#relationship blogging

[floralqueer]

“I will 100% bang you as a cute androgynous sometimes-trans-dude, if that feels good to you” that’s some good straightish-boyfriending right there, thx!!

[congratsonblooming]

things i've observed from the girl i'm jealous of

every thing that happens to her is a positive. she's getting braces well into adulthood. she presents this as something she's excited and eager about.

she doesn't let disrespect get to her.

she struggles to understand why others would be disrespectful towards her in the first place.

she focuses on and highlights the fact that she is a queen, she is a princess, she is inherently worthy and deserving of proper treatment.

she takes excellent care of herself on a physical level.

she doesn't follow trends. she forces trends to follow herself.

and somehow, in some way, she's absurdly successful with all of this.

if you'd like details on what this girl does that is so different from others, comment "jealous."

[skepticamongthefaithful]

Despite the indifference you showed me towards the end, the likelihood that I was just a placeholder irregardless of our years together, I still find myself missing our conversations.

I know you moved on long ago, but on nights like tonight, I can feel myself reaching out for you.

It makes sense, in a way, if only because I chose to let you go after I realized you didn’t really love me; four years together and you skip out on my sisters wedding, can’t even be arsed to visit the theater when you say hikes remind you of the ex, and yet you managed to show up every day in LA for that student film. That last bit made me realize what you’d put yourself through for your passions, despite your history of depression and neuroatypical personality, and finally see that I didn’t even factor in to a fraction of that love.

Look at you now, though, finally in that city you vapidly hated for so long, getting that support orange county never could give you… the night life carrying you in ways I only imagined.

I’m happy for you.

I just wish we never got together.

I would’ve been better off healing in solitude, as I am now, rather than running in circles with a person who either stopped caring about me half-way through or never did from the start.

For all you’ve given me, I’d likely be better off if we never met.

Still, I miss you.

[skepticamongthefaithful]

Is still unwarranted emotional labor if the trauma was born out of the relationship?

Did we ever have a chance when you picked me up less than a month after I broke up with the abuser?

Am I actually right about my latest summation - were you really that selfish, self-centered, and I was just too busy recovering to notice?

Why does any of this matter?

The realizations, like usual, are years too late. My own memories are not reliable. Most evident of all - there’s no desire for either of us to return to what we had.

Still, I wish I could know the truth. I wish closure wasn’t over-rated. I wish.

[skepticamongthefaithful]

I don’t even wonder if you think about me now, despite everything we’ve been through.

I was only a routine.

[skepticamongthefaithful]

First off, I apologize for this being a bit of tangent, as well as any spelling/grammar issues; it's currently midnight when I'm writing this and I've had a bit too much to drink. And yes, in a way, the later part is partially why I'm here.

I was having some trouble sleeping tonight thanks in part to a new job I'll be starting soon, somewhat upset I'll be going back to working two jobs, when I randomly decided to creep on my last exes twitter. Yeah, never a good idea, though I thought I was safe since she never, ever seems to post about romantic interests - just politics and vague life/art landmarks. At least, it's been that way since we broke up some years ago, until today when she made some comment about a boyfriend offering to heckle her at an open mic.

Don't get me wrong, it is cute, and I'm not stupid. It's been years - if there was anything there, she would've reached out, especially with the knowledge that I was an EMT during the start of the pandemic - of course she's moved on since. It's only natural for her to eventually end up with someone else.

Still, it stings. We had been together four years, and though we had our issues, I truly felt I had a best friend in her. We shared a lot of great memories, had a ton of engaging talks, but towards the later part of our relationship I could tell I wasn't really a priority for her. Yes, I understood school and work was important for her; I'm not one of those guys who feels neglected just because their girlfriend has a job, family, or other responsibilities.... but when your girlfriend refuses to so much as go on a small day hike or weekend movie, citing her responsibilities, then suddenly finds two weeks worth of time to play unpaid PA from 4AM to 2AM without any transportation... you suddenly realize what she is willing to do for something she's passionate about... then you follow that mindset to its logical conclusion of her just not loving you.

It's for that reason I don't regret breaking up with her. I was holding her back, after-all. And if she wanted to talk to me, she would've reached out when I mailed her belongings back out to her along with some germicidal wipes and respirators mid-pandemic.

I know the above might seem a bit over the top, but trust me. That's the first time in a LONNG time I've creeped on her twitter - the last time she only mentioned a high school ex rather than me (ouch) - so I definitely learned my lesson tonight.

In the end, I am happy for her, and I hope this guy is of better help than I was in her pursuit of a better life. Like I said, it still stings, especially when I think about the small signs I saw along the way that alluded to our relationship being one-sided, despite her initiating it. Maybe she did feel something in the beginning, only for those emotions to be slowly replaced with a sense of loyalty and routine.

I won't ever know and it doesn't really matter anymore.

It's just wild to think about how things ended up considering we were one of those disgusting couples already naming their kids. I guess it just goes to show you never really know where you'll end up in a couple of years... or just how much whiskey you poured yourself out.

[space-librarian]

I don’t see my therapist for another week, so y’all have to hear me screaming into the void about my ex again!

I visited with a friend this weekend (technically an ex but we make much better friends) and I realized something.

There was much cuddling and draping on top of each other and caressing. And that caressing was not tickling me. There was like one time when it got a little ticklish but that was it

For the past TWO YEARS I thought that I had gotten more ticklish or that something was wrong with me bc my boyfriend couldn’t seem to touch me without tickling me. Didn’t matter how many times we talked about it, or how many times I said “Do this, not that”. Constantly tickled, to the point that I would sometimes flinch from touch (which is terrible on so many levels, including for him since he had an abusive family). Tickling is miserable for me, not funny or even tolerable.

It was him. He somehow couldn’t touch me right (literally) but others can.

For fucks sake