This isn’t meant to be read. But I needed to get my thoughts out.
This post is a spill of broken hearted thoughts that I needed to get out.
It’s not necessarily meant to be read, but it has to be said.
"I wont ever, you are too dear to me to even think about giving up on."
Then why did you?
I know you'll never see this, and I am sorry to those who will, but I'm so stuck in my head that I need to get out the things I'll never say.
It's amazing what can change in a year, how a love you thought would finally win would crumble overnight.
I don't regret our relationship, but I can't help but wonder what would have happened if we never got back together. It took me so long to find myself again, to not have my heart feel so fragile after 6 months of late night mistakes and saying things we really shouldn't. I finally found myself, but then you found me again. You decided you were ready, that you wanted to try again and it would be real this time. I can't help but wonder if I was a fool, to think you'd really change.
But our 10 months together was real. It was different than before because we never fought, I never went home crying (maybe only a few times), I was never wondering whether you'd make it through the night, because you were mine, and I was yours. We were in this together. We travelled together, we surprised each other, we supported each other. I didn't care what anyone else said. They told me not to give you another chance after you broke my heart twice. Why should I risk it a third time?
I've always been told I am a good person, so so good and pure. Even you said it. And people keep telling me now. I think it's my greatest strength, and biggest downfall because I see the good in people, and try so hard to believe in it. I'm starting to wonder whether that makes me blind? Am I so determined in helping people and making them happy that I fail to see what's really wrong? I already know that it's detrimental to me, because I continue to put my feelings aside to make people happy. I don't want to make things worse, so I will do anything to make sure they're okay, even if it means I suffer. Does it make me a bad person? Does it make me blind?
I always asked if you were happy, because deep down I was scared. Twice before you broke up with me because of yourself, you weren't ready and you thought I deserved better. Out of nowhere. You wouldn't dare consider how I felt because you were doing the 'right thing'. And that's where I think you always go wrong. You're selfish in what you think of yourself. You have your whole life planned out, and if you're not making enough progress you become self destructive, pushing away the things and people you need most. I mean you've done it to me three times, you can say whatever you want, but I know that. I asked if you were happy because I needed reassurance that you wouldn't push me away, to let history repeat itself. But you did. And I can't help but wonder if you lied to me every time I asked.
And now I'm left broken because I gave all of myself to you. It was supposed to be different this time. And the worst of all I'm embarrassed. Because I have to go around and tell my family, my friends, the people at work, that you fucking did it again. And people say that I shouldn't be embarrassed, that who cares what they think, I'm entitled to these feelings. But I know what they think. I'm the hopeless idiot who wouldn't let go.
That's what I don't get about love. Why does the first one have to end? It wasn't perfect but it was special. But it's new and all I know so of course it shouldn't work right? How can I know this is real love if it's my first? I guess that's my curse of being a hopeless romantic, that I see love as so real, so intimate, so 'Disney' as you continued to remind me.
I won't change that about myself. I don't care what you or other people think. I thought our love was real, but I guess you fell in the love with the idea of me. Like you said, you love my but are not in love with me.
Now I don't know what to do. We both have said we love each other and want to be in each other's lives, but what the hell do we do? What am I going to say to you? How do I move on from these feelings? I don't know how people do it. Yes it takes time, but time moves so slow.
I hate myself for always thinking about you. You're always in my head. I wonder what you're doing. How was work? How's Bindi going? Excited for football? Are you thinking about me? Are you crying yourself to sleep like I am?
I don't want to want to know. I don't want to care.
But I do.
You always made fun of my music, even though you got so mad when I said I wasn't into yours once. That makes sense doesn't it? You're allowed to make fun of Taylor Swift and Little Mix, but I dare not say a word about yours. And I bet you know I've been listening to them. Taylor's even got a new album, so you can imagine how excited I am.
But you know I've been listening to them, because whether you or I like it or not, they get it.
I want to be my old self again.
I don't want to get back together.
There's nobody like you.
You broke my heart than made me who I am.
I'm still waiting to be clean.
I'm mad. I don't want to be friends. I want to hurt you like you've hurt me. I want you to know what it's like to just be fucking destroyed by a text, and text you know is coming from the way you asked if you could ask a question. To try to talk and reason with you, but expected to 'understand' and 'respect' how you feel.
I'm upset. I've lost you again. And no matter what you say or what I hope, there's no coming back from this. I don't know how we are going to be friends after what we've gone through. Don't I owe it to myself to be able to say no? To able to realise that I deserve more, and not let it all mean nothing.
I'm not as strong as I look. That's what's really scared me. How could I have relied on someone so much? How could one person build me up so high, make me so happy, but then absolutely destroy me. Ever since we broke up I've felt like I need to be strong. I mean I've done it twice before, no one cares. I know how it feels, I've got experience, really I'm a pro by now. People ask me and I say, "it didn't work out, but it's fine". I brush it off because inside it's killing me. I feel like I can't feel the pain because people are tired of it.
But it made it worse. I really fell apart. I rang someone close to both of us because only she could understand. And she felt as helpless as I did. She said she was sorry that you did this.
I keep getting told I deserve better. And I know I do. But I just don't know what to do. I'm stuck in my head.
This is where technology sucks, because I see you through my phone, I see you going about your day, liking things from other people, tagging other people. I see something and automatically think of you, but I can't show you. What a first world problem.
I can hear what you would say to me. Hear your laugh. I can feel your hands holding mine.
I remember last year, watching movies on your bed, going for drives, sitting in the car when you grabbed my hand. There was a hopeless dream back then. We were broken up but neither of us let go. I mean we always told each other how we felt, you said you still loved me, I said I'd never let go.
This time there's none of that. Because then what's the point? What's the point of feeling like this to have it drag on? What's the point of you breaking my heart if you're going to keep squeezing it? What's the point in being friends if it's going to hurt? I don't owe you anything.
I've told you how I felt, but not all of it. And I guess this is what this is: an open letter than you'll never see, that I'm not sure I want you to see. Because this is how I really feel. And I hate myself for wanting act like I'm okay, for not wanting to be mad. Why am I like this? Why do I always want to think about how other people are feeling and not about myself? Am I so desperate for love? Is it from all the lost friendships where I was abandoned? I did tell you about that once. Now I'm just breaking my own heart holding onto you.
My mum said love shouldn't make you sad. And I can't help but think of all the times it did. But I don't want to let our relationship to just be pain. You made me happy. You were my first, and you always will be.
Dea said if it was any consolation, I made you better. That you were a very different person before I met you, and that I saved you.
I'd like to think so.
But then did I lose myself?
I miss you. But I don't know what to do. I feel like if I talk to you first I'm giving in, that I really am just a hopeless ex girlfriend. I want you to talk to me first to know that you care. But I also don't want to talk to you because you've hurt me, and what do I say to you?
I don't like the idea of being an ex. What a stupid thing to hate.
I'm not saying I'm the perfect girlfriend, but I thought I deserved more. After hearing about your other exes, and other people's relationships, it was as if I had to prove that I was different.
And I thought I was.
And I thought you were too.
I read that "It's not your fault sometimes brave women fall in love with cowards."
I hope that I was brave.
Or that at least I will be.
