#reagans diary

[a-babe-without-a-name]

Just purged my closet. Like actually really truly purged it. Everything that doesn't fit or I havnt worn in ages is going away.

As someone with hoarder tendencies, OCD, and just generally fucked up mental health, this is, like, a huuuuugggeee win for me.

[a-babe-without-a-name]

there's a phanny here at the coffee shop I'm writing in and I want to talk to them so bad. I know for a fact that they're interested in chicks because they have a carabiner on their jeans. I want to talk to them but I'm lowkey intimidated by women riiipppp

[a-babe-without-a-name]

el oh el, texted the person who ghosted me months ago to congratulate them on graduating uni. let's see how this plays out.

[a-babe-without-a-name]

Headed out on a maybe date with a coworker. Being gay is so confusing.

[a-babe-without-a-name]

Crying because whenever I ask to borrow money from my mom she always sends me double what I ask for 🥺🥺 i love my mom

[a-babe-without-a-name]

Pulaski at Night by Andrew Bird just played in the coffee shop I'm writing in right now. I don't often tell people it's my favorite song, or even think of it constantly. But it's one of the most important pieces of music in my life.

I heard it for the first time probably around 2015. I had just started using tumblr and I spent most of my time at home watching youtube. The song was used in a Dan and Phil edit. One of those longer ones that used to be on youtube all the time. I try to find it every now and then, but no luck so far.

I fell in love with this song. Outside of fandom space and the connection it had, it was the best song had ever heard in my life. I'd lay in bed and listen to it for hours on repeat.

It was a hard time in my life. I was...passively suicidal I guess. My mother was in an abusive relationship and freshly diagnosed with cancer. I was constantly angry and scared and anxious beyond belief. I think back to that time and genuinely don't know how I survived.

It took me so long to be better. I'm not completely there yet, but I'm an adult.

The first time I heard this song, I didn't expect to turn 16 years old. Or 18 or 21. I didn't expect to graduate or move to a different state or go to college or have my own house.

And now, I'm 23. I have my own life. I want to live. I want to be here in 10 years. I expect to be here in 10 years. And Pulaski at Night is playing on the speakers at the coffee shop I visit several times a week, in the town I call home, now.

Hm, funny how some things change and some things don't.

[a-babe-without-a-name]

I need everyone to know that I just had a convo out loud driving to work by myself. Im figuring out dialogue for a later chapter BUT I got a lil too into it. Very embarrassing when I realized I was talking to a fictional character like she was sitting next to me.

[a-babe-without-a-name]

sorry if this is intrusive im just curious and u dont have to answer but what do you do for work?

I don't mind. I don't know if y'all can tell, but I'm a very open person. Probably more so than I should be on the internet. Anyways, as of today I have three jobs. But! I'm very excited that today is my last day of having three jobs, and tomorrow I'll be back down to two.

Job #1 is as a Gallery Assistant at a community art gallery. I started working here the summer before senior year of college. I was very lucky and got the job through the art department at my school (which I was heavily involved in even though I was only minoring in studio art). I love it here, it's the reason I didn't move after graduation and It's the reason I'll probably stay in my town for a good while.

I've met so many incredibly people, I've been given a lot of opportunities to learn and grow and I've been out right told by the co-curators they want me to take over for them when they retire. Which is crazy to think about. Art has always been a part of my life, but I never saw a career in gallery art. I want to work in film, and that still is my long term goal, but being able to work in any creative field is a gift that I'll never turn down.

I'm very grateful to work here and they even gave me another position as Artist Coordinator for the Art Fair & Festival we host every year. It's a huge event, this year we had about 340 applications and we invited about 220 out of those. COVID killed the numbers a few years ago, but when I was digging around in the files we've had almost 500-600 applications a year before, which is crazy and I hope to get us up to those numbers again. We actually just sent out acceptance emails yesterday, meaning we also sent out rejection emails and oh boy can some people be nasty when they get turned down. Luckily, though, most were very understanding and asked for feedback on their submission as opposed to being mean, which was nice.

The only down side about the gallery is, because it's non-profit, the lack of hours. On an average week I work about 8 hours, during the winter slow season post Christmas I work about 4 hours a week. There a times when I get more hours, if we have events happening or if we have shows that need to go up/come down I get to work on that. And then around the Art Fair I work alot. Still, it's not enough to pay bills on it's own.

Which brings me to my second job, retail *sigh*. I don't hate it as much as I used to (thanks meds for mellowing me out haha), but it's necessary for me to be able to pay rent and all that. I was recently promoted to manager, which was the best possible thing for me. I got a significant pay raise, benefits, and the most important part FULL TIME HOURS. I'm guaranteed at least like 32-36 hours a week, something like that, but normally I have more. Is it going to be hard for me to sacrifice 40 hours of my week working at an outlet mall catering to entitled tourists? 100%. Does it kill my soul to be making a billion dollar company more and more money every day? You betcha. But, a gals gotta do what a gals gotta do. Luckily, we had a transfer from a California location and they are SO COOL. Transmasc, neon orange hair, cool clothes. Very much my kind of person, and we clicked very quickly. I work for a brand that you'd expect to have alot more alternative people working at, but that is NOT the case. So it's nice to finally have someone that GETS IT.

Anyways, I just started as manager, and it's fucked up because U had been begging for more hours for months and just not getting it. This is how I ended up with a THIRD job. It's a food service job at a local chain place. Easy enough but pays like shit. I only got it because I needed money and wasn't getting enough hours at my retail. Then 2 days after starting the manager(full time) position at my retail job opened up. It really sucked to tell a place that was already struggling to hire good people and very short staffed that I'd be leaving about a month after starting. But they understood and were very nice about it. Tonight is my last shift there (4:30 - 10:30 PM KILL ME) and I'm glad to not have to work in a kitchen any more, though I'll miss the highschoolers that act like I'm the coolest person ever just because I'm a couple years older, lol. For all the shitty parts about it, It was a pretty fun work place. Lots of just fucking around and joking, very chill, which is only fair when the pay is 14.25 an hour RIP.

Anyways, really long way to say I work in an art gallery, a retail store, and (for one more shift) at a fast food place. I'm excited to be making real money at the retail job, and also devasted that my writing time is going to be SLASHED by like 75%. I'm hoping that writing will come easier when I can spend my free time actually writing instead of worrying about paying rent or putting gas in my car or buying groceries.

This is a boy reason why Chapter 9 of SNTM isn't out. May was packed with job applications, roommates moving in and out, and friends graduating. And June was packed with racing between 3 different jobs.

July will be better. July will be calm and simple and I'll have time to write and everything will be okay.