Pirate Droids of the Onyx Cinder
Chapter 7: An Easy Job
Characters: K-2SO, SM-33, Jukebox (OC)
Summary: This job was easy…too easy. I'm sure it's fine. What's the worst that could happen?
Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 Part One | Ch5 Part Two | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 | Ch9 | Ch10 | Ch11 (Finale!)
Available on AO3
The Purple Pufferpig was beautiful. Smooth and violet on the outside, and a prismatic web of colors on the inside. Though the statue was perched on a pedestal surrounded by priceless artwork, very priceable jewels, and stacks of credits, it had to have known it was the star of the show.
“Look at her,” Smee spoke in a low, reverent tone.
Jukebox floated in small circles around the statue, inspecting it from every angle. “Are you sure we can’t keep it?”
"Well, let's weigh the options again," Esso said, counting on his fingers. “One: we can sell the statue and have more credits than we'll ever know what to do with, orrrrrr...Two: we can keep the pig as a helpful flimsy-weight for all our paperwork. Up to you, Jukebox. What will it be?”
"Fine..." Jukebox did a full rotation in the air, which Smee realized was the interrogation droid's way of "rolling its eyes". “...I guess we can sell it.”
“I know what I’ll buy when I get my share,” Esso said, as he loaded a credit-filled case onto Jukebox’s hover-carrier. “I'll purchase some googly-eye stickers for your dome, so you can roll your eyes properly.”
“Oh good! I will look just like you!” Jukebox chirped.
“Hey! You take that back!”
Smee should be feeling good right now. Weren't no reason to feel otherwise.
Reekhorn’s info was solid. The tunnels below the manor was easy enough to navigate. Security was practically non-existent and the alarm system was simple with a KX droid to decipher it.
This heist was easy. Very easy.
“This was easy!” Esso said, reaching for the piggy statue.
Smee swung his head towards the droid. “Ey! There be no talk like that until the job’s done.”
“The job is done,” Esso argued, and reached for the statue again.
“Wait!”
Esso snatched the statue from the pedestal.
Smee waited for a secret alarm, a trap, an explosion.
…Nothing happened.
“Y'know,” Esso said, tossing the pufferpig in the air a couple of times. “I think I'm getting the hang of this piracy thing. If all jobs are like this, it won't be long before we could buy our own planet.”
“Oh, Esso…” Smee shook his head. “First lesson of piracy, there be no easy jobs.”
“Except this one,” Jukebox said.
“You two are young. Trust yer captain when he says: The ‘easy jobs’ are often the ones with the most problems.”
“Except this one ,” Esso echoed. “Really, Smee. Here I thought I was the pessimistic one.” Esso walked backwards out of the vault, still tossing up the pufferpig. “You worry too-”
“Hey you!”
Esso spun around, nearly dropping the pufferpig. Two weequay stood in the doorway. Both of them wore Republic Sec Officer uniforms, but the coats were wrinkled and grimy. One of their hats was crooked, the other had no hat at all. None of this looked right.
Pirates, Smee thought. Jukebox seemed to observe this too, but Smee held out an arm. He wanted to see how K-2SO would handle this.
“Oh! Hello. Um…” He looked back at Smee then back at the two weequay.
“Hand over the piggy, clanker.” One of the weequays said, wiggling his blaster at Esso.
“What piggy?” Esso asked.
“Don’t be stupid. The one in your hand.”
“Hmm? Oh this! It’s a fake. Not worth your time.”
“Then let us take it off yer hands then.”
“Hmm...Captain? Should I let them have it?”
If Captain SM-33 had a mouth, he'd be grinnin' with pride.
Esso’s lookin’ to his captain for an order. Never thought I'd see the day.
“Give ‘em wot they deserve, Esso,” Smee said.
The fight was practically over before it began. With the reflexes of an assassin, the swiftness of an architect, and the smarts of a KX droid working in unison, K-2SO was a sight to behold. Deadly, beautiful, a damn bloody ballet dancer. In a matter of moments, Esso’s four limbs worked smoothly and effectively to cut down the two weequay. Saws and pincers and fists met flesh n’ bone like they were paper machete filled with candy.
A severed arm flew into the Vault.
“Ewww…” Jukebox said, backing away from the limb.
“Ew?" Esso balked, holding one of the squirming weequay in the air. "You're a torture droid!"
"My clients never bled this much," Jukebox objected, hiding behind Smee. "A little trickle of blood from the ears, sometimes their eyes, but this...this is too messy."
Esso threw the remaining weequay down and though his body blocked Smee's view, by the sound of it the pirate met a very brutal ending. When Esso turned around, blood staining his armor, appendages still held high, his eyes glowed in a way Smee had never seen on any droid before. So bright...so alive.
“Did you see what I just did?” Esso asked.
"Aye, that we did. Bravo, Esso!" Smee clapped.
Jukebox chimed a triumphant tune.
Esso bowed low, sweeping all four of his limbs back graciously. “Thank you, thank you. I owe it all to-”
Another weequay appeared in the doorway, cutting off Esso's award speech.
“Look out!” Jukebox shouted.
Esso slammed the kyber statue into the weequay's head, taking him down instantly...but not before the weequay could fire off a single shot. The blaster bolt sizzled past Esso’s head and slammed into a bookcase. It didn't hit a book. There was a burst of sparks and an electricial hiss...
...then the vault door slid shut, with Smee and Jukebox still inside.
“Smee!”
Smee could hear the crackle of Esso’s whirring blades and the hammering of fists against the vault door.
“No use, matey,” Smee said. “Vault only opens one way.”
“Well that way is currently-”
More blaster fire cut off Esso’s words. Smee could hear more pirates cursing in Huttese, and Kay shooting back snarky replies.
“Etchu-tah!”
“I don't suppose that's Huttese for ‘I surrender to you, scary pirate droid’?”
“Eat bolts, clanker!”
“I don't even have a mouth!”
There was a crunch and a crack…and a loud whirr followed by several shrill cries.
“It sounds like our Esso’s winning,” Jukebox said. It floated closer to Smee until its dome pressed against his shoulder.
Smee put a hand on Jukebox's dome. He wasn’t worried about Esso handling himself, but he was worried about what would come next, after the fighting was over.
When the chaos quieted, Esso knocked three times on the vault door. “So, I have good news and bad news."
“Good news first!” Jukebox called out.
“The good news is, these added appendages do a lot of damage to organics. A lot of damage. It’s very satisfying.”
“And the bad news?” Smee asked, though he already knew the answer.
“One of the pirates destroyed the third lock to this vault.”
“Can ye fix it?”
“I'll need tools from the Cinder, which-”
Suddenly, there was silence.
“Esso?”
“I…have to go. I hear footsteps, lots of them. Um…you’re probably safe. It's best you wait here. I’ll…be back.”
Alarms blared in Smee’s memory banks. Tak Rennod’s words ringing in his head.
“Ye best be waitin’ here, SM-33. ”
"But Captain..."
Smee blinked out of the memory. “Esso, wait...”
“I have to go.”
“I know just…” Smee pressed his forehead against the door. “Don’t forget what I taught ye - Live yer life how ye want. Its yer choice now, not somethin' a human wants, not a program to follow. Yer truly free.”
There was silence on the other side of the door. Then heavy footsteps clanked out of the room and faded away.
“But, Captain,” SM-33 had said all those years ago. “Where ye go, I go.”
“Not this time. I'm switchin' ye off now, but don't worry I’ll be back. And when ye wake up, we’ll be the richest pirates that ever did sail the inky black galaxy.”
There was shouting, more blaster fire, but there were also more voices. Some in Huttese, and some in Basic.
“Sounds like the Republic caught wind of the pirates.”
“Do you think they caught our Esso?” Jukebox asked.
“Can’t tell from here…” Smee went to one corner of the vault and made himself comfortable on the floor. Jukebox followed, hovering low beside him. “Sorry your piratin’ days were cut short.”
“Just delayed,” Jukebox said. “When Esso comes back to get us, we can resume where we left off. This was very fun.”
Smee knew the truth of it. Odds were, K-2SO wasn’t coming back.
“Aye,” he said, instead. “Just delayed.”
“What?!” Jukebox’s photoreceptor flared red, its pincers clicking in the air. “I know when you’re lying, Captain! What aren’t you telling me?”
“Now, now, no need for interrogations now, little one. We need to rest our energy cells.”
Jukebox’s appendages suddenly wilted, hanging limply below its dome. “You don’t think Esso is coming back for us.”
Smee hesitated, then let out an audible sigh emulating an exasperated pirate’s lungs. “K-2SO has the Purple Pufferpig all to himself. He’ll get out of this manor, he’ll look down at the prize in his hands, and he’ll have a choice to make. On one hand, he could come back for us, risk himself, and we split the rewards as planned. On the other hand, if he doesn’t come back, he’s got a quarter of a million credits to himself. Credits can cast a spell on anyone, organic or otherwise. Any pirate worth their salt would take the credits and run."
“Is that what you would’ve done?” Jukebox asked.
Smee didn't have to think about this. “No. Never.”
Jukebox hovered for a moment, hypno-strip flashing briefly. “I believe you. I wouldn’t have done that either. We’re pirates, yes, but we’re droid pirates. We have a better code than the organics. We don’t leave our crew to rust.”
“I don’t recall makin’ that code.”
Jukebox sank into Smee’s lap, tucking its long spindly legs beneath it. “...Well can you add to your code? Please?”
Smee patted Jukebox’s dome. “Tell ye what, if our Esso comes through…it’ll be the first line of the Pirate Droid Code. Right above ‘We don't do nothin’ if it ain't unanimous.’”
“‘We never leave a shipmate to wallow in its own sorrows.’” Jukebox added.
Smee laughed. "Ye paid attention! Alright fair enough.”
“...Captain Smee?”
“Aye?”
“If…he doesn’t come back. What will happen to us?”
Smee was hoping Jukebox wouldn’t ask. “Well, lil’un, we’re safe enough from pirates and Republic officers alike. The closed vault looks just like a bookshelf and even if they did know a vault was here, ye need three people on three working consoles to open it up.”
“So, we’re not…getting out?”
“Don’t you fret about that. Rest now and save your battery. Esso will be back in no time.”
“I know you’re lying,” Jukebox said, its vocoder low.
“Ah, right…I’m sorry.”
“Can you…lie again?”
Smee had never felt his Life preservation programming kick into gear for another droid before. Didn't make much sense considering most folks needed protection from an interrogation droid. Still, Smee's alarms flared internally for Jukebox. He picked up the droid in his arms and held him against his armored chest. “Wont' be long now, Jukebox, by the time Esso gets us out of here, we’ll be the richest pirates that ever did sail the inky black galaxy.”