I dyed my hair Maybe that’s why I paint my nails And have been brainstorming tattoos for the last few weeks I don’t look like the me I see myself as anymore But I want to I may have to draw on myself And do things to start over on some sappy self love journey But just when things felt the most comfortable and stable My body decides it doesn’t want to be mine Or at least not under my control It has a mind of it’s own And we’ve been arguing Because it no longer looks like me And I’m left catching my reflection, and at times Being only able to snidely scoff “Uggh, who the fuck is that?"

[ravyn-larue-s-poetry]

'Sariya I' by Ravyn LaRue

I’m going to write about Sariya on the new blog I’m too nostalgic to write it here I smelled the drugs on the street And thought fondly And if something as pathetic as that Could come from somewhere Where he has no familiarity Writing of him on a blog Where I’ve spilled out my loyalty to him Is not a smart notion I cannot go on pretending things are the same I need to cut all remnants of him Out of my life And out of me I cannot go on safely If I allow his presence to stay dormant beneath my skin So that smells of substances Make me think of good times Those good times no longer exist Nor can they I need to be a bitch and put a stop to this Because if I keep my niceness He’ll kill me someday

[ravyn-larue-s-poetry]

'Filial Piety' by Ravyn LaRue

I don’t know what the deal is with those I used to call family right now it feels as though I’m essentially alone albeit purposely so because I cannot go on acting as if I need them when all it causes me is worsening of symptoms I wouldn’t have had had it not been for them my unbiological sisters remain kind and true but not the ones I lived with and I do not know how to cope I just know I need to

[ravyn-larue-s-poetry]

'A Discovery' by Ravyn LaRue

You can’t make haikus with “heteronormative” very easily

[ravyn-larue-s-poetry]

'Three Favorite Things' by Ravyn LaRue

My three favorite things in life right now are: —> Theatre —> NYC —> Hedwig and the Angry Inch Which co-exist and intersect in the most beautiful way They all feel so very much like home And I’ve learned I can’t count on other people being my home I cannot be that dependent Because many who once felt like family No longer even feel like friends And tying my sense of comfort and wholeness to their souls I’ve come to realize was an unwise decision And my three favorite things Involve everything home means and has ever meant to me Yet fictional characters And places And art forms Don’t scoop the guts from my open ribs Only to replace it with dull static And toxic bile I’m forced to believe Instead my heart gets nurtured Clothed with glitter and golden lights I long so deeply for all I feel in their presence And I’ll be back on the plane to reunite with them soon I cannot wait Tomorrow I get a taste, as with the following day And then Wednesday I get to reunite with the holy trinity of favorite things I cannot wait I love feeling alive; it had been a while

[ravyn-larue-s-poetry]

'What I Want To Be In 2015' by Ravyn LaRue

This year I fully intend to rebuild myself to be all the things I want to be but have previously been too scared to commit to I need to be brave enough to do this and I need to be braver than I’ve ever been but I am hoping that courage and confidence will come with commitment they say if you do something frequently for long enough after some time you can effortlessly continue on and I know all of this will be so fucking difficult probably harder than anything I’ve ever done before but thats why I need to believe I can do this and unfortunately my opinion seems to stand almost alone but I need to be the one who trusts myself and I’ve got to do this I’m going to write a multitude more ‘I Am’ songs until they become affirmations I have tattooed in my heart