WHAT IF: The Season 13 queens competed in Season 3′s challenges
As I raised in my previous post, in retrospect I feel that one of the weakest aspects of season 13 was not simply that the queens were less talented than in the previous year; but more so that the challenges of season 13 - that leaned heavily towards dance and performance - did not suit this cast, and especially not the members of the cast favoured by production, who leaned more towards fashion and acting at the top of their skillset.
So this series is going to put the queens of season 13 through their paces in some other past seasons of the show, with a few modifications to bring up the style of those seasons towards the modern format.
All make sense? Then let’s hit it, below the cut:
Season 3 kicked off with the Gone with the Window design challenge, calling for the queens to make gowns from curtains. All queens entered together with no split premiere. Immediately this nixes the bad blood in the group from the Porkchop twist and will see the queens building more natural rivalries based on location, taste and reputation. As it’s a design challenge with unconventional materials, I see Utica, Gottmik and Denali doing best in this challenge. Kahmora will do well but her timing will drag her down, while Rose is likely to have questionable taste level. Symone and Lala Ri will struggle, but, like season 9, this will be a challenge with winner and highs, but no other placements or elimination. Mik and Utica lipsync for the win to “The Right Stuff” and I see Utica winning.
E1 DESIGN
WIN Utica
TOP2 Mik
HIGH Denali
NO ELIMINATION
The second episode is the Queens in Space acting challenge, which the queens will complete in teams. For ease of prediction, I’ve assumed the teams will take roughly their season 13 splits - logically, Tina, Gottmik and Kandy will have bonded, as well as Symone, Lala and Olivia, making a 6. In the other team, Kahmora and Denali go back a long way, and Rose and Denali would have hit it off. I don’t see Elliott or Utica making a splash with the winners’ circle, while Tamisha will be avoiding Lala and Joey Jay Kandy, so the ex-Porckchops will be the 7 this time. I see Kandy and Symone stealing the show as the two-headed alien and leading their team to the win. Meanwhile in the other team, we know Denali and Kahmora struggled in the first acting challenge, as did Elliott. For drama’s sake, a B2 of friends Denali and Kahmora is guaranteed, and we know how that goes from season 13 - Kahmora sashays away following the performance of “Bad Romance”.
E2 Acting (Space)
WIN Kandy + Symone
HIGH winners team from s13
LOW Elliott
B2 Denali + Kahmora
OUT Kahmora
Episode 3 is the Fitness Video challenge, where the queens have to do a fitness routine with comedy elements. Knowing Ru’s sense of humour, there’s no doubt in my mind that Kandy Muse wins this challenge. Highs will go to Rose and Denali for energetic routines. I see Tamisha and Gottmik struggling most in this challenge and lipsyncing in the B2, and I see production keeping Gottmik. The lipsync song this time is “Don’t Leave Me This Way” and the drama of Kandy winning and her best friend being in the B2 would be irresistible.
E3 Fitness
WIN Kandy
HIGH Denali + Rose
B2 Mik + Tamisha
OUT Tamisha
Episode 4 is the News Show acting-improv challenge. I think Olivia Lux has the right kind of bright, bubbly character to excel at and win this challenge, while Rose and Symone would also be funny. From past performance, Elliott, Utica and Lala Ri would struggle with this challenge, and Joey Jay would have been flagging for several episodes now. I see a Lala and Joey B2 with Lala eviscerating Joey to “Meet Me in the Ladies Room”.
E4 News Show
WIN Olivia
HIGH Symone + Rose
B2 Joey + Lala
OUT Joey
Snatch Game goes pretty much as it did in OG S13, with Mik winning and Utica knocking out Elliott in the B2, while Denali and Rose place High.
E5 Snatch Game
WIN Mik
HIGH Denali + Rose
B2 Utica
OUT Elliott
Episode 6 is the cake-and-clothes design challenge. Once again I see Utica winning this challenge with something incredibly creative, while Olivia, Mik and Denali place High. Symone and Lala will fall apart this challenge and be the bottom 2. The lipsync - “Knock on Wood” would be legendary, but I don’t see the show saving Lala over Symone and so she sashays away in 9th place.
E6 Cake design
WIN Utica
HIGH Olivia, Mik + Denali
LOW Tina
B2 Symone + Lala
OUT Lala
Episode 7 is the Standup challenge. I think Rose wins this one to save Kandy having three wins by midseason. Kandy and Mik will place High. The bottom two will be Utica and Olivia who both originally fell apart in this challenge. Symone will do badly too but having just saved her they will want to avoid her placing B2 again straight away. This lipsync is “MacArthur Park” and I see Ru calling this the double shantay of the season.
E7 Standup
WIN Rose
HIGH Kandy + Gottmik
B2 Olivia + Utica
DOUBLE SHANTAY
Episode 8 is the Patriotic Message episode. I see Symone acing this challenge and grabbing her second win, especially after two episodes of placing in the B3. In season 3 this episode had four highs and four lows which I will maintain here, with Olivia, Kandy and Denali placing High and Rose, Gottmik, Tina and Utica being the bottom 4. I see Utica and Tina doing the worst. This time, Tina eliminates Utica in the B2 as it is now her third B2 and Tina’s first.
E8 Patriotism
WIN Symone
HIGH Denali, Olivia + Kandy
LOW Rose + Gottmik
B2 Tina + Utica
OUT Utica
Episode 9 is the Singing Performance challenge. Rose is a shoe-in to win this while singers Tina, Kandy and Olivia will place High. I see Symone placing Low and Denali and Gottmik - who I don’t think are singers, correct me if I’m wrong - falling into the B2. Symone could also B2 if Denali can sing. In either case, Gottmik is eliminated here in her second LSFYL.
E9 Singing performance
WIN Rose
HIGH Kandy, Olivia + Tina
LOW Symone
B2 Denali + Gottmik
OUT Gottmik
Episode 10 is the season’s first Ball, the Hair Ball. As this is a modern Drag Race season now, only the last look will be constructed by the queens in the werkroom. I see Denali doing well here and placing High, along with Olivia and Symone who will showcase their natural hair and cultural pride. Symone might also throw in some Ru references with her looks. I see Olivia Lux gaining her second win here. The bottom 3 will be Rose - who I think might have questionable taste level at this stage of the competition, Kandy and Tina. Kandy and Tina lipsync to “Even Angels” and Tina is now eliminated.
E10 Hair Ball
WIN Olivia
HIGH Denali + Symone
LOW Rose
B2 Kandy + Tina
OUT Tina
Episode 11 is the makeover. In season 3, the queens made over straight jock guys into drag sisters. I see Symone winning this challenge, as she did in the original season 13. Kandy Muse and Denali are High - Denali I see being able to bond with her jock. She also may place High by default because she won’t do as badly as Olivia and Rose who are a clear B2. We know how this lipsync goes, and Olivia eliminates Rose in 5th place.
E11 Makeover
WIN Symone
HIGH Kandy + Denali
B2 Olivia + Rose
OUT Rose
Episode 12 is the Money Ball, this season’s top 4 episode. Denali and Olivia are the best designers remaining, and I see Denali finally getting this win in the final episode with more interesting silhouettes than the other girls. Ru announces a three-way lipsync between the other queens, but then announces them all Safe proceeding to the Final. (Despite Symone probably doing atrociously in the design challenge!)
E12 Money Ball
WIN Denali
All others lipsync and all 4 pronounced SAFE
Finally we have the finale episode with these track records:
Assuming a lipsync for the crown format, I see Symone beating either Kandy or Olivia in round 1, and Denali beating the other. Then, in the top 2 lipsync, a song will be chosen in which Symone can beat Denali - probably a power ballad the likes of Shackles, which originally knocked her out in season 13. Symone with the most wins and least B2s also has the best track record.
However, this season shows the queens’ strengths much better. Symone is much less dominant, with only three wins and two Highs, tempered by a B2 and two Lows. Denali has two B2s but also a record 7 Highs. Olivia makes it into top 4 with a much better track record of four Highs accompanying her two wins. And Kandy has two wins along with four Highs and only one B2 placement. Utica also netted two wins before being eliminated, while Gottmik was able to win a lipsync and demonstrate versatility. I think that this season might have been a better storyline, too! ~Roman
Tbh I miss drag race from like season 6 and earlier where almost no one was polished and they were all doing their makeup by barn light before going on TV. Like it felt like they were breaking all the rules. But Nina Bonina Brown and Chichi Devayne felt like the last of a dying breed of pre season 7 ru girls who clawed their way into the heterosexual world of reality television now their all beautiful and rich and I hate it. I came to drag race because I wanted to watch queers with talent in spades but not a tablespoon of means get platformed, learn and grow on the show, be mean to eachother but come out of it as a family, and just show us what they can do with a bag of seran wrap. But it feels like I'm watching a gayer version of America's next top model. I want gays who have no idea what the fuck their doing showing off their RAW talent. But ever since Violet won season 7 with her little waist and lengerie watching drag race has been like watching a more talented Ms. America. I just want to go back to the times when Sharron did Michelle Vassage durring the snatch games, Willam puked on stage, Cameron and Raja did a soft core porn during the lip sync, Jinx monsoon got accused of wearing a prosthetic because her nose contour was so wide, and Coco Montrease used Doritos to highlight. I don't want to live in this hyper capitalist butt glue era of drag race. I'm tired and I want the Charisma Uniqueness Nerve and Talent of the old show back. I can't even watch it anymore.
