#roxsean

[doyelikehaggis]

25 Days of Sleighpairs: Sean Slater & Amy Mitchell [+Roxy Mitchell] (EastEnders) + “Memories”

Sean did his best to tough it out the next day; he played the part of the fun uncle, taking the little ones to the park, and he made his mum and Harvey cups of tea, letting Stacey take a moment to put her feet up. But as the hours dragged on, his nerves frayed more and more, and if he didn't get out now, he was going to be set alight. He couldn't stay. His mum's face had fallen when he announced he was leaving early. She put on a show of being okay with it then quickly departed upstairs. 

'She'll be okay,' Stacey told him. Then, to his surprise, she added, 'If it helps, I get it.' She smiled sadly and shook her head. 'This place... it's my home, but I know that it brings back bad memories. It's hard, even for me, walking down the street sometimes. Walking past the Vic. I get it, Sean.'

He took a breath, winded. He didn't know if he was relieved; at least if she put up a fight, called him a selfish bastard, he could storm out and tell himself it was for the best that he left. It would make saying goodbye a hell of a lot easier.

He pulled her into a hug, partially to stop her from seeing him cry. He sniffed, fighting the tears back, and he pressed as kiss into her hair. 

'I love you,' he said roughly. 'Tell Mum the same for me, yeah?'

'She knows,' Stacey said. 'But I will.' 

He gave her another squeezed, his eyes closing for a moment as he savoured the contact, knowing it might be the last time for a while. If this was how he felt after less tha twenty-four hours in this place, he wasn't sure he could stomach it again. 

She seemed to know that, too, as she had tears in her eyes when they pulled apart. She gave him a nod, though, silently saying, it's okay.

He cleared his throat, nodded back, then took his leave. If he delayed any longer, he wasn't sure he would be able to go at all, but he knew he had to. He pulled his bag up onto his shoulder, turned on his heel and walked out of the house. He didn't dare look back. He kept his eyes on his car unti he was in it, then he was on the road, driving out of the square. One more stop. One more goodbye. Then he was gone.

A few other people were in the graveyard this time, but no one paid him any mind. They were in their own world. He made his way to his.

As he approached Roxy and Ronnie's grave, he slowed to a stop. There was already someone sitting by it. For a maddening moment, he thought, not for the first time, that he had finally snapped and was being faced with proof of his breaking point. Seeing ghosts had to be the last sign of a breakdown. 

Except, she was real. He could hear her voice but not what she was saying. He found himself moving closer, like he was floating outside of his own body. He had become the ghost, a haunting reminder for the young girl sitting cross-legged on the grave. He stopped again.

He should go. It was wrong of him to invade on this personal moment. He had said his goodbyes already.

But as he went to turn on his heel and flee, he was caught. Amy turned her head, seeming to sense the prescence of another person. Her face lashed with alarm. She eyed him warily, her hand on her necklace.

'Oh,' she said flatly. 'It's you.'

'Sorry,' he said falteringly, and he shook his head. 'I shouldn't have... I'm leaving. I just...'

She raised her eyebrows expectantly as he trailed off.

'I just wanted to say goodbye,' he finished quietly. 

Amy pressed her lips tighter together. She turned away from him. Taking it as his cue to go, he took a step back.

'I asked my dad about you.'

He froze. 'You did?'

'Yep. I had to make him tell me who you were. He didn't seem to want me to know.'

Sean nodded, forgetting she couldn't see him. 'Yeah, that makes sense, I guess.'

'I guess.' She turned to look at him, her glare ice cold. 'I mean, why would I want to know anything about the man who walked out on me and my mum when I was a baby?'

Caught off guard by her accusatory tone, he chuckled humourlessly. 'That's not exactly how it went down.' She raised her eyebrows again, expectant again, but he just shook his head. Again. 'Trust me, it was better that I left, kid.'

'Don't call me that,' she snapped, and he laughed. 

'Sorry,' he said quickly, trying to sound like he meant it. 'It's just... you sounded just like her. Your mum.'

Something happened, he triggered something, hit a switch – her face fell, and the rage went tumbling to the ground. She stared up at him with those big eyes, her mouth still set like she was biting her tongue. Like she wanted to say something but didn't want to admit it.

'Look...' he hesitated, avoiding calling her "kid" again. 'Amy. You don't want to listen to my excuses, and I don't want to make them anymore. Just... just know that I'm sorry. But your mum was better off without me. You both were.'

The anger returned in a wave, crashing down on her and filling her eyes. 'I thought you didn't want to make excuses.'

'That's fair. It's not an excuse, though, it's the truth. You've got a good life with your dad.'

She scoffed again and looked away, turning back to stare at the grave. She was so quiet he almost didn't hear her.

'You have no idea what my life is like.'

'You're right,' he said softly. 'I'm sorry.'

'Are you? You're probably grateful.'

Sean frowned. 'Why would you say that?' 

'You got a lucky escape,' she said bitterly. 'You got to leave. You got to say goodbye to my mum on your own terms. And you weren't saddled with a kid that you didn't even want when she died. You can't deny that you're at least a little bit relieved to have dodged that bullet.'

'You have no idea how wrong you are.'

She turned to look up at him again and he saw the tears rolling down her cheeks. Her features contorted, twisted with an indescribable sadness that he knew all too well. He couldn't help but want to comfort her, but he knew he shouldn't. He couldn't. So, he stayed where he was, watching her cry. Roxy would hate him for that. 

'Why didn't you come back for her?' she asked in a broken voice. 'She needed you. Dad told me she loved you and she never stopped, and he said you loved her just as much. So, why didn't you come back?'

What was he supposed to say to that? He promised not to give her any excuses, but that was all he had. 

'Was it because of me?' 

His heart shattered. He shook his head, given a swift boot back into his body, and he moved closer. He stopped short of her, still held back by the knowledge that she wasn't his to comfort. He couldn't hold her, just like he couldn't in the hospital. He couldn't promsie that it was all going to be okay. 

'No,' he breathed out fiercely. 'No, of course it wasn't.'

She shook her head, her face screwing up as she turned away again and buried it in her arms. She didn't believe him. 

'It was me,' he said, taking another step closer. He dropped beside the grave, in her line of sight, and he heaved a sigh. 'That's not an excuse. I had problems, Amy. In my head. I wasn't... in a good place when I left. But it wasn't your fault, and it wasn't your mum's, either. I needed help. And... yeah, it was cowardly of me to just up and leave because I wasn't strong enough to deal with it all.'

Amy lifted her head. She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her hoodie poking out beneath her puffy jacket. She didn't say anything, but she fixed those big eyes on him. Still expecting more from him. He knew he owed her more, but he didn't even know where to start. He looked just beyond her, keeping her in his periphery. 

'I regret it every day,' he confessed. 

'Really?' Her voice was small. She was tiny, just like Roxy always was when she was really, truly upset. 'I thought you said you needed help.'

He sighed again. 'I did. So, I guess I'm glad I left to get it. But that doesn't mean I don't wish I had stayed. I had it good for a minute there. Me, Roxy... you.' He glanced at her but he closed his eyes and pressed his fingers into them, shaking his had as he inhaled sharply. 'I needed to go, but I wanted to stay.'

He sniffed again and blinked the tears away, dropping his hand. 

'So, you really did love her?' Amy asked softly. 

He smiled sadly. 'Your mum was the best thing to ever happen to me. I, er, I tried the whole marriage thing again, but it just... it didn't work. It felt like I was betraying her. She's always here, see. In my head. Talking to me. Sometimes, I think I can hear her laughing.'

Amy cracked a smile for the first time. 'Me too.'

'Yeah? It's funny, even from the beyond the grave, she still manages to tell me when I'm being an idiot,' he said, grinning as he leaned his head against the gravestone. He bit his cheek. 'Like today. I could hear her shouting at me for the way I was with you earlier. Sorry about that, by the way. I was, er...'

'Having a panic attack?' Amy guessed, but there was no judgement. She nodded. 'I have them, too.'

Guilt weighed heavy on his chest worse than any panic attack. 'You do?'

'Yeah.' She took a deep breath, staring at the gravestone. Her arms tightened around her knees. 'I've had them for a while. Since...' She swallowed the words. 'It was its worst about this time two years ago.'

'What happened?' he asked gently, then shook his head. 'Sorry. You don't have to tell me.'

'I had to go to hospital,' she said tightly, glancing at him as if nervous for his reaction. He realized she was expecting him to judge her. 'But I've been seeing a counsellor. It's been... more manageable. She told me it would help to talk about how I'm feeling, and about my mum. It's just... difficult. With Dad.'

The pressure on his chest worsened, but he tried not to show it. Still, she glanced at him like she knew as soon as she said it what the word would do to him. She pressed her lips together in something almost apologetic.

'There's a lot going on in my house, is all,' she finished. 

'I get that,' he said and raised his eyebrows. 'I'm a Slater, after all.'

Her smile returned. 'Hey, that's my neice's family you're talking about.'

He shook his head at that and laughed. 'I still can't wrap my head around any of that. I'm a great-uncle and I'm barely in my forties.'

'To be fair, you look older.'

He gaped at her, and she started laughing. It was infectious. 'Alright. Thanks for that.'

Their laughter eventually faded, and they just sat there for a while in silence. For a moment, they weren't alone. Roxy was beaming, tears in her eyes as she watched them. She sat with them, a hand resting on one of theirs each. It was Christmas, and they were all there, together, content. 

Finally, Amy broke the silence as she reached toward the grave, saying, 'What's this?'

Sean caught a glimpse of the necklace. 'Oh, I put it there. My crappy attempt at a present. Roxy always said I wasn't very good with them.'

Amy held it up, observing it. She smiled as she thumbed the little love heart pendant delicately, like it was made of diamonds rather than cheap stones. 'Mum would've loved it.' 

'You think?' he asked. 'I was going to leave this...'

He pulled the little black box out his pocket, turning it over in his hand. 

'But... well, I couldn't part with it.' At Amy's questioning expression, he let her take the box, setting the necklace aside, and watched her open it up to take a peek at the ring inside. 'It was your mum's. From our wedding. I always told myself that I was holding onto it until the day I could put it back on her finger. I haven't taken mine off since I found out. Don't plan to, either.'

Amy was crying again, and he knew he was the worst person alive. Talking to a young girl about her dead mum, and so close to Christmas. He never should have come back to Walford, all he did was cause more pain, more misery and grief. 

'It's beautiful,' she said, hastily wiping her eyes again. 'Sorry.'

'It's fine,' he said. And then, without thinking, 'You can keep it, if you want.'

Amy's eyes got all big again as she turned them on him in shock. Her hand had gone to the chain around her neck. 'What? No, I... I can't.'

'Technically, you have more of a right to have it than I do,' he pointed out. 'It belonged to your mum. It's yours.'

'But... don't you want to keep it?' she asked, toying with her necklace. 'It's all you have of her.'

He shook his head and smiled, and he realized before he even said it that it was the truth. 'It's not.'

She looked back down at the ring. His heart clenched at the thought of never seeing it again, but as Amy took it out of the box, he knew there wasn't a better gift he could have given her. She had another little piece of her mum, and he could sleep soundly knowing it was in safe hands. 

'Right,' he forced himself to say, putting on an extra cheery exterior, 'I should be going. Don't want to hit traffic.'

Her head snapped up. 'Wait. Are you really leaving?'

'Yeah.' He inhaled deeply. 'Me and this place – we don't mix well.'

He rose to his feet and gave her one last smile, trying not to let the warning voice in his head deter him. He had to go. 

'Have a good Christmas, kid,' he said softly. 'I know you'll look after Lily and Charli.'

He started to walk away. His hand was grabbed, stopping him in his tracks – and then Amy was hugging him. She wrapped her arms tight around him. It winded him. He just stood there like a heartless statue. The voice in his head was getting louder. Telling him to moe. 

'Move, Sean. Sean, You better hug our daughter back right now or I swear to god.'

Amy pulled back before he could snap out of it. She smiled up at him.

'Have a good Christmas,' she told him, and then her glassy eyes widened again as she hopefully added, 'Do you think you'll come back?'

The answer came to without him even having to think about it, and once he had said it, there was no taking it back. 

'Yeah. Of course I will.'

'Good.' She raised her eyebrows and jokingly tilted her head. 'I hear Christmas can be pretty exciting around here. Just saying.'

'I'll keep that in mind.'

She stepped aside to let him leave. As he started up his car, he leaned his head back and took a deep breath to try and clear his head. It made the voice louder, like she was in the passenger seat. He closed his eyes and felt her hand brush over his in the space between them.

'Don't go,' Roxy pleaded softly. 'Please, Sean. Don't make the same mistake twice. Don't go.'

Walford brought back every bad memory he had. But running from them hadn't been working well for him. He was sleepwalking through his life, asleep and completely numb. He couldn't stand it. At least here, he felt something. He felt everything. 

Roxy squeezed his hand, smiling. 'Come on, Sean. Let's go home.'

He opened his eyes and sucked in another deep breath, then sat forward. He drove away from the graveyard and headed back to Albert Square. Back home.