August 6, 1922 The Captain and the Kids by Rudolph Dirks
TOP PANEL [ID: Der Inspector waits beside a stage door with a bouquet of flowers for an actress inside. Around the corner behind him, the Kids push a billy goat in drag towards him. /end]
MAIN COMIC [ID: Der Inspector struts happily across the house, puffing on a cigar. Mamma gestures towards him with a thumb as der Captain pulls a cap and cane off of a rack and out of a holder. /end] Inspector: Ta-ta, Mamma, don't forget to put der extra spinach in der soup! Mamma: Hurry mit der shavings, Captain, der Inspector got company for supper! Captain: Chass? I vunder if iss it der liddle lady from der barber shop, Inspector?
[ID: Der Inspector walks outside to his car and finds the Kids' billy goats merrily eating the roof of his convertible coupe. /end] Goat: Slup-slup! M-ah! Inspector: Hey?
[ID: Der Inspector takes the wheel and speeds the car in reverse to slam the goats against the trunk of a tree. The Kids watch from a window in the house. /end] Inspector: Take dot, you low-downers! Und remember, a vun man top ain't made for goats!
[ID: The goats charge the other way, pushing der Inspector's car into the side of the house. He breaks off the steering wheel in the crash. /end] Inspector: OOH!
[ID: The goats climb into the car as der Inspector frantically flees. Hans helps up one of the goats with an automotive jack. /end] Inspector: Dunder und Blitzen! Dey're caming after!! Hans: Giff a goat a boost, darling, und he alvays returns der favor!
[ID: The goats head-butt der Inspector down the road as the man clings onto a small rolling cart. The Kids run happily after them. /end] Inspector: Hey! Ow... dod gast...!! Hans: Vot did I said about der favor, luff? Fritz: Dere's nix in talking, I got to hand you der medal, luff!
[ID: Der Inspector speeds down a hill towards a parked horse-drawn water wagon, its driver sitting lazily atop it under a parasol. The goats chase der Inspector down the hill, the Kids following quickly behind. /end] Wagon Driver: Ah me, better days have I saw, I have!! Inspector: Himmel! Stop it, stop it!!
[ID: Der Inspector slams face-first into a cylindrical metal sprinkler on the back of the tanker. The goats skid to a stop, watching with shock. The wagon driver turns around, startled. The Kids laugh at him, further up the road. /end] Driver: ? Inspector: Oof! Fritz: Ha!
[ID: The driver angrily turns the sprinkler on, blasting der Inspector in the face with water. The goats run away, the Kids keep pointing and laughing. /end] Driver: Git off there. How many times must a guy warn you old plugs about hitchin' on? Fritz: Don't giff up der ship, Inspector!
[ID: As the water wagon clops away, der Inspector sits soaked in the street, looking fearfully at the billy goats, who stand at the ready next to him, both giving him a mischievous wink. The Kids look on proudly. /end] Driver: It's gittin' so the older they get, the more y'gotta tell 'em! Giddap!! Inspector: ? Fritz: Chust look at dor for intelligence, Hans! Hans: Two to vun, dey know vot comes knext!
[ID: The goats headbutt der Inspector into an open manhole further up the road. The Kids merrily dance together. /end] Inspector: For der luff of pickles? Hans: How many years did you say dem goats vorked in a lodge, luff? Fritz: Search me. Dey're life members!
[ID: Inside the house, the Kids sit happily on one end of the table, feeding scraps to the billy goats who sit equally glad on the floor beside them. At the other end of the table, der Captain waits impatiently, smoking a cigar. A fashionable young redheaded woman sits between them, daydreaming romantic thoughts. Outside the open doorway behind der Captain, der Inspector hides, glaring inside and holding a huge wooden club behind his back. Behind the Kids, Mamma looks into a darkened doorway. /end] Mamma: I vunder vot iss keeping Der Inspector? Der Liddle Lady from Der Barber Shop: Oh, deah me!! Captain: Tee-hee! If der vishbone comes true, ve hope Der Inspector iss vent on his vacation, vot, cutie? Haw!! Inspector: So?
