Chapters: 2/2
Fandom: Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars - All Media Types
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Alexsandr Kallus/Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios
Characters: Alexsandr Kallus, Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios
Additional Tags: kalluzeb - Freeform, Rebels S2E17 Fixit / Missing Scene, Getting Together, Fluff and Some Smut, Humour
Series: Part 93 of The KalluZeb Tales
Summary:
Arihnda’s customary mid-afternoon pause for tea was especially welcome today with the slight chill. The Dome was climate-controlled, but the wind stirred the grass in the distance outside the viewport.
The room was warmed by company. She had a companion for this tea break, the Grand Admiral. “It’s my favorite tarine blend,” she offered.
He held the cup and saucer up to his nose to inhale the fragrant steam. “Most excellent,” Thrawn murmured. “Notes of peach and lothberry and mint?” He set the saucer back on the table and stirred precisely three times anti-clockwise. The spoon never touched the edge.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
The next chapter of my 'Kallus takes Zeb to meet the Family, whoops they're all ganglords' fic is out and this one is mostly Kalluzeb snuggles
"There we are, good as gold."
Alex gives a quiet scoff, flicking Zeb a look out from under his bangs. "I know my own complexion, thank you. A little grooming won't have cleaned away the blotchy bits."
"Y'look fine," Zeb reassures. He gives his human husband a charming, lopsided smile, as he gently tucks the hair Alex has let down back behind his ear. "Pink ain't a bad color on you."
"That is a lie." But Alex is smiling. And he can breathe again, which is a relief all its own.
Hey shinbine and wolfwren stans, my girlfriend @sithsandstardust and I wrote a fanfiction for them and the first few chapters are UP 😘 so if you wanna check it out it would mean the WORLD to us 🥰
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Warnings: death (and mention of grief), fighting, a fun lil canon swap
Summary: In search of your parents, you and the ghost crew infiltrate an imperial mining facility on Lothal.
Word Count: 4.7k
Kanan stood on top of the Ghost as it sat parked, looking out over the grassy plain of Lothal, deep in thought. The crew hadn't been back here in a while, not since before you'd been taken by the Grand Inquisitor. So much had changed, since then. Almost all of the change had been good—you'd grown in your power, strengthened your abilities, and become significantly wiser in the ways of the Force. You'd also admitted that you'd been in love with him. Kanan smiled. Sometimes he still had a hard time believing it—that he was free to adore you, to kiss you when he wanted, that you wanted him to—that you loved him too. He knew he would always be there for you, always be ready to be whatever you needed, whether that was in a romantic capacity or not. Still, now that you had opened yourself to him in that way—now that he knew what it was like, to lay beside you as you slept, to touch your face, to feel your body against his—he had to work hard to push down the fear he felt deep within himself that you'd eventually grow tired of him, or develop feelings for someone else. He knew he would never grow tired of you.
And then there was the issue of the emperor, just one of the secrets he still kept from you. Kanan worked hard each morning to clear his mind of this particular worry, to make sure you couldn't intuit this truth through his moods, his presence in the Force. Kanan had never lied to you, except perhaps by omission. The fact remained that you were hunted, that the emperor and those closest to him knew of your abilities and desired to identify you, and destroy you—or worse. Kanan wished he were stronger in the Force, wished he were more enlightened, enough to dislodge these worries permanently, to live in the present. The best he was able to do was push them to the back of his mind, and he did so forcefully, packing them up neatly and hiding them from view. He'd come up here to the top of the ship to find you, and he saw you now, your back to him, seated as you were in a meditative position on top of the cockpit. He stood, quietly, waiting for you to finish.
"What worries you?" he heard you ask, as you turned around, looking to him. Of course, though he had packed up certain thoughts, his mood was still heavy in the air. It was hard to get anything past you, these days. As the two of you had grown closer, romantically, emotionally, and...physically—Kanan felt himself getting distracted, only for a moment—your Force connection had grown even stronger than before, stronger than any Force connection Kanan had known in his life. It meant that keeping things from each other was difficult, if not completely impossible.
Kanan sighed, walking forward on the ship to sit down next to you. "Plenty," he told you, reaching for your hand, pulling it toward him to kiss your fingers. "But nothing you need to be concerned about." You narrowed your eyes at him, ever suspicious of secret-keeping.
"Kanan," you said, and he felt you adding a level of Force command to your voice, a habit you had perfected almost unknowingly. "You can tell me. We need to trust each other, you and I. It will make everything easier from here on out, if you treat me like your equal."
"Equal," Kanan repeated, laughing. "You are far above me in many ways, Y/N. You know this."
"But not in how in love I am," you responded, your voice growing softer, more vulnerable. "Right?" You stuck out your chin, resting your face on Kanan's shoulder.
Kanan laughed. "Right," he said, leaning in to plant kisses all over your face, holding your cheek with his free hand. "I am the most in love. One of the only areas in which I surpass you, I'm afraid." You smiled, and he knew you thought he was wrong. He'd let you believe it.
"So, if you're the most in love," you said, imploringly, sending shivers through Kanan's whole body as you crawled, moving your body closer to his. "Then..."
"Yes?" Kanan asked, looking into your eyes in anticipation. You looked up at him through your lashes, angling your face up toward his, brushing your knees up against his knees.
"Then you'll tell me what's worrying you," you finished, plopping back onto the metal of the ship. Kanan moaned, laughing. The fact was that you now knew how enchanted Kanan was at your very being, how little he was able to refuse you, and you'd begun to use it to your advantage. It was annoying, and adorable. Kanan turned his body to face yours, keeping one of your hands in both of his.
"The truth is," Kanan started, and he felt your body go still, your eyes on his face, because you'd felt the tone shift more serious. "I'm not who you think I am, Y/N." You leaned forward.
"Can I ask, now?" you probed, your eyes wide, your tone tentative. "Can I ask you about Caleb Dume?" Kanan inhaled quickly. As always, you had surprised him.
"How do you know that name?" he asked, though he thought he already knew the answer.
"When we...connected," you said, tenderly, trying to communicate through your eyes a sense of loving acceptance. Kanan felt this forgiving, calming feeling surround him, and he knew you were pushing out with the Force, trying to dispel his anxiety. "When I learned of your feelings for me, when I saw your memories of us through your eyes...I heard and saw other things, as well." Kanan nodded. This made sense.
"Caleb Dume is my name," he said, looking away, out at the plains. "My given name. I shed the name Caleb when I fled Order 66—when I fled my past. My true identity." You were now stroking his hands, cupping them in your own. "There are things about me that you don't know, Y/N. Things you wouldn't like. Things I don't like." Kanan heaved a deep breath. Underneath his voice was his worry, and he knew you felt it. His worry you would leave him when you found out who he truly was—when you found out that he had betrayed his master, that he had run away from those who needed him. That he had deserted his ideals. That he had been a coward.
"I don't need to know everything you've done to know who you are, Kanan," you said, pushing Force calm over him once again. "Some things in the past—they don't matter anymore. What matters is who we are now." Kanan nodded. This sounded very wise, but he didn't fully believe it.
"Did you discover the answers you were looking for?" he asked you, changing the subject for the time being. "Do you know where we should start, in looking for the truth about your parents?" He felt your discomfort at the changing direction of the conversation, but you didn't push it with him.
"I keep seeing flashes," you said. "Memories, I guess. Of the same place."
"Well, we should start there, then," Kanan said, standing up, reaching out his hand to you. You took it, allowing him to help you up. "What place are you referring to?"
"It's a lake," you said, as you turned to walk back in the direction of the upper hatch of the Ghost. Kanan placed a hand on the small of your back. It was a slight gesture, but one that mattered. You felt the care he meant to communicate. He smiled. "A lake my parents took me to, when I was young. I keep seeing it—the way it looked when my parents and I swam, the sun shining on us." Kanan felt the shift in your tone, and began stroking your back with this thumb.
"We'll find out what happened to them, Y/N," Kanan said, and you turned to look at him, your eyes full of anxiety.
"What if they're alive, Kanan?"
"If they are," Kanan said, turning to face you, "I won't rest until we've found them, and brought them home."
"Should we go over the plan, again?" Hera asked, sitting in cockpit of the Phantom.
"We know," Zeb said, rolling his eyes from the co-pilot's chair. "We drop Kanan and tiny a half a mile out. From there, we fly around the rocks to the southern side of the lake, scouting as much as we can from above."
"Then we wait for...well, who knows," Sabine added, standing with you and Kanan near the back of the small ship.
"Just be ready for anything," Kanan told them, and at his words, you felt your insides squirm. Kanan put his hand on your arm. He could always feel your fear, now.
"Coming up on the drop point," Hera told you, as she lowered the ship, but didn't land it. Sabine pressed the button to open the ramp.
"Good luck," Sabine said as you and Kanan jumped the remaining meters to the ground below. The jump was a long one, but, given that you and Kanan had a knack for manipulating the Force, you landed comfortably.
"Whatever happens," Kanan told you, "I'm with you."
"Right," you said, pushing aside your fear. You didn't know what you expected to find here—the place had been calling out to you through the Force, but you were wary of what that might mean. You lead Kanan as you headed in the direction of the lake. It was surrounded by rocks on the western and southern sides, and you'd decided those rocks would be a perfect place to scout out the area, should you run into any unexpected visitors. You began to climb.
"Careful, Y/N," Kanan told you, as he watched your foot slip an inch or two on the rock. He climbed beneath you. Though it wasn't as if you were climbing a cliff, the rocks were sharp and hard, and falling would not be pleasant.
"I've got it," you told Kanan, feeling his hand on your ankle, trying to make sure you didn't fall. Your mind was racing. Why had you seen this lake in your visions? What might you find here?
The two of you climbed on. You pulled yourself up to a landing in the rocks, close to their peaks, a spot that gave you just enough cover to hide, but held a view of the lake below. You heard Kanan pull himself onto the landing beside you.
"Um, Spectre 6? Are you seeing this?" you heard Sabine ask you through the comm attached to your belt. You peered through the rocks at the lake.
It looked nothing like the lake from your memories. The place of your childhood had been remote, surrounded only by natural beauty. The lake you looked down on now was surrounded by buildings, low bridges built over the water in multiple directions. Everything was metallic, built, and disrupted. The water, you saw, had turned an unfamiliar color.
"It's an imperial mining base of some kind," you heard Hera say through the comm. "It looks like they're extracting some kind of raw material."
"But what?" Kanan asked through his comm, his eyes on your face as you beheld the monstrosity below you.
"Will they stop at nothing? Will they leave no stone unturned?" you asked, turning to Kanan, your eyes widening, desperate with an ache for your home world. "Will they destroy every last bit of Lothal?" Kanan had no words of comfort to offer you. He couldn't tell you it would all be all right, nor could he tell you that Lothal might be spared the imperial tyranny you all had come to know so well. Instead, he pressed his lips against your forehead, pulling you close to him, communicating instead that he understood your pain, that he wanted to bear it with you.
"It's the water," you heard Zeb say through the comm. "What they're mining for. It's in the water." You puzzled through this, looking down again at the bridges running over the lake. When you squinted, you could see large, metal devices moving beneath the surface of the lake.
"But what about the fish? The plants?" you asked, feeling the aching pangs in your middle. At this admission, it clicked into place in your mind. You turned to Kanan.
"It's the barinnium," you told him, speaking quickly. "That's what they're mining for. Barinnium."
"What's barinnium?" Kanan asked, keeping his eyes on your face.
"The mineral that colors Lothal's atmosphere. In large quantities, barinnium can be made into explosives." Your eyes clouded as you remembered your parents voices—how they had explained to you what the colors meant, the ones you had seen in the sky when the Empire attacked. "Powerful explosives."
"What does this all have to do with your parents?" Kanan asked, feeling anxious as he looked back down at the facility.
"I don't know. But they knew about the barinnium," you said slowly, thinking hard. "What if the Empire took them because of their knowledge of Lothal's natural resources? What if...what if they're being held prisoner, here?" You scanned the facility beneath you, frantic.
"Y/N," Kanan said, tugging at your arm, trying to get you to look at him. "We wouldn't even know where to begin to look. Maybe we should end this scouting mission now, and come back later, when we know more of what we're dealing with. We can make a plan." You shook your head quickly.
"Kanan, my parents could be down there," you told him, pleading. "Turn back if you want. But I'm not leaving." You scanned the buildings beneath you, looking for a weak point. You didn't see any guards, but you assumed the facility was rigged with other traps—imperial probes, at the very least.
"I'm not leaving you," Kanan said quietly. "I will follow your lead." You nodded, looking back up at him, pure gratitude in your eyes.
"There," you told him, pointing beneath one of the bridges. "See what I see?"
"A vent," Kanan responded, nodding, understanding your train of thought.
"Exactly," you said, your eyes zeroing in on your target. "That's our way in."
You hung on for dear life, the bridge above you, you clinging underneath it with your arms and legs like a spider monkey. Slowly, you crawled, hanging underneath the bridge, Kanan crawling behind you.
"Almost there," you told him, looking at the vent ahead of you, and he nodded, slowing his crawl as he too clung to the underside of the bridge.
"I can...I can feel them," you said, stopping your crawl, distracted by a murmuring in your head.
"Y/N? What is it?" Kanan whispered, his voice sounding uneasy.
"I...my parents," you tried to say, but your vision was starting to cloud as you concentrated on the voices in your head, feeling the images again, the faint impressions of memories. "I can feel them." The Force tugged at you, and you looked up, past the bridge you hung from, up to one of the higher ones. You shook your head, trying to clear your mind. It couldn't be.
"Y/N," Kanan told you again. "Y/N, what's going on?"
"I see him!" you said suddenly, your eyes going wide. "I see my father!" You crawled out from under the bridge, pulling yourself up onto it.
"Y/N, no!" Kanan said urgently, following you up onto the bridge.
"I can hear him speaking to me," you said, turning back to Kanan, your eyes still clouded. You broke into a run, leaping from the bridge you were on to the adjacent one, and then up onto the higher one you'd seen. You were sure. You felt his presence. You couldn't believe it.
"Y/N! Wait!" Kanan yelled frantically, running to jump and follow you up onto the higher bridge. You let him catch up to you, standing up on the upper bridge, whirling around.
"He was...he was just right here," you said, confused. In the back of your mind, you noticed that there were no alarms sounding—no probes coming in to detect your presence, no security of any kind. In your distracted state, you registered this, but it was not your main concern.
"Father!?" you yelled, and Kanan grabbed your arm, shushing you.
"Y/N, we need to leave," Kanan said, his voice filled with dread.
"We can't! I saw him, Kanan! We need to find him—them—they're here! I just..." You shook your head, feeling some of the clouded-ness fall away, fear taking its place. "Where...?"
"Ah Jedi," you heard a familiar voice say, and the clouds in your mind left you completely, the feeling of ice filling your veins. "So easy," the voice continued. "You Jedi always hunt yourselves." You turned to face him, the presence you had sensed too late. The Grand Inquisitor.
Kanan stepped in front of you, lighting his saber. "You will never touch her again," he spat, and you felt the anger pulsing through him, the rage he felt for the inquisitor in front of him. You too lit your saber, pushing aside your fear.
"Always the gentleman," the Grand Inquisitor mocked in his eerily calm voice. "She is but the bait, Kanan Jarrus. And so easy to manipulate," he said, looking at you as you peered from behind Kanan's stance. "The quality time I spent with your apprentice gave me much to work with." The inquisitor smiled a wicked smile.
"Where are my parents?" you asked, and you hated how small your voice sounded, how much fear you had let slip from your vocal chords.
"Quite slow on the uptake, your padawan," the Grand Inquisitor said to Kanan. "They're dead, young one. Killed, years ago. And yet, you still search for them." The inquisitor laughed. "You Jedi truly underestimate the weakness that is compassion." You swallowed hard, pushing aside all of your feelings, concentrating on the Force. You and Kanan needed a way out of this, and you sensed that the only way out was through. You held your saber high.
"You underestimate the strength," Kanan said, his voice a commanding volume in his anger, "that it is to care for another." He walked forward, ready to attack, to defend you to the end.
"Such heroics won't be necessary," the Grand Inquisitor said slowly, as if he wanted to draw this out—as if he were enjoying it. "Your padawan is already well acquainted with pain."
It was quick as a flash. If you'd blinked, you might have missed the movement, Kanan rushing at the Grand Inquisitor, closing the gap between them instantaneously. At the same time, you felt all of your muscles stiffen, felt yourself held in the Force, unable to move your arms or legs.
"Kanan!" you shouted, wanting to run to his aid, wanting to help him in this fight, but you remained still as you watched Kanan and the inquisitor swing their lightsabers, fighting in the world's most perverse dance.
"I won't let him hurt you!" Kanan shouted as he fought. "Not again!" You watched as he pushed with the Force, the Grand Inquisitor thrown back a few steps. You knew Kanan was holding you here, using his effort to keep you out of the battle, and you hesitated to use the Force to push back against him to free yourself. You didn't want him to waste any of his energy on you. Not when his opponent swung at him, again and again.
You watched with horror as the battle continued. It was difficult to see who had the upper hand, both fighters very skilled. You reached out with the Force, trying to sense a way out of this mess. The battle seemed to be taking place in slow motion. And then—instantaneously, with a gasp—you felt what would happen before it did. The Grand Inquisitor reached up with the circular hilt of his blade, hitting Kanan across the face, using the Force to push him back and off of the bridge.
"No!" you yelled, as you felt the Force bind break, you falling to your knees. You looked over the side of the bridge, looking for Kanan, for his body, for anything—but you saw nothing. You reached out with the Force, trying to feel his presence, but felt only blankness, only cold, only lack.
You couldn't move. You couldn't breathe. It couldn't be real. The pain rocked you in waves as you searched, frantically. You felt your vision closing, closing into blackness, your line of sight narrowing to the size of a pin. You took ragged breaths, trying to get oxygen to your lungs, but you couldn't seem to feel your body. It couldn't be. Kanan couldn't be—
"Dead," the Grand Inquisitor finished for you, triumphantly. You cried out, not able to stop yourself, falling onto your hands on the bridge, your lightsaber at their side. You knew it was true. You knew, looking down at the large metal devices churning under the surface of the water, that there would be no resurfacing for anyone who fell into those depths. You tried to keep the sobs inside of you, but they came out of their own will. Your wonderful and perfect Kanan, your guardian, your protector, your teacher, your everything. You couldn't handle the weight of the coldness you felt descending upon you. It was all your fault. You'd brought him here—you'd said you needed to continue, you wouldn't let him turn back—all because of a trick. The Grand Inquisitor had tricked you again, and you'd been stupid enough to fall for it. It was your fault. Kanan was gone.
"Yes," the Grand Inquisitor said, feeling your anger, your fear. "Let it in, padawan. Let in that anger. Let it fuel you." The sound of the inquisitor's mocking voice brought back your vision, but not your breath, not your feeling. All you felt was an immense cold through the Force, as if everything around you—air, water, sky—were ice, were nothing, were the vacuum of space. It was heavy. It was uncaring. But somehow, you could move through it. Somehow, the cold gave you strength. Your eyes turned cruel. You stood up, taking your saber in hand, feeling the darkness flowing through you.
"That was a mistake," you told the Grand Inquisitor, and even you didn't recognize your voice. You saw the villainous being falter at the sight of you.
"Why? Because you have no one left to die for you?" the inquisitor asked, pulling back his wicked smile.
"No," you told him, raising your weapon, your eyes zeroing in on your target. Your kill. "Because I have nothing left to fear."
You felt, for the first time, the Grand Inquisitor's fright as you rushed at him, your weapon moving faster than light, than sound. These moves were not the lightsaber combat variations you'd learned in your training. These moves didn't seem to be coming from you at all. Rather, as you fought, you felt the current of the coldness around you lashing out, fueling your power, all of the energy of this entire place working to destroy your enemy. You wanted blood.
Kanan came to slowly, his head swimming. He felt blood on his face, wiped it out from under his nose, trying to sit up. His vision was blurry. He felt the coldness before anything else—the depth of it startled him. Y/N, he thought desperately. Where were you? He must protect you, he must—
The Force tugged at him, and he looked up. He saw, far above where he had fallen onto one of the lower pipes snaking under the bridges, two lightsabers, one red, one blue, flying through the air. As he focused in, he watched as you fought the Grand Inquistor, and felt out through the Force.
Y/N he thought again, this time in fear—for he recognized the source of the coldness that surrounded him. He felt it emanating off of you, felt your fury, your anger, your grief, felt it all as you channeled every bit of strength you had at the being in front of you. As he watched, he caught a glimpse of gold cross your face, a dark, amber color that froze his insides. He wouldn't have thought it possible, that this current in the Force could be in your presence. He needed to get to you.
Kanan climbed, pulling himself up onto one of the lower bridges, working with his injured muscles to get closer to you. Miraculously, his lightsaber had remained in his hand despite his fall, and he hung it from his belt as he climbed. He watched as you fought, watched as you took out one side of the Grand Inquisitor's lightsaber.
"Such heroics," he heard the Grand Inquisitor say to you. "They won't bring him back."
At these words, Kanan felt a tidal wave in the Force, an energetic bomb rock through him as you screamed. It was the most horrible noise Kanan had ever heard, the coldest, most painful sound. He watched from below as you swung again, breaking the other side of the inquisitor's saber, the force of your anger pushing your opponent off the bridge entirely, compelling him to hang off the side, gripping with his gray hands.
Kanan jumped. He had to get to you. He must make sure you didn't do anything you would later regret. He pulled himself up onto the bridge you were on, too far away from you for you to see him.
Kanan watched as you looked down at the Grand Inquisitor, hanging beneath you. A fall from this height would be fatal, Kanan knew, and you seemed to know it too. Kanan saw you lower your saber to the inquisitor, hesitating.
"You have no idea what you've unleashed here today," Kanan heard the Grand Inquisitor say. Your eyes were locked on the villain's. The two of you seemed to be communicating without speaking. You lowered your lightsaber.
"There are some things far more frightening than death," the inquisitor said, softly, and, stunned, Kanan watched as the gray dark-sider let go of the bridge, falling willingly to his death.
Shock rippled through the air, through Kanan, and through you. He watched you as you stood, saw your eyes trying to parse the meaning of what the Grand Inquisitor had said. Kanan felt the cold lessen in you, felt you fighting back against it, with the Force. He hurried toward you.
"Y/N," Kanan said, calling out to you as he closed the gap between you. You looked up in disbelief, gasping. You made a sound, half cry, half wail as Kanan reached for you, pulling your body into his arms as it fell limp against him.
"It's okay," he told you, pressing his arms around you tight. "It's all okay now."
"I thought you...I thought..." you choked out, but you couldn't finish your sentence through your sobs. Kanan pushed Force calm toward you, expelling the coldness, creating an energetic bubble of light around the two of you.
"I know," Kanan said, understanding the source of the cold feeling, but pushing away his own fear for now, his thoughts only on you. "I know."
You looked up, the tears streaming out of your eyes, grabbing onto Kanan's face, onto his head. You kissed every inch of him you could reach, and he leaned down to meet you, your arms around his neck pulling him closer, pushing your cheek against his. He cherished this reunion more than you could ever know, but in the back of his mind, as he wiped the tears from your face, was the image of you, a golden glint in your eye, commanding a great cold in the air. Kanan pulled you to him, feeling your cries grow quieter and softer, your hands grabbing onto his arms, as if you needed to make sure he were real.
"We're okay," Kanan repeated, and he stroked your hair, looking up at the Lothal sky, wondering if he had, for the first time, told you a lie.
lowkey inspired by this post by @gizkalord bc it got me on the rebels feels again. hera misses her son (and the love of her life).
WORD COUNT: 829
XXX
The thing about Kanan's death was that it was permanent.
The thing about Ezra's disappearance was that the galaxy was wide and vast and Hera had a war to fight and a baby to care for. That in his last message, Ezra had spoken with finality and an apparent knowledge that he would be gone for a long time. That the purrgil, an animal Hera hardly knew of or understood, had taken her first son into deep space, and that he had not been seen nor heard from in years.
Kanan was gone. That was true and irrevocably permanent.
Ezra was gone. This was true but not permanent.
In the months after the Battle of Lothal, Hera had made lists in her head. Things she couldn’t change and things she could.
Things she couldn’t change:
-Kanan was dead
-Her child would never meet their father
-Her family would forever be missing at least one member
-Her family was splintered, spread out across the galaxy
Then, the things that she could change:
-The Rebellion was struggling against the Empire
-Her child would be raised by a single mother
-Her child would be raised during a galactic war
-Ezra was gone
The second list became itemized. It became her lifeline, a mantra she repeated to herself when the grief or the fear threatened to overwhelm her. She would get through her pregnancy and figure out a way to care for her baby. She would survive the next battle, then the next. The Rebellion would grow. They would win the war. Then, they would find Ezra.
It was difficult to reconcile with the order of things. Gods, she just wanted Ezra back. She wanted Kanan back, too, but he was, impossibly, further away than Ezra. She wanted to spend every second of every day combing every inch of the galaxy for Ezra, but first.
But first, they had a war to fight.
Her boys seemed to realize this before they left her. Kanan and Ezra had accepted their fates calmly- my loss is secondary to the war. Secondary to your survival.
And also:
I love you. I do this for Lothal. I do it for you, and for our family. I am far but not gone. I will see you again one day.
They had left her with so many things unsaid.
One day apparently meant years or decades in the future. Too long for Hera to count the hours or rotations. By the time Jacen was born, she had already lost track of the exact number of days she had been without her partner and son.
It was ridiculously unfair. But Hera had lost her mother to war before she had reached adulthood, so she was used to unfair.
She was used to loss. She knew how to grieve effectively. She didn’t want to- she had waited so long to say I love you to Kanan for that very reason- but that didn’t matter. She had loved him long before she declared it out loud.
Hera understood how to heal from a permanent loss. She knew how to survive with half a heart.
Mourning Ezra was different, because she waited for years for Ezra to suddenly remerge, and he didn’t. Hera missed him and mourned for that loss, but she couldn’t accept that he was truly gone.
Maybe that was a bittersweet blessing, though. She had healed from Kanan’s loss (for the most part) before realizing that Ezra would be gone for a long, long time, and so she had to grieve him too.
That was another battle she had faced: Hera expected to see Ezra everywhere she went. On every backwater world, she searched for his face, had his name on the tip of her tongue, ready to call out for him when he was finally spotted.
That never happened. The war continued, then the war ended.
Sabine came to her when all was said and done, and vowed to find Ezra. It was a calling, she said. Something she knew she had to do- something Ezra had told her to do.
In some ways, Sabine had already flown from the nest- Hera and Kanan had let her go for the sake of Mandalore, and that was a decision that hurt, but that had been accepted. She was their family, but she was an adult. They were proud of her, and she would forge her own path, even if it diverged from theirs.
Hera gave her blessing for Sabine to leave again.
She hugged the young woman- her daughter in all but blood, and told her to bring Ezra home.
There they were: more unspoken words. The ones that had come to her when she accepted the losses of Kanan and Ezra, the ones she used to soothe herself as she watched Sabine depart again.
I love you. I have loved you since the day you entered my life. In order to survive, I must let you go.
