#returnful

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Chronic loneliness

Shadow by The Hellp

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Black velvet

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This response on Quora

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I think I’m a sucker for characters or things that were hurt and left unhealed for a long time until someone takes it upon themselves to make up for as much of that lost time as possible. Maybe it means nothing.

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Man the double edged sword of: “I’m going to ask people I care about to reach out because I love when they do” with “Uh oh, this means they’re investing more time and energy into interacting with me, and my performance better be worth it. I’m not a guaranteed hit and, while I try to be the best of myself, sometimes I’ll fail and I’ve wasted someone’s time.”

I’ve noticed that the more isolated I am with no immediate access to company, the more secure I feel. I stop worrying so much about doing something annoying or strange because it’s less likely to happen. If I have an outlet for social closeness, I feel my soul crunch in on me as I resist yet often slip repetition, awkwardness, and placeless confidence through a keyhole clearly meant to accompanied by many others. It’s a poisonous feeling recognizing you’ve made someone your only friend. Especially knowing I’m not an easy person to accommodate.

A history of loneliness and chronic pain are the weights my company put on an interaction. I try to compensate to hide their presence, but sometimes my strength fails. If connection is out of reach, it means I don’t have to test my stamina. I can be in pain without a captive, weary, repeat audience. It’s a relief to me to not subject anyone to myself. Which is why it’s nice when I don’t have a chance.

If I have an easy, accessible chance to personally connect, I seem to reach for it even if I’ve done so recently. I do think I’m better off alone. But specifically, I think I’ll be best when I learn how to limit my presence anywhere. I’ve made good progress. Just need more work.

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Damnnn there’s this little restaurant near my home and every time I pass it I feel bad. I went there once to support the business/out of curiosity but I was in the thick of coming to terms with my diet limitations and I was faintly hoping I could enjoy something there. I don’t even remember if I got anything. I asked what turned out to be the owner about menu items and gradually realized I couldn’t eat anything. I think my sad eyes were super visible, I walked defeated and disoriented to a chair in the back trying not to cry or be seen by anyone. Sooo embarrassing