how would you describe how you knew you felt queerplatonic?
Ah it’s a little difficult to explain but I’ll try!! ;w;
It probably started around the time when Sparky and I first met in person. A week or so before we had...not really a fight, but a series of miscommunications; the tl;dr version is that she unintentionally did something that really upset me and I was trying to avoid bringing it up but I was also having a hard time letting it go, and I was further stressed out because we’d been looking forward to meeting in person for a long time and I didn’t want this hanging over our heads. Long story short this ended with us exchanging a series of lengthy messages where she basically told me that I didn’t have to be afraid of letting her know if she did something that bothered me, because good communication was really important to her and she wanted us to be able to work through conflicts together.
That whole experience was really important for me, because it was after that that I began to feel like I could trust her completely, which was a huge step because I’m a very closed-off/reserved person. And then when she came to visit, we just clicked right away and we got really really close after that. We started texting every day and venting to each other about our problems and making plans to see each other again in the future.
The first time I explicitly remember thinking of her in a way that was queerplatonic was at the beginning of July, about a month after the aforementioned series of events. I don’t remember how I got on this train of thought but I remember thinking about how I wanted her to basically be my life partner, how I always wanted to have her be that #1 person there to support me and who I could confide in, and how I wanted to do the same for her, and how great it would be if we could live together someday. But it didn’t feel quite the same as being romantically attracted to her, because I’ve had romantic crushes on people before and this was similar but not quite the same...it’s hard to describe but it was more of a desire for emotional intimacy than like “I can’t stop thinking about kissing you/gosh I am really attracted to you and I want you to be attracted me/your eyes are an ocean your breasts are also an ocean/etc.”
TL;DR Sparky and I got to be really close friends and I realized I wanted the implied closeness + permanence of a romantic relationship with her, but my feelings for her didn’t exactly feel romantic to me.