You haven't updated your story in quite some time. Do you plan on continuing it?
eventually i do, but reading back on the chapters, i felt everything was really rushed and i had good ideas and all but i'm majorly considering rewriting it. i'm at the half way point where i can continue the story, OR, i can rewrite it, make the chapters longer, make it more realistic. so right now, i'm not sure what exactly i'm doing, but as of right now i'm not writing anything until i know for sure that i'm proud of putting my work out there (which is also why i took it off my tumblr) thank you to everyone thats supported the story thus far (:
i know i haven't talked about my story in a while, and i'm really sorry you guys, it's on a hiatus rn bc of school and stuff. i haven't had the time to write. spring break is the next update, and my spring break is at the end of the month so please be patient thank you
"Bad," Jesse muttered to the nurse besides him, who wasn't Jenna. I didn't care for the older lady with long red claw-like fingernails with a mean scowl on her face.
The nurse nodded, wrote some things down, made me take pain killers, and was out in a flash.
"You haven't talked in a week," Jesse frowned once the door was closed behind him.
Once again I shrugged, and I watched his face scrunch together in confusion. I didn't want to hear what was coming, but I didn't have too much of a choice.
"Kellin! Will you fucking speak!"
"Jesse fuck off!" I screamed hoarsely, my vocal chords straining.
"Why aren't you talking?" He threw his arms up. "What's going on? Talk to us, no, talk to me!"
I sighed, "Just leave me alone, Jesse. I just want to be alone."
"You always want to be alone," he laughed without humor, incredulous. "Okay, Kellin, be by your-fucking-self. Mope in your self pity. You know what, I don't even give a shit what bothering you. You're not talking, Austin is on the edge of fucking dying, Justin is finally out of a coma, and here you are, lucky to be breathing and awake, but you're the one who's traumatized. Okay, Kellin, okay. Whatever, I don't care. How about you pull yourself out of your fucking ass, grow some balls, get over your anxiety and depression, and move in with Austin and Alan, because clearly we're not doing it for you back at the house. Okay, Kellin. Be by yourself. I'll see you in three months, maybe.
"And for God's sake," he stood up, giving me a disgusted look as I let tears swell up in my eyes. "Grow some balls while I'm gone."
Jesse stomped out of the room, leaving a numb feeling trickling through my veins. The venom of his words stung, and I couldn't help but roll over on my pillow, and sulk. He was right. I was weak. It should've been me instead of Austin. At least then, I wouldn't even be conscious when Vic came and crushed my entire heart and Jesse practically disown me. I didn't get a loving goodbye, from either, and here I was, laying with a bitter taste in my mouth of defeat and exhaustion.
I swung my legs over the bed, and cautiously made my way to the private bathroom attached to my room. Trailing a mobile tank behind me that had wires and tubes stitched up inside me, I shut the door behind me, and leaned against the porcelain sink. I looked up in the mirror, and my reflection stared back at me, oxygen tubes in my nose, baggy eyes and all. Baby Kellin. That's all I was.
Creaking open the medicine cabniet, I grasped my bottle of anxiety pills and threw the blue round circles down my throat. After I swallowed them painfully dry, I turned the bottle in my hands. Were these even working? I bit my lip. Maybe I needed to take more.
I took two more. Two more over my required dosage, but I was just making sure I would stop feeling anxious. Or feeling at all.
I retreated back to my bed, and laid zombie-like on the hard platform. It wasn't even a mattress.
I sighed, and one by one, I removed each wire from my body. Maybe the nurses wouldn't notice I was gone.
Doped up on pain killers and anti-depressants, I numbly made my way out to the hallway. Austin and Jesse had to be on this level.
Leaning against the walls, I slowly moved down the endless hallway of bright lights and bleached white floors. This floor was eerily quiet, mostly because this was the severe injury ward. Not a lot of nurses, or even doctors, were allowed up here.
On door 666, a folder with 'Austin Carlile' written messily slumped in a plastic pocket glue to the door. I smirked. Of course Austin would be put in Room 666. He'd get a kick out of it whenever he woke up.
I pushed the door open, and almost immediately wished I hadn't.
Austin was completely still, attached to a breathing machine that helped his chest pump up and down. His eyes were swollen black and blue, most of his upper body hidden in stretched bandages, moist with a light pink color of blood. His lips were turned downwards, also busted, and it made me sad because Austin always smiled.
I took a seat next to Austin's body. I didn't even want to say that. This wasn't Austin. Austin was happy, Austin was smiling, Austin lit up a room. Austin was living, he was breathing, he was glowing. But here he was, hooked up to a machine, life depending on it. For a moment, I considered taking him out of his misery and yanking the tube out of his mouth, but selfishly I convinced myself not to, because his weak heart was still fighting on that monitor, even without the breathing tube, it beeped, quietly, tiredly, but still, it was beeping.
I grabbed Austin's hand, and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Austin. It should've been me. I love you. I'm going to fix this, somehow. You'll make it, okay?"
I choked back tears once again, stood up swiftly, and exited the room before I could puke my guts out.
The door next to Austin's, Room 667, had 'Justin Hills', written in the same hand writing. Wasting no time, I entered.
"Kellin?" Justin smiled, eyes landing on my body. "Where are your wires?"
"I took them off," I sighed, sitting on his bed. "How are you?"
"Severe concussion," a smirk teased his lips. "I'm lucky. I haven't even seen Austin, or you until now. Kells, you look awful."
It was true. I was covered in scars and bruises from head to toe. Like Austin, I was wrapped in bandages, and I had a cast around my ribs underneath my shirt. Thankfully, the hospital was allowing us to wear our own clothes.
"Yeah," I bit my lip. "I just saw Austin."
"He's really bad, isn't he?"
"Jesse said he's dying," tears pricked my eyes. God I was fucking cry baby. "It's my fault."
"Hey," Justin scolded. "It's not your fault. What happened was a freak thing. The boss is taking care of it. We're all recovering. Speaking of which, where is Jesse?"
"He yelled at me and left for Canada."
Justin rolled his eyes, "What a drama queen. Whatever he said, I'm sure he didn't mean."
"It still hurt," I looked sideways. "Have you heard anything about Mike?"
"Mike Fuentes?" he said, and I inwardly flinched, nodding. "He got released last week. He finally woke up, and I guess the Whites wanted him to recover without us all here. Jack and Matty were in here for a day, for minor injuries. They're okay though. Everyone else is alright. Alan is pretty torn up about Austin. He's been there the entire time. He went home earlier though, to get more clothes."
I nodded numbly, "Good. I'm glad everyone is okay."
"Kellin..," Justin looked said softly, and I looked back at him. "Why didn't you tell us about Vic?"
"You would've never let me see him," I bluntly spoke.
"You're exactly right," he grabbed my hand, but I yanked it back. "What were you thinking?"
"I wasn't," I chuckled maliciously. "Not at all."
"Then why?" Justin sughed.
"I'm young and stupid," I bit my lip. "I thought he loved me."
Justin shook his head, "There's no love. Not when you live like this. Not when you're surrounded by what goes on in our life. Austin's dying, you and I were shot, Kellin, we're all going to die young. We take what we can get, and move on. It's just how things are."
I nodded, eating his bullshit, "I know."
"This, though," he swung his finger between us. "This is love. I love you. You're my brother. We're all we got."
I leaned into a hug, but I didn't smile or show any emotion. I didn't care, because he was right. There was no love. Vic didn't love me, Jesse didn't love me, and Justin didn't love me. They took what they could get, and left.
Standing up, speaking a short goodbye, I walked back to my room. I was numb, not feeling anything. It was great until the pain in my shoulder began to tingle and sting. Once I was back in my room, I hit the nurse's button. A few minutes later, a familiar blonde-haired girl with a nose ring stumbled in.
"Hi, I'm Jenna how can I- Kellin!" she screeched, smiling ear to ear.
"Hi Jenna," I smiled sadly.
Engulfing me in a careful hug, she giggled, "I missed you."
"I missed you too," I can't say I was being honest, because I missed Vic.
"Stairs again?" she teased, reaching over to the wires and reattached them to my body.
"Slightly," I flirted without intention. She was hot. Oops.
Her big green eyes lingered over my lips for a few seconds as she adjusted my oxygen tubes in noses, "That really sucks."
'Fuck you Vic' was my last thought before I grabbed the back of her neck and brought her down to my lips. She responded quickly, moving her hands to my face. The kiss was sloppy, and it's all I wanted to focus on. She wasn't a bad kisser by any means, so it didn't take much for that to happen.
"We have to be quick," she breathed, beginning to unbutton her hospital uniform. I only nodded, and began kissing her neck.
The entire time, all I could do was picture Vic's beautiful face.
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I was ashamed and guilty after Jenna put back on her clothes and left. I was also certain I was 100% gay.
Jenna was wonderful. She was a blonde goddess, and if I wasn't such a flaming homosexual I'd be wrapped around her little finger. She was beautiful, funny, and everyone loved her. She loved people. She loved her job. It'd be best if I stayed out of her life, too. I can't even begin to imagine the life I'd give to Jenna, if any at all.
I felt mostly guilty of the fact I'd used her. I felt ashamed because I betrayed my heart. I felt sad. I felt anxious. I wished Jenna hadn't left. I missed Vic. I missed Jesse and Gabe. I wanted Austin to wake up and give me the advice I needed to hear. I wanted to tell Justin there really was love. I wanted to be in my room, listening to music. I just wanted to go back. I missed my parents. I missed my old house. I missed the life I should've, could've, would've had.
I smiled sadly. If my parents were here right now, my dad would hold me and tell me I needed to get my shit together. My mom would slap his arm, scolding him on his language. I'd laugh and cuss along with my dad, and my mom would shake her head, but she'd have a smile on her face, because family meant everything to her and she didn't care what form it came in as long as she had it.
I loved the gang, but I'd never have what my parents could've gave me.
I wondered if I'd be in college. I always wanted to major in art. I wondered what it'd be like to have a normal job; A job at Starbucks, working shifts at some grocery store, a day job to complain about to my friends. I wondered if I had parents things would've been different for me in high school. I wasn't popular by any means, and everyone feared me because they all knew I was in a gang. No one expected me to graduate. Even though I was a straight A student, none of that mattered. Colleges didn't even breathe near me.
I didn't want to think anymore, so I rolled over and passed out.
The next week flew by just as quick as the last. Jesse didn't call, and neither did Gabe. Vic dropped off the face of the Earth, so I stopped trying to call him. I even had Justin, who was now out of the hospital, stalk by his cabin.
"No cars, no people, nothing," Justin had said to me. "Are you sure he lives there?"
Admittedly, I told Jenna flat out I was gay, and she laughed, and told me it was okay, because turns out, she was too. Shockingly, she told me about how she had a bad break up with her girlfriend, and she used me to forget. She apologized, and so did I, because I was in the same boat as her. She talked about her ex, Tay, and I talked a little about Vic, if you could call Vic an ex. Jenna and her girlfriend worked things out, and she's been happy and giddy every since.
Austin woke up. Everything seemed alright: Until he looked at his long term friend, and boyfriend, Alan, and asked who he was.
Doctors diagnosed him with brain damage, which was to be expected, and some memory loss. With physical therapy, Austin will be able to go back to his old self. However, the process is excruciatingly long, being to up and over a year. We were willing the pay the extreme costs though, because we loved Austin and that's just what family does.
Alan made it personal vendetta to get Austin to remember him, and so far, it's been working. Austin's eyes will get wide and he'll talk about a fond memory between the two. Alan will get so excited and nod excitedly, and give us a toothy grin. Austin will blush, look away, and giggle. It was amazing how even when someone doesn't know who you are, they can still find a way to love you without even knowing it.
I cried myself to sleep a lot. Mostly over Vic, sometimes over Jesse, sometimes over myself. The anxiety and pain killers helped sometimes. It gave me a high of numbness, and it was amazing. I was taking more than my prescribed dosage, but I didn't necessarily care. All that mattered is that I wasn't sad.
I got visits a lot from everyone, and it was wonderful, until Jesse walked in one morning.
"I thought you went to Canada," was the first thing I said when Jesse sat in the chair across my bed.
"I couldn't leave without knowing you were going to be okay," Jesse frowned. "I said some ugly things."
"Yeah, a little."
"I'm so sorry, Kells," he sighed. "I didn't mean any of it. I'm stressed out and scared. I'm just so sorry. I love you more than anything in the world, and you know that."
I shook my head, "No, I don't. You're too over bearing. I can't handle it, Jess. It's too much."
"I know, I know," Jesse smiled. "I want to prove it. The safe house is cleaned up now, and I can take you home."
My ears perked up, "I can leave?"
"Yeah, you've been doing pretty good, so they've decided to let you out early," Jesse smiled brightly. "Come home."
I nodded tiredly. I hate this place, "Okay."
Shortly after I got all my things together, said my goodbyes to everyone, and got in the car with Jesse, he began rattling off things he'd be changing and blah blah blah.
I just wanted to lay in my own bed.
The drive was short, and so was any kind of conversation between Jesse and I. I headed straight to my room, desperately in search of my prescriptions. I downed my anxiety pills after searching through my bathroom, and decided to just fuck it, I took way more than I should've. I couldn't keep feeling whatever I beginning to feel. I wouldn't let myself crash.
I was high in my bedroom, listening to music, numb. I couldn't feel again, and it was wonderful. Fuck Vic and Jesse. Especially Vic. Vic can go fuck himself.
I rolled in my bed, looking at the window he'd climbed in countless times. In my mind, I pictured his goofy smirk as he'd tumble in ungracefully, trying to seduce me some way. I'd think he'd be handsome, and blush and lose my cool.
'Stop thinking', I reminded myself. 'He doesn't love you.'
I loved him though. I loved him so much.
Wasn't it too early for love?
My thoughts were erratic and everywhere, and I decided to shut it all out by walking downstairs to speak with Jesse.
Jesse sat me down on the couch, spoke his long apology, and for the sake of trying to mend our relationship, I accepted. His eyes narrowed at me confusedly.
"Kells, are you high?" he asked angrily, checking my dilated pupils.
"It's just my medication," I lied.
"No, it's not. Your dosage didn't go up," Jesse laughed dryly. "What the fuck, Kellin? You're going to over dose."
"I don't care." I couldn't feel, I just couldn't.
"Get the fuck out," Jesse laughed. "Just fucking leave."
So, that's what I did. I left.
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Another week passed and I then decided time was a fucking asshole and my life sucked as I downed more Xanax. The drug dealer became the drug-ee, and it was pathetic. I couldn't find a will to care though as I was shuddered in the deep numbness I relished in.
Giving a dealer the last of my money, I frowned. That couldn't be right. However, I couldn't care. Not right now, at least.
I saw Vic everywhere. Maybe I was hallucinating, or just losing my mind. Either way, I would crumble up into a ball of sad and take more drugs. Then, I was fine, and Vic didn't bother me anymore.
"Fuck love," I said to myself, leaning against a brick wall.
Jesse hadn't come to find me, and no one else had either. Not even the police. It only proved Vic's previous point of them using me for money. It pissed me off. I didn't want Vic to be right.
I hoped he was okay.
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Time is a funny thing, I thought two weeks later, out of money and out of will.
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By week three on my own in the streets I was dying and I accepted it wholeheartedly. I didn't care anymore.
Picking up my feet, and my body, which was filthy, I began zombie walking. I didn't know where to go, but my busted feet were moving, and that's all I cared about.
I stopped thinking about Vic and began to laugh at myself. For fuck's sake, I'm eighteen. Love wasn't real at this age, and I only knew him for a few months. Who would love me, anyways?
I was depressed and emotionally vacant, even off the high I'd worked so hard for. I just didn't care. Maybe I'd always been like this, and I just needed a reality check to show me. I didn't care. I was letting everything take their punches out on me, and tearing little pieces of my pride away until I was left naked and vulnerable.
My exhausted feet stopped as I stood at the edge on a lone bridge. It was old, and not a lot of cars were on it being that it was three in the morning currently. I swung my legs over the edge, sitting on the ledge. Maybe I should jump.
She was swimming in the water behind me. Again, maybe I was hallucinating or going crazy, but Her wild eyes and bright smile captivated me.
"Hi mom," my voice cracked.
She waved back, and gestured me in. I should just let go. It'd be best for all of us. Everyone wouldn't need to worry, it they were, about me anymore. On the bright side, they'd be paid good money after the police find my body floating in the local streams.
I was about to jump. I was about to take that leap of faith, and end all of it. I was going to swim with my mother, but that stupid fucking velvet voice had to speak up.
"I love you!"
My head whipped, and my eyes hurt as Vic's distressed face filled my vision. I shook my head. No, Kellin, this was a hallucination.
"It took me so long," Vic's voice cracked. "So fucking long. Kellin, I need you. I shouldn't have left. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm a disaster, Kells. Fuck, I need you."
I didn't say anything, but my heart was racing. What if this wasn't a hallucination? I couldn't speak or breathe. I didn't need to either.
"Kellin, get down, please," his voice was defeated.
I moved slowly, and sat on the ground. I wasn't going close to him. I didn't want him to fade away if he wasn't real. This was the strongest his voice came through so far.
Vic's long legs strode over, and engulfed me in a hug. It hit me like a truck that this was real. Vic was holding me in his arms, I was about to kill myself, and I've been hooked on drugs for a month. A rush of emotions hit me, and the first one that did was anger.
I shoved Vic off me, "Fuck you! You don't get to do that! You can't do that to me and expect me to be okay with you!"
"Kellin, please, I need your forgiveness," he spoke slowly. "Whenever that happens, it'll happen. Please, come home with me. You're a mess. Let me take care of you."
The offer was too tempting, and I stumbled over to him. Nodding tiredly, I slumped against his shoulder, and he half-carried me to his running car. He laid me down on the backseat, where it was nice and warm. Vic laid his jacket over top of my body, and I snuggled into the musky smell of Vic. God, I missed him. I still wish I had jumped though.
The car ride was silent, and I watched the scenery change considerably. We weren't headed to his cabin, I realized. Vic pulled the car into the driveway of a condo outside the city by the beach. It was a nice place, and it was secluded.
Turning the car off, Vic hopped out, and opened the back door. Wrapping my arm around his shoulder, he drug me inside. Sitting me on a couch I was too tired to comprehend details, the faint mist of beach hit my nose, and where ever I was, I wanted to stay.
"This is my real house," Vic smiled. "I've never brought anyone here before."
I nodded. What else could I say? I didn't want to talk.
"Kellin, let's go to bed," Vic tugged my body up, and I didn't fight it. Sleep in a bed sounded wonderful.
Leading me upstairs on modern black sleek stairs, he managed to throw my disgusting clothes off me, leaving me in clean boxers. At least I'd managed to change them often.
Vic laid me down somewhere, and I didn't retain any type of detail as the plushness of the bed instantly swooped me in. Vic removed his clothes, and slid in next to me.
"We can go to the beach tomorrow," Vic smiled, kissing my cheek. "I love you."
"You're not forgiven," I said softly.
"I'm going to try, Kells. I'll do anything. I will do anything and everything I can. I love you, and I'm done denying myself happiness, because for the first time, I met someone worth it. I'm done playing games, Kellin. From now on," Vic's eyes were sharp and strong as they bore into mine. "This is me. And I'm saying this loud and clear:
"I want all of you, the bad and the good. I want to wake up on lazy mornings and kiss you and watch movies all day, and laugh aimlessly at something that's not remotely funny. I want to dance to Frank Sinatra in the middle of the night, because we can. I want to get drunk from disgusting boxed wine and fight with you, and then tell you how much I love you and need you. I'm so stupid and blind to have ever hurt you.
"No more of puppy love we had going on," Vic's lips began to still, and his eyes drooped. "I want the real thing. I want it with you. I need it with you. You're the one, Kells. I love you."
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at 4106 words this is the longest fucking chapter i've ever written so enjoy shits
ANYWAYS VIC IS BACK YAY
i hoped you enjoyed and as always i love your messages and feedback and it makes me the happiest lil squirrel ever ily guys
