#roach chats

[sucharide]

girl has to go to work. 900 injured 10,000 dead.

[sucharide]

Rambles under the cut

Potentially triggering food related talk in here! I am fine, I am safe, I am just . needing to scream at the void.

.

.

.

.

.

think it might be a bedtime at 8:30-9pm kinda night.

Food has been weird again and eating has been.. . well . not for me! it's sort of the gutrot feeling playing up, sort of body issues, sort of just a need to fast and brutally clear my head? it did help, to be honest. Is helping. There's just such a thing as balance that I struggle with greatly. I have eaten a little bit, though, so let's not get all worried and silly over it! I am just .. very tired.

Self esteem is hard, and the way food has gotten so tied up in it is hideous. Anyway. I'm fine. It's just. .. god, sure do wish I could be normal about food and my body. Unfortunately, we Live In A Society.

Also, I have a bunch of fics to catch up on that I am excited about!!! I just have not been in the mental space for reading, and my brain feels all shriveled and tired tonight! But I am so looking forward to finding some peace and sitting down for a read of everyone's gorgeous works!!!!

Anyway!!!! Just a voidscream. Night night.

[sucharide]

anyway

triggering content here - negative self-talk and food issues discussed in a way that could be quite triggering to someone with an eating disorder. each paragraph is written after some time has passed so that is why it seems disjointed.

.

perpetually in awe that i have the audacity to have the attachment issues that are literally so unfounded!!! like , insane of me! toxic of me, in fact! anyway having mean thoughts !

oh - few hours later - just going to add to this because i do not want to be on the dash with my self loathing! but golly gosh. feeling weird about food again. just like ! not feeling good about it as a thing for what it does and what it is ! i should steer clear of it!

i have so many words and feelings inside of me but i feel completely . choked . anyway . .. there are some uncomfortable feelings that need to be felt and I would simply rather not !

[sucharide]

day 2 of being hungover from new years . i made choices™

[sucharide]

anyway . I achieved nothing today . goodnight

[sucharide]

Just a little ramble about my New Year's Eve tradition. 🖤

My letter to 2023 NYE done and dusted! God I had a lot to write this year. A lot of change within myself has been happening and I have a lot I hope that 2023 Roach can reflect on fondly!!

It was so nice to put into words how I'm feeling, where I am in my life right now, what I am hopeful for going forward, the kind of person I am right now, and the things I have been learning about myself and working on in myself. It's very much not about goals. It's essentially a love letter to the person I am now, and who I hope to be, and the things that excite me right now.

Idk. This is the only holiday I care about in the year, to be honest. It fills me with such hope and excitement. There's true revelry in the air, and I love it!

[sucharide]

btw . i hate my job . if you even care.

[sucharide]

anyway I'm feeling embarrassingly miserable today and I might clog up the dash with it ? idk. or!!! maybe I'll just edit this post . the feelings have to go somewhere and I am . tearful today

I just -- there's something about being at my parents place. It's less about being around them, or being in the house... it's more being back on this property, the view of the mountain, the sound of the birds. It's finding a childhood teddy named Flynn and holding him tight and remembering how sad I so often was, for no discernable reason. It's being off my medication and being here, back home, and remembering the fire, and a dog who's no longer here. It's looking in the mirror and seeing a sad little girl in the body of an adult who won't stop getting older. It's seeing five shooting stars in one night when I was 16 and camped out on a hill and wishing for things that 10 years later still utterly elude me.

Home is good but it is wrapped up in so many feelings that I know I need to figure out but just leave me feeling overwhelmed. It's nostalgia, but it's a deep loneliness.