#rhiyan

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Hi

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2. Oh the Horror!

The model bus pulls up to a dilapidated mansion, which serves as the site of the photo shoot. Drew explains that Lady Gaga on American Horror Story has bridged the gap between horror and fashion. He really should give credit where credit is due, though: ANTM did it first when they thought Kelly Cutrone would make a good judge.

Drew says that the brief is for the models to act a combination of scared and fierce. Given this show’s love of invented portmanteau, you’d think at least one of the judges would jump on “FEARCE” but that never transpires. I realize that’s one you have to see rather than hear, but if ANTM is going to keep springing for graphics to spell out #NextLevelFierce and COURA-GE, they could do that here, too.

Drew introduces the freaky celebrity costume designer B. Akerlund to dress the girls and boy is she a sight for sore eyes. I mean that literally, what’s with her eyes?

B. greets the models in such a weird way that I’m going to transcribe it as spoken word poetry:

“hi models welcome to my world of horror today’s about torture and pain none of my looks are comfortable so enjoy the nightmare”

Forget costumes, get this woman a job writing next cycle’s acting script!

She’s right, the wardrobe looks terrible to wear. Drew stresses that it’s not a shoot for complainers - thank Satan that Courtney isn’t here! Christina gets locked in her own personal head prison, Jeana just visited the world’s worst acupuncturist and Rio…

Easily has the worst photo, right? The judges give it a pass because they consider it “comedy.” No doubt I laughed at it, but what the hell is that face?

Sorry, Liz, it sure looks like Rio got that prop.

On the real, Khrystyana’s hair isn’t the only thing with 50 shades of gray because there is an element of S&M to this shoot. There’s that paddle that Drew says he’s going to keep for himself (eww) and that B. says is from her own closet (double eww.) I’m not here to kink shame, but maybe let the models pose with something new rather than making them handle your used sex toy.

Speaking of sex toys, was Liz getting fit for a ball gag? Anything to make her shut up, I suppose.

I’m 100% certain that the show is taking a jab at Sandra’s chastity by positioning a skull on her crotch.

If you also buy into the symbolism, do you suppose this clip is foreshadowing?

Is Sandra finally going to lose “it”? Will her deceased poonani finally get smashed open before the cycle’s over?

I’m telling you, if Sandra has any taste whatsoever, she’ll save herself for Stacey McKenzie.

Once again the judges hate Sandra’s photo saying she looks like Lady Gaga in that the wig is wearing her rather than she’s wearing the wig. (Oh the shade on Lady Gaga!) Liberty, on the other hand, gets complimented for her wig-wearing ability.

In the spirit of this frightening shoot, I’m going to admit something that I’m most afraid to say aloud: I think Liberty’s the best model in the house at this point. This shot deserved another first call out. Welcome to Trump’s America, y’all - it’s a red state takeover!

While I’m paying compliments, I might as well say that I loved Brendi’s makeup and wardrobe and think her makeover should permanently be Harley Quinn.

And I don’t care if it barely fits the brief, Kyla just sitting and staring is STUNNING.

Congrats to Kyla on being the only pregnant model in the competition to keep her baby. She told us she is an activist, but I wouldn’t have guessed that meant pro-life.

At one point during the shoot, B. Akerlund says of Rhiyan:

If that’s supposed to be a criticism, it really shouldn’t be. Has she seen what she looks like? You’d think dead would be B’s aesthetic of choice.

I also want to highlight her complaint about Coura:

GLASS HOUSES, B. Akerlund!

5 Funniest Moments of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 24 Ep. 4

[antmfunny]

4. Skateboring 

The ladies get their first piece of Tyra Mail, which includes the words “chill” and “glide.” Rio is afraid they’re about to go hang gliding. Brendi K [the K stands for Klairvoyant] expects they’ll be ice skating… even though it’s summertime in Los Angeles.

We don’t get to hear Rhiyan’s prediction, which is a shame because later in the episode we learn she thinks she’s really good at it! She can’t figure out the Tyra Mail’s “glow” clue but insists she usually knows, at which point Kyla calls out, “You usually know? It’s the second one.”

Oh, Kyla. That’s the kind of call-a-bitch-out I can respect. Too bad she got yada yada yadaed throughout the rest of the episode.

The models arrive at the challenge, where STACEY MOTHERFUCKING MCKENZIE is waiting. I’m so pleased she’s back. Not only is she fun, but damn, she really can still serve some catwalk.

Erin says the competition’s got nothing on her walk, even though Stacey’s critique does not reflect that. The real standout is Jeana, who genuinely impresses me, which is saying something because I could give a crap about modeling.

The worst walk is definitely Liz, who sways her body back and forth as she stomps with an unsexy pout. Stacey calls her a “hot wreck” in need of a lot of work. Remember last episode when the real judges were living for Liz’s messy stumble? Thank goodness we finally have someone professional enough to assess her honestly.

Stacey also gives special attention to Ivana, who lacks confidence in her walk. Whilst boosting her up, Stacey dubs Ivana “Black Marilyn.” Do we really need an African American Marilyn Manson, though? (Don’t @ me with corrections, I’m kidding.)  

Then it’s on to the real challenge - the ladies will be walking in Baja East clothing around a skate park with a bunch of sk8r bois pulling tricks around them. Stacey said the skateboarders were the “hottest” in Venice, but I think I speak for everyone when I say - why couldn’t they have recruited amateurs?

Anytime I visit that beach, I see a bunch of teenagers eating shit after trying to show off and it makes for much more compelling viewing than this show. If only we could have some skaters that’d miss their tricks or accidentally collide with the models, now that’d be entertainment!

Instead we have to settle for the supposed “drama” of two girls missing their marks. Black Marilyn Manson forgets to walk to the edge and pose (Harvard will be so disappointed) and Brendi K [the K stands for Klutz] takes a giant step rather than walking back down a ramp more safely.

You know the show was desperate for a real fall because they show this clip three times as if taking a max two-foot leap were some shock. This is Venice Beach, where people on drugs roam around naked. Let’s keep some perspective.  

Before Khrystyana takes her turn, the designers tell her not to walk with her hand on her hip, and Law Roach stresses she shouldn’t walk that way ever. Khrystyana then walks with a hand in her pocket, which essentially looks like her hand is on her hip, and then ends her walk with a big pose:

A hand on each hip! She doesn’t listen and no one cares because they give her the win anyway. But good for her because I like her.  

5 Funniest Moments of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 24 Ep. 2

[yourfavegrl]

I love my faux locs 

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