#recall&reflect

[i-couldnt-be-captain-america]

Y'know, it's kinda jarring to see people say that "John did nothing wrong" as of recently, (aka I spotted two YouTube videos back to back), because like. No one was in the right in the plaza situation, I was acting on impulse and grief- sure, I don't regret it, but the decision wasn't made in the right state of mind. Not to say that the terrorist group was correct in this, Karli still killed my best friend, Sam and Bucky still broke my arm to get the shield back. Whatever. These situations are never black and white, and seeing one side as the absolute truth is the exact opposite of the point. Thank you for comin to my TedTalk

[i-couldnt-be-captain-america]

It's so very late, and I want to talk about a very specific memory. Because I can and want to.

During calm moments in the Watchtower, between relatively-stressless missions, I used to take occasional trips to Georgia. Always used to say I was "visiting the folks", but in reality, I was deep within the woods. Central Park just wouldn't cut it some times, too man-made, too uncanny, it made my skin crawl. It felt like an enclosure at times, sometimes I had to feel the real thing, y'know? In the Georgia woods, backpacking and sleeping beneath the stars, I could almost imagine my squad in the desert, falling asleep to the sound of whispered chatter.

I miss those woods, I should take a trip up to Georgia one of these days.

[i-couldnt-be-captain-america]

Y'know, as much as I hate the guy, hearing that Barnes remembered breaking my favorite mug was weirdly nice. Fuck him, but also wow. That's my team. Huh.

He even drew a markup from memory and goddamn! That's my mug! I miss that fuckin cup! And how Yelena would make fun of my collection of America-themed mugs. And trying to drink shot for shot with Alexei (failing miserably). And stormy evenings, sittin in the living room just being in the presence of these guys. Never fully admitting I was there to hang out with them, but not leaving when they sat down at the bar. Man

[i-couldnt-be-captain-america]

Y'know, I talk up and down about how much I miss Georgia, but. New York's rent was so much cheaper than here's. What do you mean there isn't a horrible city-destroying event every couple of years? What do you mean we don't have a community and constant fundraiser to help rebuild all the damages?

Am I happy about that? Disappointed? Who knows

[i-couldnt-be-captain-america]

If you thought the weirdly-familiar dreams were gone, think again.

Past memories trying to taunt me, it'd be annoying if I didn't savor every moment, do everything I can to remember every blurry detail. Dreamt of the countryside early this morning, with rolling, sun-dried grass hills leading up to a big white house. It almost felt uncanny, and I think I got trapped inside? Less than stellar, but it felt important, y'know?

[i-couldnt-be-captain-america]

Whether or not you were able to make it as Captain America is irrelevant. Not everyone's built to fill shoes like that. Things started rough, I won't say that I agreed with it all, but that doesn't define where it ends. And, for the record with that last ask you got, Steve was pretty good at getting people on the right track. Don't know that he wouldn't have tried with you. (Also, just noticed people were signing off on their messages. I'm Bucky, but we haven't interacted much beyond two other asks I sent.)

I would say it's kinda relevant, but I'll humor you. Shit, I didn't even want to be Cap necessarily, I was just one of the survivors of my team, the one who walked away the cleanest. You can talk up and down about a damn bloodied shield, but Rogers himself was one idiot away from killing Stark the same way (Heart instead of Head, but you get the point). I wouldn't want his help, because at the end of the day, he's just like me. Sam on the other hand, I'd trust the guy a bit more, even with the whole arm-snapping shtick.

[i-couldnt-be-captain-america]

I'll be the first (or perhaps the last) person to say, my ego and pride got in the way of opportunity after opportunity. It led to more fights and arguments than it was really worth, made me a little hungry for power. For the serum. Lemar only fed into it, the poor guy, explaining away my worries and building myself up. I almost feel bad for the way I treated folks as Cap, but the glory of it all felt like tunnel vision, felt like finally achieving my goal of helping people.. when I probably wasn't doing as well as I perceived. So deep in the mask, I couldn't see things for what they really were, it makes me fuckin' crazy.

Doesn't help that I still struggle with it to this day, still feel a visceral anger at being called weak. Or losing. Competitive by nature, but cringe about it afterwards like post-nut-clarity. Whatever. Stay humble folks, I'll just live vicariously through y'all

[i-couldnt-be-captain-america]

Where’d you live in GA?

Hey! I believe it was somewhere relatively close to Chattanooga? Very edge of a military park, since my father was a passionate vet (and certified fuckass!). The park itself wasn't all bad, I was visiting it a lot actually. It was a great escape, y'know?