I have often asked myself what love is, what is its meaning?
I have had several relationships, I have lived many things, I have experienced several things
What does it feel like to be loved?
What does it feel like to be loved, what does it feel like to love, what is love really?
Is it sweet? Is it toxic? Is it bitter? Is it bittersweet? Is it nostalgic? Sad? Salty?
Does it burn? Does it hurt? Does it sting? Does it make you bleed? Does it make you doubt? Does it make you happy? Does it poison you? Is it obsession? Is it cannibalism?
I've been abused, I've been loved, wanted, broken, bitten, I've experienced so many types of love that sometimes I don't know what it is
Love is giving up your body? Every fiber of your being? Giving up your thoughts, feelings, tastes and personality?
Is it painful? Being deceived, being used only for their own loneliness, being preferred to someone else instead of you? Being harassed by the other person and when you expose them, you are the one judged? You are the one to blame?
Is love being abused? Poisoned beyond belief? Giving away every piece of your skin for a measly pinch? Is it giving away your body and soul?
Is love manipulative? They want you but lie to you, they blame you and play the victim, they seek all your love but don't want to give you theirs, is keeping their feelings to themselves and prefer to die before talk about it with you?
Or maybe it's sweet, gentle, calming, that they are patient and understand you, that they wipe your tears at every moment and are there for you when you need them most?
What is love, what is loving?
What is...
I want to be loved, I want to be able to love, I've given my love so many times that I feel lost, no, I don't need some time to myself, I don't want it, I don't need it
I've always been indifferent to how they love me, they could use me as a sex toy, they could eat every part and thought of me, they could use me to cure they loneliness, they could hold me and love me sincerely
I have given my love so many times, so many "you are the one to blame", so many things, so many abuses, so many beautiful moments
They depend on me as I depend on them
Because I hate being alone, because I hate not being loved, because I envy people who have a nice romance, because I am envious
I miss them, all of them
But they will never come back, they will leave me with my heart bleeding in my hand while I watch them move further and further away from me, is that love?
I once said, "love is letting go of the other person even if it hurts, so they can shine."
Now that I think about it, yes, in part it is true, but I regret having said it to that special person
My boy, the only one who truly love me
It's not love that I feel for them, it's obsession, because I know that I will never be able to be loved like he loved me, I will never be able to have something as beautiful as what we had
I will always come back to him
All the things I have done were for love, every photo, every poem, every song, every letter, every gift, were made with my heart, a heart that only bleeds
I like to write, writing about a character x you makes me feel good, it reminds me that there are many loves yet to explore
But when I read I wonder, why can't I be loved like this? Why do I have to wait? Why can't I have something like this?
Reading makes me sad, because I know that those characters will never be real, they would not act like that with me, they would not even look me in the eyes
I want love, I want a partner, I want to dedicate every part of myself and be accepted, I wish I was loved, no, I WANT to be loved
And it's a cycle I'll never be able to escape from
Love
...
Oh, to be loved...