seen from Uruguay
seen from United Kingdom
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seen from Yemen
seen from United States
seen from United States
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dreams just stop
you aren't actually supposed to be very much like real life, for the record
having me scream "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE" into a bunch of white boys' faces is a little too close to reality okay
(at least I didn't punch them all! And this time I had allies! MAYBE MY SUBCONSCIOUS IS GROWING.)
[tw: suicide] just busted thoughts
it keeps fucking echoing in my ears and it won't leave me alone
"change the world"
"you have a responsibility to make things better"
"change the world"
why is every word he says to me a weapon
why would you say that to me after all the hours spent sitting with me, trying to fix what is broken inside my head
what the hell would compel you do that. I am no better than I was a year ago, running into your office bleeding, throwing books against the walls, crying on the bench and unable to stop
I'm a ticking bomb more than a world-changer, more than a human being
someone make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop
You know what the best way to end this day is?
Having a panic attack because a drunk professor is behaving inappropriately towards students, including my sister. She and her roommate left the bar and are home safely, but there are other students there and no no no no no no no no no.
We're working to coordinate a ride to take them from the bar (where he is) to someone's house, maybe. Just. No. No no no. As a professor, there are boundaries you cannot cross because it's fucked up and wrong. Because it puts the student(s) involved in a position they should NEVER be in.
Fuck you, sir. FUCK YOU. This day was going so well for me and right now I'm so angry and wound up and trying to pull myself together in case of ride-giving. This should NEVER happen.
So I made a mix of music for my RPB complex
WOW IT SURE DOESN'T SHOW HOW FUCKED UP AND WARPED MY BRAIN IS ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT. Some of it is like "WHOO YEAH SOLIDARITY DOING GOOD WORK YAY WHOO" and then some of it... is Handlebars.
Under the cut: THE PLAYLIST, IN THE ORDER IT'S CURRENTLY ORGANIZED IN ITUNES (sort of by artist kind of maybe? not at all.) YOU SHOULD ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY THE SONGS ARE ON THERE. BECAUSE REASONS.
[tw: suicide]
Never before has a song hit so intensely right on what it feels like to want to die in the face of failing to do what I could. This is the RPB complex at its most extreme, and those lyrics are literally what I think.
Just. Holy fuck. Ow.
but seriously rpb complex
I have to go to BED
there is literally nothing more I can do to make the world a better place tonight
I have stuff in progress, I'm trying
WHY IS THAT NEVER ENOUGH
and then there come those moments
when you realize the man who gave you the complex that you're never doing enough to make the world better
in fact is perpetually guilty of the same thing you're guilty of: not caring enough about stuff that doesn't directly affect you
this doesn't make me feel any better about myself- actually it makes me feel like i have to pick up his slack too
i wish i could stop hearing his voice in the back of my head. i wish i could stop the guilt cycle and dive right into the do shit and educate yourself and look for shit in your every day life you can change cycle. because right now it's like 'bawwww poor me i'm too privileged to see instances of oppression that don't directly apply to me'. and i hate myself for it.
i should probably just go to bed and stop holding this grudge because it's not a productive use of my feelings. just. fuck everything.
So I have this idea developing
and it's small and dumb and idealistic as fuck right now
But I want to open, like. A center. For allies to learn how to be not shitty.
There could be seminars
the first would be called "Shut the fuck up"
the second would be "Sit the fuck down"
the third one would be called "listen right the fuck now"
And there would probably be a step 3.5 called "no shut the fuck up"
But seriously I want to kind of make this a thing. Not with the seminars with those names, but. There's so much I need to teach people before I leave school--like do teachers know about triggers? How do you handle something like that in a school environment with a set curriculum? I'm realizing there's so much left to do and I only have two months to do it.
Yes I know I can't do everything. Shut up. My complexes are telling me I'm not doing enough.
