i honestly don’t understand why he’s stayed with me for this long or even why he started this with me in the first place, not when he knows very clearly what sort of person i am. i’m wildly idealistic, occasionally to a fault, and i clearly don’t drink responsibly or to have fun. i have very marked self-destructive tendencies and behaviors, and i’m basically burning out so aggressively and so quickly that i can feel all the effort and hard-won results from years of working my ass off and my mental health to pieces collapsing around me.
i know part of it is just that i need to get up again and start working again and consciously make good choices. i know he would support me in that. i know i’m all talk 80% of the time. i know where all my faults are and i’m furious at myself about them, but the majority of the time, i’m so tired that i don’t move anyway. i don't want to keep moving anymore.
i’m sure he’s still here because we have an expiration date. i think that’s part of why i’m still here too. (to be fair, i have no fucking clue why my friends have stuck with me for this long either. well, i guess some of them bailed out on my ass, but that’s neither here nor there anymore.) i can get away with pulling away from all my friends and family and taking my self-resentment and anger away from them, and i can get away with talking about absolutely none of it with him. and it works because we don't have to address any of our real problems, the individual issues we have and the issues we have with each other and the issues we have as a couple, not when we know that we’re not going to have a future. the concept of ‘us’ stays in this neat little time frame where we can be cute and happy and lead this sweet domestic life that doesn't have any sort of longevity. i’m carving out a space and place in time where i can pretend everything is fine.
i need to start moving again though. i need to pick up where i left off - i don’t even know where i stopped or when i stopped or how i stopped. there aren’t any neat breaks in time where i can go back and begin reparations. things came together while other things fell apart - there’s always this terrible sense of cancellations occurring, and i can barely make out a net trajectory in my confusion of emotions and anxieties. i want to try again though. i want to wake up again and i want to do the right things again and i want to rationalize my way out of this sense of paralyzing shame and craving for self-mutilation. i don’t understand why i make it out to be so difficult to be good to myself and do good things.
the point is, though, i know where my hang-ups are and i know that i am doing a lot of this out of fear. that is silly. i can be a brave person. i have known myself to do things that scare me. i can still get up and face the things that terrify me now. there is still so much time to make things better. perhaps not so much in a career trajectory - i recognize that if i can’t get my shit together in time, i can lose out pretty terribly there - but in the line of my life, i just want to be able to live with myself and live in reality and live with my friends and family again and live a life without this pervasive sense of fury and shame.
it is time for me to move again. this has been the recognition and acceptance of my ridiculous doubts and uncertainties, and now i do not need to dwell on them anymore. i can simply do other things - the things that i know are good and worthwhile.
