#s223

[coloradocowgirlforchrist]

Me: Rosado no es su color….

Bailey: I think he looks cute in pink ha.

Me: Hmm… debatable. :)

Bailey: I just bought him a pink halter. :)

Me: Oh my….

[bloggers-secretfiles]

Story #223: Denial

my life started a year ago. if i’ll say that my life started 36 years ago, that would be a lie. if my life started 36 years ago, why is it that it is only now that i’m writing about this?

i remember the first day, the first glance, the first time i saw you. you were seated not too far away from me, nervous, afraid of what might happen, looking for something or somebody, hoping you’ll get the answer soon. suddenly, i was called upon, asked to assist you, i got up and walked towards you. i listened. you were good in what you do and that made me turn my head and looked at your face, i wanted to see the person speaking beside me up close and personal. you had a nice voice but what i noticed was your deep, loving eyes. full eyelashes and it feels like it has a language of its own that talks to me, sees through me, trying to judge me. with those eyes, i got afraid, afraid that i might fall but no one will catch me. i kept distance after that incident. i’m just seeing you, feeling your presence from far away. kept telling myself that i should stop, stop thinking about you. i was indeed successful. i was not able to forget you, to really move away from you but i was able to set aside the feeling until i forgot that it did exist. i met someone else, that person caught my attention but she was not you. all i see is face value. i was not impressed. i see her, yes, she made me think of her but i can always move away from her. i missed her, yes, when she’s not around but i can leave her alone if i want to. she will never be mine, just like you. then, i remembered you. i remembered the first day, the first glance, the first time i saw you. the day i saw your eyes. then i looked at you and you smiled. the cutest smile i have ever seen. the smile that i don’t want to take my eyes off, the smile that i kept picturing in my mind. i made myself too available for you, to let you feel that i exist. that i am here. here and afraid to be rejected, but still i took the risk. it was a joke at first and i was afraid that you wont take me seriously, but deep inside me, i was happy. happy to say how i felt and how i feel now, happy that you did not just shove it off. but you took it as a joke. but i am not joking, i really like you and i want to be with you. even just for 8 hrs a day, or even less than that. with you i am forgetting things. i forgot that i need to rest, i forgot that the office is a real office and not my house where i should stay after my shift. i forgot that i am in a relationship. when i see you, all the feelings of sleepiness and being tired goes away. when i see you, i feel magnetized. when i’m with you, i feel inspired. i tried to control how i feel. however, the question is, why would you control and deprive yourself of happiness? when you have found the happiness that you’ve been looking for? is it wrong to be happy? is it wrong to like someone that makes you happy? everytime i looked at you, i always find the answers to these questions. and when i find the answers, i wanted to ask you, will you be willing to be happy with me? then, when i was about to ask that question, someone comes to mind. someone’s waiting for me at home, i almost forgot. she makes me forget the question i wanted to ask you. she makes me feel guilty of how i feel. without even knowing that she’s doing it. maybe, i’ll just have to deny myself of the happiness that i have found. i’ll deny myself of your presence. i’ll deny myself of you. i’ll deny… that i love you.