Regrets About Your Egret (T. Chase Meacham)
Dear Mr. Wisenback,
Thank you very much for your recent submission to Field and Stream. I think I speak on behalf of the entire editorial staff when I say that you truly exemplify the depth, color, and eccentricity of our dedicated Field and Stream enthusiasts (our "Band of Freamers,"if you will). We particularly appreciated your do-it-yourself approach to complicated wildlife issues, your disdain of French people, your commitment to 2nd Amendment rights, and your interesting footnotes on successful tax evasion. Believe me when I say, Mr. Wisenback, we at the Board consider you a true Freamer, and a friend.
We regret to inform you, however, that due to the high volume of submissions that we receive, we will be unable to publish "Seven Hands-On Ways To Spay Your Egret." We hope that you will continue writing, however, and welcome any further submissions in the future.
The editorial staff did request that I respond to you individually on a number of matters. As I'm sure you know, Field and Stream caters to a diverse and rustic audience, many of whom prefer small words and concise articles. And while we on the Board always appreciate hearing from our many enthusiastic ornithologists, the staff felt that 230,000 words was a bit long for our Opinions pages. For your records, our suggested word count is 700.
Field and Stream also does not publish list articles, though the Board appreciates the level of detail, research, and passion with which you embraced an ordinarily lackluster genre. And the handwritten diagrams that you included, while quite helpful, are perhaps a bit too graphic for this publication.
Field and Stream also does not publish personal photographs, though we appreciate the number that were included in this submission. Congratulations, by the way, to you and your wife. And please send our regards to your niece on what looks to have been a moving and emotional Bat Mitzvah.
The Board appreciates the many gifts that you sent to our newsroom along with your submission. Although we do request that, upon future submissions, you refrain from sending us any more of the following items: marijuana, whittled phalluses, pipes, bongs, defamatory depictions of the French, any parts of yak, any parts of buffalo, explosive materials, firearms, defamatory depictions of sitting politicians, or any more urine samples from members of the Palin family. Though we do appreciate the sentiment.
And lastly, some members of our Board have asked me to remind you that, while we know you are a gifted and devoted student of the natural sciences, it appears from your submissions that you have been neutering a very large number of endangered or protected fowl. We suggest you consult with a specialist before furthering your work, though we do hope you will continue to share your passion with those close to you.
Thank you again for keeping Field and Stream a part of your good, old fashioned, red-blooded recreation. As God recently said to his children, and as we say here at Field and Stream - grab a beer, grab a gun, and claim dominion over some wildlife.
Yours sincerely,
The Editorial Board of Field and Stream