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First Date Blues

As Heather strolled towards the coffee shop she considered turning around, running back to her car, locking herself in it, and driving away.

Heather could feel her chest ache, her lungs gasp as they tried to suck more air in, her arms numbed, and her feet froze on the sidewalk.

Despite the sun bursting against her skin, she felt like she was freezing. She stuck her hands in her jacket pocket, rubbing them against the rough denim in hopes she could feel something.

Screw the five dollars she paid for parking. If five dollars was what was going to get her out of this then she would gladly take it.

“You spin me right round, baby. Right round like a record baby. Right round, right round.”

Before Heather could turn around, her phone chimed, she dug through her purse. Fingers brushing against a full tube of lip gloss, contacts case, and two sets of keys before landing on it.

She unlocked it, believing it was her mother or a scammer asking about her car’s extended warranty. Instead the contact read:

Judd

The reason she was on this date in the first place.

Heather swiped the green icon, before she could stumble out a greeting, Judd’s rough voice grumbled out: “Don’t tell me you’re thinking of leaving.”

There were times where Heather wondered if Judd was some kind of mind reader. He always seemed to know what she was feeling even before she did.

“I’m not leaving.” Heather stuttered out. Her breaths short and panicky.

“Wait, Heather, are you having an anxiety attack or something?” Judd’s voice shifted from sarcastic to concerned in a heartbeat. “Did you forget to take your pills this morning?”

Heather shook her head. “No…no…of course…I...um…yeah I took them.”

Zoloft, Lithium, Xanax, Melatonin etc. etc.

She was only thirty and Heather was on more pills than an old lady.

There were pills to combat depression. Pills to ease her anxiety. Pills to put her to sleep. Pills to wake her up.

All completely necessary her doctor, her physiatrist, and her therapist assured her.

When the pills were first prescribed Heather had refused to take them.

Her therapist called it PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder, Heather called it nerves.

She didn’t take the pills. She didn’t even go the pharmacy to get the pills, but when Michael found Heather huddled up in the bathroom clutching a lamp as a weapon, even she could agree that something was wrong.

Heather Hudson was broken.

Heather could hear her therapist chiding her. “You’re not broken, you’re just sick.”

Which didn’t make Heather feel much better.

Her mind had been shattered, unraveled, and destroyed by the man she once claimed with confidence was her one true love.

Her husband.

Judd’s voice broke Heather out her thoughts. “Look, Heather, if you’re not feeling well. I can come pick you up. Just say the word and I’ll text Wanda and tell her plans changed.”

“No, Judd.” Heather took a deep breath. “I just need to focus.”

She focused on her breathing. Sucking in the air and slowly pushing it out.

She was fine. She was safe. It was a beautiful sunny day and Mac wasn’t there.

She was going to be okay.

“Ok,” Judd said. “Call me after and tell me how the date went?”

“You betcha ya.” Heather said. “Oh and Judd…”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

Heather hung up and made her way to the coffee shop.

The blind date was Judd’s idea. When he proposed putting Heather together with one of his former colleagues she had refused.

“You’re only setting us up together because we’re the only queer people you know.”

“Not, true.” Judd huffed. “I know Jean-Paul.”

Heather rolled her eyes. “The only queer women you know.”

“Fair.” Judd sighed. “But trust me, you’re going to love her.”

He began to sing Wanda’s praises.

“She’s gorgeous, smart, talented. Plus…” He wiggled his eyebrows. “She’s rich.”

“I’m not going to date someone just because they’re rich.” Heather said.

“I’m not suggesting you marry the girl!” Judd huffed. “I’m merely setting you up on a date.”

“Judd…” Heather started.

“And I already told her you said yes, so you have to go.” “Judd!”

So now Heather was at some coffee shop in Downtown Toronto. Not a green corporate brand, rather an artisanal place with erratic hours and a Turkish menu.

“Wanda’s favorite place.” Judd claimed. “If you ignore the prices, it’s not that bad.”

Heather’s eyes widened as she was the price for Baklava. She hoped Wanda was planning on paying, because this date was going to send Heather into debt.

Heather looked around the coffee shop, wishing she had the foresight to ask Judd for a photo. However it wasn’t like he used his phone for much else than phone calls and the notes app.

“She’ll be wearing a bright pink jumpsuit.” Judd said. “Can’t miss her.”

The coffee shop was mostly empty. A group of old women with matching books took up a table in a corner. Two men shared a desert by the door. A father rocking a baby on his hip sipped tea as he chatted on the phone.

No pink jumpsuit.

Heather checked her watch.

10:45.

They were supposed to meet a ten thirty. Heather’s mini-panic attack had costed her five minutes, but she didn’t think Wanda such a stickler for punctuality that she took off when her date failed to arrive at the specified time.

Heather sighed. If Wanda didn’t show up in the next five minutes, she’d leave without ordering and send Judd a text telling him that the date was a bust.

“Wanda Langkowski!” A barista called. She pronounced the name Wuh-and-ah Lang-Co-Sky.

“Over here!”

Heather turned her head.

Stepping out of the rest room was the most gorgeous woman she had ever laid eyes on.

Wanda was tall, almost two meters if Heather was guessing correctly. Her tight pink jumpsuit made her legs look longer. Her hair was a shiny platinum that curled down her back.

Heather owed Judd big time.

Heather slinked towards Wanda, as the other woman paid for her coffee. She tucked her hands behind her back feeling slightly ashamed of her own outfit. A pair of high waisted blue jeans, with matching denim jacket, paired with a custom made shirt that had: Where the Heck is High River? Printed on the black fabric.

Wanda was gorgeous, and Heather looked like she had just gotten out of bed.

Wanda’s blue eyes snagged onto the woman lurking next to her. “Hi?” She said.

And now Heather looked like a creep. She straightened up her position and gave Wanda her best smile. “Hi.” She stammered out. “I’m Heather Hudson, are you Wanda Langkowksi? Our friend Judd, set us up on a date.”

Wanda smiled back at Heather. “Thank god. I was afraid you left.” She held out her hand. “Sorry, I’m late. I lost one of earrings in the parking lot.”

Heather’s eyes trailed up to Wanda’s ears. One held a small pearly earring, the other was empty.

“Oh god, that’s terrible.” Heather told her as she took Wanda’s hand.

Heather wasn’t typically one for jewelry. However she was terribly fond of earrings. The small brass plugs that she was wearing were her favorites.

Wanda shook her head. “It’s not big deal.” She gestured to the menu. “Do you want something to drink?”

Heather ordered a black tea and a doughnut looking sweet called hanım göbeği, which Wanda told her translated to “woman’s naval.” The two women then took a seat in the middle of the shop.

“Do you want any?” Heather broke off a piece of her hanım göbeği and offered it to Wanda.

The blonde shook her head. “No thanks.” She said as she took a sip of her drink. “I had a large breakfast.”

Heather nibbled on a piece of food as they sat in silence. Wanda stared at Heather as if expecting her to ask the first question.

Heather wracked her brain. It had been so long since she had been on a first date. She remembered her and Mac’s first dinner back in high school, where he did most of the talking and she just smiled and nodded.

Things were so much easier back then.

Heather swallowed her food, letting out a small cough before asking. “So, Wanda, what do you do for work?”

“I’m a teacher at the University of Toronto.” Wanda stated.

“Oh, a professor, that’s nice.”

“Doctor, actually.” Wanda informed her. “Dr. Wanda Loraine Langkowski.”

“What do you teach?” Heather asked. “Modern physics, I’m also leading a research project on gamma rays.” She explained. “We’re doing a joint study with MIT and my old college friend, Bruce, is assisting us.”

“You must be excited.”

“Yeah, I haven’t seen him since I lived in Pennsylvania.”

“Are you American?” Heather asked.

“No.” Wanda explained. “I just went their for college and later got recruited for the Green Bay Packers.”

“They let women on the football teams?” Heather asked.

“Um…” Wanda blushed. “Not exactly. I’m trans, so that was before…I…”

Heather felt her cheeks heat up, as she glanced down at the floor.

She was really screwing things up.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to…” “It’s fine.” Wanda leaned back in the chair. “So I take it this is the point where you say ‘This was fun’, leave, and never call me back.”

“What? No!” Heather shook her head. “I was apologizing for forcing you to out yourself.”

“Oh, Heather, no it’s not your fault.” Wanda said. “I’m the one who brought up I used to play football. I’m not ashamed of who I am. I’m trans. I have a jacket with like twenty different pins on it. A flag outside my house. And a bumper sticker.”

Wanda pulled out her phone and showed Heather a picture of a jacket, that had way more than twenty different pins.

They were all custom made. One that was a simple trans flag with She/Her printed on it. Protect Trans Kids. Trans Equality Now. The Future Isn’t Binary.

“Wow.” Heather said. “I can’t even put sapphic on my dating profile.”

“It’s only something I wear to pride or if I want to piss my ex-wife off.” Wanda explained. “I picked up my son from her place last weekend and she looked like she was going to explode.”

“You have a kid?”

“Just one son.” Wanda explained. “Edmund, I get him during the summer and every other holiday. Divorce is a bitch.”

Wanda gave a quick explanation about her marriage. She and Veronica met when they were young, had a fling that ended with Veronica’s pregnancy, and got married to save face.

“We started the separation process before I came out.” Wanda explained. “It was hell, lost half my assets to her because we never signed a prenup, she and Ed still live in Vancouver so it’s rare I get to see him.”

Heather nodded, not pushing Wanda for more specifics. She knew all about bad marriages.

“What about you?” Wanda asked.

“What about me?”

“You divorced or have any kids?”

“Widowed.” Heather shook her head. “No kids.”

Mac and Heather were never in the right financial spot to have kids. With Mac’s college loans weighing them down, the constant moving for his job, and their hectic work schedules children were never in the cards.

Not that Heather ever felt she was missing out on anything. She had eight million brothers and sisters, plus Elizabeth. As the oldest girl, she had been responsible for acting as a second parent. While her mother nursed the newest baby, and her father was hard at work, Heather’s job was feeding, bathing, and rearing the younger ones.

She had enough dirty diapers to last her a life time.

When she brought this up to Mac, all those years ago, tears in her eyes, worried about how he’d react.

“It’s okay, honey. Really it is. If the Hudson line stops with me, what does it matter as long as I have you!”

That was back in the early years of their marriage. When Mac was nice. A good caring husband. A provider for his doting wife. Willing to do whatever it took to make her smile.

Before the basement.

Before the small dank room, that smelled like mold and paint, the tiny mattress in the corner, the radio that played the same top forty hits every few hours.

The sedatives delivered with cold cereal that Heather willingly took because they stopped her from screaming.

Months of nothing but dull, still, rotting time. Peeing in the small smelly room adjoined to the basement. The showers of dirty water. Hours of banging on the door begging Mac to let her out.

Then there was the fire…

Thick smoke wafting it’s way down to the basement, the unbearable heat, and the fire that took over the upper floors, threatening to burn Heather alive downstairs.

Mac rushing downstairs, throwing Heather over his shoulder, rushing her through the flames as they licked against him.

Heather crying as she felt the cold night air on her face. Bear feet sliding against the freezing snow. Stars twinkling above her in celebration.

“Heather…”

She spun around.

Watching Mac fall to the ground, house burning behind him, the fire department rolling up asking her a million questions, as the paramedics strapped Mac’s body onto a gurney.

Smoke inhalation.

He died of smoke inhalation.

“Heather…” Wanda stared at the woman across from her. “Heather are you okay?”

Heather hadn’t realized it before, but her whole body was shaking. Her glasses were fogging up from the tears that ran down her face. Her chest heaved and hawed, trying to push air into her lungs.

“Hey, Heather, maybe we should go outside.” Wanda reached over. “Get you some fresh air.” Heather lurched backwards, as Wanda’s finger tips brushed against her jacket.

Her knee bumped against the table, knocking the tea over, spilling it onto her lap.

Wanda reached over for napkins but before she could hand them to Heather, the other woman was out the door making a beeline for her car.

Heather sped towards the ancient blue Honda which was parked a few meters away from the coffee shop.

In one swift motion Heather unlocked the car, threw herself into the drivers seat, and locked the doors.

Leaning against the leather seat, she removed her glasses, tucking them into her shirt, as she tried to force air into her lungs.

This whole thing had been a disaster.

Wanda probably thought she was some kind of loon.

Heather stared at her phone glancing at the notification alerting her to a voicemail from Judd. He probably wanted to hear about how the date went. Heather’s heart ached at the thought of informing him about what a disaster it was.

Which was such a shame, because Judd was one of her closest friends. He had done so much for her. Letting Heather stay in his apartment after the fire. Reconnecting her with Michael. Encouraging her take her medication. Helping her snap out of decades of Comp-Het. Getting her this date.

Heather wiped her eyes with her sleeve. She was just going to lock herself in her room for the rest of her life and forget about the world.

KNOCK!

Heather shoved on her glasses as she glanced at the passenger side window. Outside Wanda was waiting.

“Hey.” She said as Heather rolled down the windows. “Everything alright?”

Heather shook her head. “No, not really.”

Wanda reached for the door handle. “Mind if I come in?”

Heather nodded and reached for the button that unlocked the doors. Wanda slid inside in one smooth motion. However she did have to jerk the chair back in order to fit in.

“Look, you don’t have to tell me anything.” Wanda insisted. “I just want to make sure your okay, but if you want me to leave, I will.”

“No, Wanda, it’s fine.” Heather said. “Thank…thank you for checking in on me. I know how weird it must seem.”

“We were talking about kids, and you started crying.” Wanda explained. “I didn’t mean to touch a nerve.”

“No, Wanda, it’s not your fault.” Heather ran a finger through her hair. “Everything gets on my nerves these days.”

“Oh.” Wanda glanced at Heather’s messy dashboard. “I get that. When I was going through my divorce, I was ten seconds away from punching everyone.”

Sitting there was a hula dancer Judd got her, an air freshener, and a printed out photo of the Virgin Mary her mother insisted she take everywhere.

“Mine’s a bit different.” Heather said. “I have PTSD.”

Heather didn’t go into full detail over her trauma. She just mentioned how she and Mac met. She was seventeen and he was…not.

“I thought it was true love, you know.” Heather explained. “This cute, brilliant, scientist had taken an interest in me, homely Heather McNeil. We got married the moment I turned eighteen.”

She told Wanda how for the first couple years their marriage had been good. They had decided not to have any kids, they moved around Canada for a few years, then Mac got a job working for Roxxon.

“We had to move to New York. It was a huge change.” Heather described. “He wasn’t as home as much, I missed my family, it was misery being stuck in the house all day. One day we got in a fight and I tried to leave. Mac…he wouldn’t…he didn’t…Mac wouldn’t let me leave.”

She skipped the details about the basement, but Wanda seemed to get the idea.

“Then one day the house caught on fire, Mac rescued me, and then he died.” Heather explained. “I know it sounds like a plot of a Lifetime movie, but it did happen.”

“That’s…wow…” Wanda said. “And I thought my marriage was bad.”

“The weird things is that I still love him.” Heather groaned. “I’m not even attracted to men, but there’s still this weird Mac shaped hole in my heart.”

Heather had never admitted that to anyone. Not Judd, not Michael, not her therapist. It always felt so gross. To love the man who locked her up, manipulated her, and abused her. That was crazy.

Crazy Heather Hudson.

“I don’t think it’s that weird.” Wanda said. “You were with that man your entire adult life, he made sure that you stuck with him forever.”

“That’s definitely part of it.” Heather said.

However she was sure her feelings toward her husband weren’t just the efforts of Mac’s carefully coordinated grooming. Some of the love, the caring, the passion, had to be hers.

If it wasn’t, then what had the point of the last ten years of Heather’s life been?

“I get if you want to leave.” Heather said. “I really do.”

“Not a chance, red.” Wanda shook her head. “Look, I like you a lot Heather. I really do. This day was fun.”

“In spite of my panic attack?” Heather asked.

“Not even in spite of that.” Wanda said. “You’re strong, Heather. If there’s anything I’ve learned about you today, it’s that.”

PING!

Heather reached for her phone, but Wanda stopped her.

“Sorry, that’s me.” She reached into her pants pocket and pulled out her cell phone. “It’s my friend Narya, asking about how our date went.”

Heather glanced at the icon on Wanda’s phone. Representing Narya was a blonde woman, with sparkling blue eyes, and a serious smile. “Wow, she looks just like you.”

“Narya and I met when I first moved back to Canada.” Wanda explained. “She was a security guard at McGill and people used to joke about how we looked like siblings. After I started transitioning we claimed we were twins separated a birth.”

“Only child, I take it.”

Wanda nodded. “Yeah.”

“Lucky.” Heather said. “I have five brother’s, a sister, and when I was a teenager who took in the child of a family friend.”

“Seven siblings.” Wanda let out a low whistle. “Wow.”

“And I was responsible for all of them.”

Heather regaled Wanda with tales of Becky’s birth, Elizabeth and Trevor’s attempt to bake a cake, and the time her youngest brother Philip adopted a wild possum.

“He sounds just like Ed.” Wanda laughed. “When he was a toddler, I woke up one morning to find him making a slip and slide with soda and flour. You should’ve seen the mess.”

The two women continued their conversation, never leaving the car. Wanda told Heather about the glamorous life of a closeted football player. Heather listened eagerly, occasionally chiming in with stories about their mutual friends. Apparently Narya was the same Narya, as her friend Michael had adopted.

“Did you really think Judd fought in the Spanish Civil War?” She asked.

“God no,” Wanda said. “That would make him like a hundred years old at this point.”

“Do you know Judd’s actual age?”

Wanda’s eyebrow quirked up as she thought for a moment. “No, do you?”

“I always assumed it was seventy something.”

Wanda laughed and glanced down at her phone. “Is it really almost four?”

Heather checked her watch. “It is.”

“I got to get home.” Wanda sat up. “I have a report to send into Bruce, and I’ve been procrastinating all week.”

She opened the door slowly stepping out. “Hey, Heather,” She said. “This was fun.”

“Yeah,” Heather smiled. “It was.”

“Want to do it again sometime?” Wanda asked.

Heather nodded. “Absolutely.”

The two swapped number and Heather reached over to give Wanda a hug. The blonde woman placed a kiss on her cheek and they disentangled.

“See you around, red.” She smiled, waving as she made her way to her own car.

Heather smiled. Her heart feeling light and airy, but not as if she was about to explode. Rather she felt like she was floating, like her body was made of stars.

Heather reached for her keys, ready to make the drive phone as her phone went off.

“You spin me right round, baby. Right round like a record baby. Right round, right round.”

Heather answered it without checking the contact. “Hi, Judd.”

“So,” Heather could feel the older man’s grin as he let out a cackle. “How was the date?”

#heather hudson #heather mcneil hudson #vindicator #wanda langkowski #sasquatch #wandaheather #past trauma #panic attacks #fanfiction #cross posted on ao3