#sansalena

[tigremami]

I really like how my blog looks right now.

[tigremami]

many things went wrong, many things went right.

[tigremami]

*SCREAMS WITH EXCITEMENT FOR THE NEW AMERICAN HORROR STORY:COVEN*

[tigremami]

"No, not really, we have guns and we will find you." -Sam

[tigremami]

Seriously. The way they include 'LARPing' in season five makes me so pissed. I actually hate it. Like why. No. It really pisses me off OMG. Like it's tearing my insides up. Aprneiwonsixoansb al of these lame people dressing up as them.. Noooooooooo. Stooooooooop. Ten SAM and dean have to see it and like noooooo. Stoooooop. Ughhhhh. It's so annoying. Every time this happens It makes me so maaaaad. Why did he publish books?! WHY DID PEOPLE READ THEM?! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP.

[tigremami]

close to a goodbye.

I feel like no one, but maybe 7 people, would care if I killed myself. Like really, honestly hear me out and understand. My dad is literally my least favorite person in the entire world. He makes me feel like shit with one look, or comment. He constantly cuts me down, im already a stump of the tree I was before. My mother, she loves me, I know that. But she says things to my dad about me. She tells him If I get a bad grade, or if I have a bad attitude, basically anything I do wrong, she is the nark. Don’t get me wrong, I understand they have to communicate, but she knows how he is. He is a heavy drinker that gets pissed off really easily. I try my best to avoid doing anything wrong, I really do. But there is ALWAYS SOMETHING. He always finds something wrong. With me, or the things I have don’t, or the things I am supposed to do. There is no pleasing him. About a year ago, I was going to make a suicide attempt. Swear on my worthless life. He yelled at me and belittled me and make me feel like utter shit. Worthless. I had no opinion back then. I would just sit there and let him yell at me. My face turned to stone and I would listen. But now, now I have an opinion. And I defend myself. I try not to let him plant things that are wrong with me in my head, trust me I do that enough on my own. I don’t just sit back and let him throw all the punches, I let him know what he is saying is wrong and not true. That I do the opposite of everything he is accusing me of and then some. I stick up for myself, something I didn’t do before. I am proud of that. But it doesn’t matter. Too him I am this idiotic brat, who is disrespectful and rude and clearly not his child because I don’t always do everything he asks of me. Quite honestly, I do whole heartedly believe that he doesn’t love me. I really do. The most pathetic thing is, the fact that I let him do this to me. I went to a therapist for a while and she said that he was my problem. That I wouldn’t hate myself, that I would have such self-respect issues, that I would be less self-conscious, that I would have less self-doubt, I wouldn’t be as scared of judgment, I wouldn't be depressed, that I would be happy. I could be happy. Happy is someone of a foreign feeling for me. So anyways, today there was a storm. Literally and metaphorically. I am so tired of having to feel like shit. I am sad/angry/depressed about 96% of the time. I really don’t know what to do. There is no way out. There is nowhere to go. I’m stuck and I’m scared and I want to get out but I have nowhere. Everyone else, they see this happy face. They see me ‘better’ but inside I am rotted and a shell of who I used to be. So maybe 7 people would miss me. Maybe less. Maybe more. But sooner or later I won’t be around to see it.