I'm going to get get married and have children. We're manifesting at the moment. Why shouldn't I get what I want? Why should I be denied the life white picket fence? The promise land of male domestication. Yesterday I was talking to a dear friend about how what I want is often in conflict with who I am. That inner romantic inside me is at odds with my disdain for commitment and enclosure. It's a story as old as our species, right? Man wants woman, woman wants man, man gets woman, honeymoon period, boredom ensues, resentment grows, etc. That's the simple version and when it's boiled down to its fundamental parts, it looks fucking bleak and cruel. I look at my sister's life, she's essentially married with children, and she looks longingly at my life of abandon and freedom, and I look at her life and the stability of it. It's Grass Is Always Greener Syndrome, and essentially we want the the opposite of what we currently have. I'm in a casual situation right now and she loves me, she tells me she loves me, but I'm only able to give my body, and that's okay with her? I suppose she's fine with some of me, if she's resigned to the fact she'll never have the whole. I tell her all of the time that she can pull the cord whenever she wants and cruelly, like the true asshole I am, I fuck her senseless, I nurture her form, until she's a squirming, squealing mess, and tell her good luck finding that elsewhere. In those moments of sweaty and sweet human humidity, right as she's climaxing (I wrote that as climaxxing because the internet has warped my brain - sexmaxxing? Lmao ), all I'm thinking about is other things. You've got to approach the week with a clear head. I think men are burdened with that in a way women aren't. The sheer distraction of sexuality. At least I've found a healthy balance between everything now. The sad part is that casual sex is strangling the romantic in me, it's wearing away the ability to meaningfully connect. It's just like it was back at university and this road only leads to rehab and getting checked in. And to think I was above addiction.