Warnings: discussions and illusions to noncon, grooming, child bride, and teenage pregnancy, truama, anxiety. This fic deals with alot of delicate topics, please let me know if I missed anything.
Notes: shoutout to my not on tumblr friend Ashley for beta reading! I love you so much!
Words: 5016
Series Master List | Author Master List
Journal Entry
May 2, 1994
We’re celebrating Birthdays this year. Big ones with balloons and music and people- whoever the kids want to invite…
I can do this.
Javier felt like a teenager picking a girl up for a date every time he tapped on the front door. He wasn’t sure why exactly, Jaime and Anna never seemed surprised to see him, nor did they question his repeated appearances in their home and around their dinner table. In fact, each time he knocked, it came with the reminder that he didn’t need to do so. He could just walk in willy nilly any time he pleased. He still knocked.
He and Emily spent a couple nights a week in one another’s company between Alejandra’s riding lessons and his visits to their house. Their budding friendship was something he treasured. He still didn’t understand why she picked him to trust, but he understood the weight of that trust. He wanted to be worthy of it, and slowly, he was starting to believe he might be.
Mostly, it felt good to have a friend. Javier wasn’t sure he’d had one in a long time. There was Steve he supposed, but he was back in Miami now. He called once a month to talk. Steve usually ended up talking about Olivia for 15 minutes, dancing around his continued employment with the DEA while Javier gave him one-word responses. He refused Steve’s invitation to visit each time.
He knocked a second time. Still no answer. He could hear music thrumming inside. Javier sighed, squaring his shoulders as he twisted the door knob. It gave way.
Music played loudly throughout the house. Alejandra squealed, rushing by Javier in a fit of screams and wet curls. Jaime chased after her. Miguelito jumped on the couch shirtless and dancing. Mateo rushed out of the bathroom bare as the day he was born and down the hall, as Emily emerged holding a towel. Water soaked her front. He chuckled to himself, toeing his shoes off. No one seemed to take notice of his presence yet, too engrossed in their own activities. Javi had heard of the chaos of bath night, the event the family had turned it into, but had yet to witness it until tonight.
“Mami! Look!” Miguelito called. She turned to catch sight of her oldest child jumping into the air, hitting a pose as he did before landing on his feet rocking a little to catch his balance.
“Bravo!” Emily said, shouting over the music and Alejandra continued squeals. “9/10. You gotta stick the landing, mijo.”
“I’ll keep practicing.”
Emily gave him a thumbs up. Javier chuckled as her eyes finally reached him. Surprise flashed across her features before a soft smile overtook it. She held up a hand, fingers wiggling in hello.
Javier raised his own hand with a grin. Emily held up a single finger as if to say give me a minute then followed Mateo down the hall.
By the time Emily made her resurgence, Javier had been pulled into Ale and Jaime’s intense game of cat and mouse. Miguelito joined in, wrapping his limbs around his grandpa’s leg to slow him down as Alejandra climbed up Javier’s back for safety as she shouted out directions on how to avoid her Abuelo. It was utter chaos and confusion and Javier enjoyed every second being let into the family’s little tradition.
There was a certain intimacy to these moments. He didn’t just have access, but open access, an invitation to open the door anytime he desired and be welcomed into their home and whatever was happening.
“Alright, you two, time to get your teeth brushed!” Emily said.
A chorus of groans rose between the two. Javier swung around to face her, a pout forming on his lips as if he was going to join in with the children’s protest. Emily’s eyes narrowed at him as if to say don’t you dare.
Before he had the chance, Jaime interrupted it. “Come on you two. If we get this done quick, I bet I can fish up an old story for y’all. How does that sound?”
“Sweet!” Miguelito hopped up, giving Javier a high-five, and crashing into his mother with his arms stretched wide.
Emily let out a grunt, lips pressing to her eldest child’s forehead as she tousselled his freshly dried curls. “You’re gonna knock me over one of these days, Kiddo. Te amo.”
He grinned back in response, kissing her cheek. “Te amo, Mami.” He said, flying toward his room.
Alejandra wrapped her arms tighter around Javier's neck, cutting off his airflow for a second. “Not so tight, Alejandrina.” He said in Spanish without a second thought.
She instantly loosened her grip, responding in the same language. “I’m sorry!”
Something tugged at Emily’s heart at the quick exchange. Spanish and English were used interchangeably within their home. She knew it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, but having another person come into their home and speak it felt intimate, like he was acclimating into their family, and she liked it. Something bloomed in her chest, but she tucked it away to discover another day.
“Buenas noches, Mr. Javi.” Alejandra said, kissing his cheek before she slid down his back.
“Buenas noches.” He smiled, watching her run toward her mother.
“Mami, I want you to tuck me in. Not Abuelo.”
“I suppose I can manage that.” Emily winked at her, ushering the girl down the hall.
She looked back at Javier who motioned toward the back door, letting her know that’s where he would be. She nodded before following Ale.
Alejandra only required a few minutes of her mother’s time which Emily was more than happy to give. The bedtime routine was something she’d always treasured, drawing it out when they were in Mexico. It was one of the few things she had almost always been able to do- get it together enough to wish her kids goodnight, ensuring her face was the last they saw before shutting their eyes. She stopped in the boys’ room next to grant final sweet dreams and kisses.
When the kids were settled, Emily followed Javier’s steps outside. She settled next to him on her swing. Their shoulders brushed and thighs pressed against each other. It came almost as second nature to her now. There were no jumps or anxiety when they touched. In fact, she found slices of comfort in it. Yet, Javier hadn’t tried to hold her hand or touch her knee since December even as their friendship progressed.
“Your shirt is wet.”
Emily looked down at the damp mass of fabric sticking to her stomach. “Yeah…Mateo still enjoys surprise splash attacks, and Alejandra can’t hold still when I wash her hair. I really should start doing that in the sink.”
Javier chuckled. “Let me know if you get cold. We can go inside.”
She shrugged. “It’s warm tonight.”
He nodded, head falling back with a sigh. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “What I wouldn’t give for a cigarette, right now.” He’d stopped smoking two weeks ago. The longest two weeks of his life.
“Long day?”
“Fence got washed out with the storm again. I spent all day fixing it.”
“Watching the boats,” she finished.
Javier opened an eye almost in annoyance. He wanted them to not annoy him. He wanted to forget all about the drug war and the cocaine coming across the border in waves, but he couldn’t. It was like an obsession. Escobar was dead, but he knew if he looked it up, he’d find that just as much, if not more, cocaine was still smuggled into the US.
“You don’t have to act like it doesn’t bother you, Javier.”
“Why doesn’t it bother you?”
She takes a deep breath, rolling the thought over in her mind. There are a lot of things that bother her, a lot of things that trigger her, but seeing those boats wasn’t one of them. “I don’t know.” Emily shrugs. “Maybe because I was so far removed from that aspect of things. Because maybe they’re just pawns in the grand scheme of things… like I was.”
Javier picks his head back up, looking at her straight on. He’d seen many people taken advantage of in the drug war, seen people killed. He used to think that everyone involved had a choice, but the longer the war raged on, the more people he met, and the more people who died, he started to think differently. Even the people who “had a choice” didn’t really, not the lowest on the totem pole or their bosses even, and not those struggling in the communas. Despite all this, the boats still bothered him.
“Why does it bother you?”
Javier swallowed, contemplating it. He wasn’t sure he had an answer, at least not one he was proud of or willing to admit to, not even to himself. Then, there was the offer from the DEA to go back. The offer came in a week ago. They wanted him to take down The Cali Cartel, even offered him a bigger salary with a fancier title. More important to Javier, it was a do-over, a chance to do things the right away. He hadn’t told anyone about the offer yet.
“Next topic,” he shot her a grin, but Emily saw through it. She found the flashes of pain in his big brown eyes, and she let it go. Far be it for her to force someone to talk about a painful time in their life.
“You’re not as fun since you quit smoking.” Emily rolled her eyes.
“Withdrawl’s a bitch.”Javier chuckled, bouncing his shoulder against hers.
She huffed out a laugh, shaking her head. “Hey, you’re coming to Miguelito’s birthday party on Saturday, right?”
“Wouldn’t miss it.” Javier gazed at the stars above. “He’s turning 10, right?”
“Yeah,” Emily said, wrapping her arms around herself. “A whole decade.”
Javier caught the trail of her voice. She wasn’t distracted by the details of balloons and cake and presents. No, this was something else. Javier wished he was insightful enough to guess what exactly she was thinking of, but he didn’t know enough. She’d only scratched the surface of the nightmares of her life. He knew she was back in Mexico. He saw it in the rigidness of her shoulders and the distance in her eyes in the fading dusk.
He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees in an attempt to catch her eyes. He eased his thigh away from her cautious of potential triggers.
“Don’t.” Her hand shot out, landing inside his knee.
Javier furrowed his brow as she turned to meet his eyes. He still saw the glazed-over look in her eyes like she wasn’t seeing him, but pictures from her past. Her nails raked nervously against his denim jeans, against his thigh. She chewed her lip, balancing the precarious line between worlds.
His thigh eased back against hers slowly- delicately. As the warmth seeped back in, some of the tension released from her rigid frame, but her hand stayed glued to his thigh.
“Each year, I realize a little more how young I actually was.”
“You were 16?”
“Not even.”
Javier’s eyes widened. Emily managed to catch it through the fog. Tears shone in her eyes. Javier fought the urge to wipe them away. He forgot how young she was when it started- how young she still was.
“I got pregnant so fast. He was born a couple weeks before my 16th birthday.”
Emily nails caught on the seam of denim, but Javier paid it no mind. He only focused on her. “Seems like it makes birthdays a lot harder.”
She nodded. “I hope they don’t see it. I never want them to see it.”
Javier held out his hand in a gentle offering. She took it. He smiled and squeezed her hand trying to push out the way he missed her touch on his thigh. Her eyes cleared a bit. His thumb ran back and forth over her knuckle. “All I see when you look at those kids is how much you adore them.”
Emily's lips tipped up in a soft smile. “Thank you, Javi.”
“Anything you need this weekend, just tell me. I’m all yours.”
Something squeezed at his heart as he spoke the words. Hers. While he didn’t understand it, she liked having him around, and he would stay around as long as she allowed. If he ever were to atone for his sins, maybe here was where he started.
“I’m not sure you know what you’re signing up for. This is a birthday. It’s a big deal.” Emily laughed. Her hand slipped from his. “And it’s a 10th birthday party. It’s an especially big deal.”
“I am at your disposal, Darlin.”
Emily bit her lip. She knew what she wanted, but could she really ask for it? Was she really truly bringing another person into her safety net? It felt almost like a dream.
“There is one thing- it might sound strange.”
“You may have more to tell me that might be strange, but I promise, Musteña. This probably isn’t it.”
Emily’s brows furrowed at the new nickname, but she managed to stay on task. “Come early? Stay close to me the whole time?” She took a deep breath. It felt weird to ask him for help, but good. “Miguelito invited his whole class and then some. There’s going to be a lot of people and-”
“Done.” He answered without hesitation.
“Really?”
“It’s not a strange request at all, Musteña.”
Emily cocked her head to the side. “You’re making me feel like I haven’t spoken Spanish most of my life, Javier.”
Javier shrugged, a smile playing off his lips. “It’s an older word, not used very often, but ranchers and cowboys used to use it to describe a wild horse.”
“So a mustanga?”
“No- not exactly. Musteña is a horse who was tamed and branded.” The breeze caught one of her curls. Javier’s fingers itched to tuck it back, but he resisted. “But broke free and became wild again.”
Emily would be lying if she said it didn’t send an unfamiliar thrill through her veins. She’d noticed these moments here and there where it felt like the air between her and Javier shifted. Where a tug pulled her toward him a little more, they were brief and fleeting, never lasting long enough for her to think more of them.
Javier, however, hung on each of those moments. Those moments made him feel truly alive, like he only existed in their shared spaces, waiting on the edge of his seat for it to happen again. He did his best to shove those moments into the recesses of his brain. He chose not to dwell on them when he could help it, but he’d noticed himself pulling them up more and more frequently as he and Emily learned more about each other. She made him want to be better, not only for her but for himself.
“That is very profound, Peña.” Emily smiled, her head leaning toward him. “Flattering even.”
“Don’t sound so surprised.” His lips tipped up. “I’m capable of deep thoughts from time to time.”
“I know you are.” Emily winked, easing back against the swing, breaking eye contact. She expected the tension to break then, but it lingered under the surface this time, spiking her heart rate. She wasn’t sure if it was excitement or anxiety or the fine line between them.
“What are your plans for your birthday then?” Javier said.
“What?”
“You said your birthday is coming up. What are your plans?”
“I don’t celebrate my birthday.”
“You just said birthdays are a big deal.”
“Yeah, except mine-”
“Not this year.”
“Javier-”
“Nope- We’re going out. We’re going to celebrate.”
“Oh yes, because taking me to be around a lot of strangers sounds like a fantastic idea.”
“I never said I was going to do that to you.” Javier winks, big brown eyes shimmering with mischief. “You know I wouldn’t.”
“But you’re up to something.”
“Doesn’t matter what I’m up to ‘cause you trust me.”
Emily narrowed her eyes at him. “I’m beginning to regret that decision.”
Javier laughed. “There’s no going back now.
On Saturday, Javier arrived at the Kuykendall residence two hours before the party was set to begin. He picked up the helium balloons on his way into town and an extra gallon of ice cream at Emily’s request.
Javier didn’t bother with the front door when he arrived, following the many voices of the Kuykendall brood through the back gate. Jaime had all three children helping him carry cups and plates and utensils to the folding tables. Blue table clothes flapped in the wind. Streamers adorned the fence that enclosed the yard.
“Mr. Javi!” Alejandra squealed, rushing toward him the moment she laid eyes on him, her stack of party plates haphazardly tossed on the table.
“Good morning.”
“Look at all those balloons!”
“Enough to make you fly away, Alejandrina..” He chuckled, tying the bundle securely around her wrist.
“And enough chocolate ice cream for all of us!” Miguelito yelled, eagerly taking the large container.
“Straight to your Abuela,” Jaime instructed, bringing up the rear. “No pit stops.” He stared down his grandson who laughed mischievously.
Javier locked eyes with Jaime, “I’m guessing a pit stop is the reason for the ice cream?”
Jaime nodded. “Yesterday was quite the day in the Kuykendall household.”
“Em?”
Jaime pointed to the far comer of the backyard where his daughter kneeled next to the flower beds, hands buried in the dirt. “Helps calm her.”
Javier nodded, taking her in.
“But so do you.”
Javier’s eyes snapped to his friend’s. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but was unable to find anything of value across Jaime’s face.
Anna called out for her husband, pulling Jaime away. Javier took a steading breath. Walking over, he kneeled next to her picking up on her quiet mumbles. She wasn’t saying anything coherent, a jumbled mix of English and Spanish, but he heard it in her voice, the anxiety raging inside.
“Hey.”
Emily’s head snapped toward him. “I think this is a mistake. I’m not ready for all these people.”
Javier’s head cocked to the side. He held out his hand. She stared at it before placing her dirt-covered hand in his.
Javie’s face crinkled, fingers beginning to work into her palms. “You couldn’t wear gloves.”
“I like feeling the dirt under my hands. It’s cool.” She said, “It calms me.”
Javier’s hands continued, moving up and down her fingers. Javier watched as her shoulders began to drop. “I’ve got you, Em. The whole day.”
“Promise?” She let out a deep breath.
“Promise.” Javier winked, pulling a smile to her lips.
“Okay,” Emily said, rising to her feet. “This doesn’t need to be done right now.”
“Looks beautiful.” Javier’s eyes never traveled to the flower bed.
Emily’s brow pinched together for a brief second. Javier swallowed, not sure where the words came from. Hands brushed against his jeans, dirt spilling back to the earth.
“I should go get changed,” Emily said, glancing down at her clothes.
“Want me to stand outside the door?”
She laughed, head falling back. It made Javier smile. “I think I’ll be okay, but I appreciate the offer.”
Emily and Javier stood in the backyard as people filed in. People Emily recognized from parent pick-ups and other school events, but didn’t know. She seldom talked to other parents. There were two she could say she knew. The mother of Miguelito’s best friend and the mother of Ale & Mateo’s best friends.
“I’m here, Alejandrina. You can play with me.” Javier said with a teasing lilt.
Alejandra rolled her eyes. “But you’re not Jackie.” She crossed her arms, hip jutted out.
Javier mimicked her stance, which wasn’t that different from his usual one. “But I’m just as cool.”
“Nu-uh.”
“Yu-huh,” Javier shot back. Emily stifled a laugh.
“Nu-uh.” Ale upped the sass, nearly breaking Javier’s straight face.
“I thought we were-”
“Jackie!” Alejandra gasped, cutting him off as she darted toward the gate in pursuit of her best friend.
“Well, I feel like chopped liver.” Javier said, smoothing down his mustache as he watched Ale embrace a little girl about her height.
“Don’t take it personally, No one can compare with Jackie.” Emily laughed, nudging his arm. “Not even you.”
“And here I thought I was her favorite person.”
Emily laughed.“I’m gonna go say hi to her parents.”
“Oh, so you actually know this kid’s parents?”
Emily rolled her eyes, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. Javier smiled back. She looked the most at ease he’d seen her all day. “Believe it or not, I know more people than just you.”
“But I’m still your only friend right?”
“You jealous, Javier?”
Javier rolled his eyes, sipping on the beer in his hand, hanging back to watch her cross the lawn. Emily raised a hand in greeting as an adult emerged through the gate, but his focus stayed on her watching for any signs of discomfort in the sea of people surrounding them.
“Lorraine!” Emily called.
Javier held the beer in his mouth, shifting his eyes to the newcomers. In the milliseconds it took his brain to process the scene, he tried to convince himself it wasn’t possible, that he was jumping to conclusions. Yet he didn’t even need to see her face to know it was her, HIS Lorraine. His heart rate kicked up a gear. It wasn’t that he still had feelings for her. Those were long gone. It was that she represented everything he’d walked away from 10 years ago and now, she smiled at Emily with familiarity.
Without thought, his feet carried him toward them. Lorraine greeted Emily with a smile and wave and nothing more. So they knew each other well enough that Lorraine knew not to offer physical touch. Despite the obvious comfort Emily displayed with his ex-fiance, he couldn’t help but join her side like a guard dog protecting what belonged to him.
Randy held out his hand, appearing harmless enough, but Javier caught the tension cut through her like a knife. Javier joined Emily’s side just in time to intercept the gesture. He plastered an obnoxious grin on his face, taking Randy’s hand with more force than necessary. “Randy, it’s good to see you again.”
Emily startled at the unusual pitch of his voice. Lorraine’s eyes widened.
“Javi,” Lorraine said in shock.
Randy’s brow furrowed as he let the man shake his hand. “Javier.”
He turned to Lorraine, nodding his head in acknowledgment. “Lorraine.”
Emily glanced between them. She suddenly felt out of the loop, a stranger in her own backyard. “Y’all know each other?”
Randy’s arm slid around his wife’s waist staring Javier down. His demeanor changed instantly. Emily sensed the tension seeping in, picking up on the pissing match going on between the men.
“Something like that.” Lorraine gave Javier a once-over. He still wore that animated grin that looked alien to Emily. “How do the two of you know each other?”
“We’re friends,” Javier said.
A loud snort left Lorraine’s body. Javier’s eyes snapped to her, dropping his facade. She tried to cover it with a cough, but only left Emily more confused as Lorraine refused to look her way.
“There’s plenty of food on the tables over there. Feel free to help yourselves.” Emily forced a smile, tucking her hands into her front pockets.
“Thanks,” Lorraine said, beginning to pull Randy away with her. “We’ll talk later.”
Randy’s eyes stayed locked on Javier until he was forced to look away. Emily glanced between the two men before squaring up with Javier. “What the fuck was that?” She smacked his shoulder, catching Javier off guard.
“Huh?”
“How do you know Lorraine?”
Javier sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Emily folded her arms across her chest. “It’s a long story-”
“A long story or one you don’t want to tell? Cause Randy looked at you like he wanted you six feet under.”
He raised an eyebrow. “I may or may not have left Lorraine on our wedding day.”
“You had a fiance?” Emily’s jaw dropped. “And you left her at the fucking alter?”
“Well, I never made it to the church-”
“How have you never told me about this?”
“It never really came up.”
Emily looked up at him as if to say really?
Javier felt his defenses rise slightly. “Not really the proudest moment of my life.”
“Yes, because that’s the worst thing you’ve ever done.” Emily fought back the teasing grin emerging on her face. “You had a whole ass fiance and didn’t tell me.”
“You didn’t tell me you knew her.”
“How was I supposed to tell you I knew your ex-fiance when you didn’t tell me you had one?”
Javier brushed it off. “You didn’t tell me you had other friends.”
“You are jealous!”
“I’m sorry if I don’t like that my best friend is friends with my ex-fiance.”
“Best friend?” Emily’s eyes went wide as she succumbed to the smile.
Javier swallowed as if he realized what he actually said. He hadn’t really come up with the thought before, but looking over their relationship, he knew it was the truth. Other than his father, there was no one he spent more time with. His friends from before had moved on with life. Most of them were married now as he lived the life as an eternal bachelor. A reputation he’d owned since he left Lorraine at the wedding chapel.
He rolled his eyes, shaking it off. He needed to spend the night at a bar with some buddies. Maybe some from his days on the force. “Don’t let it go to your head now.”
“Too late. I know about your ex-fiance now. You can’t get rid of me.”
“You still gonna be friends with her?”
“Only to bother you.” Emily teased. “And because our kids are best friends.”
“Yeah, I’m gonna have to talk to Ale about that one.”
“Oh, don’t be a grump.” Emily bumped her shoulder against his.
Javier narrowed his eyes at her, but he couldn’t keep it up. She was enjoying this. She looked relaxed and comfortable, and she was standing closer than normal. Close enough he caught a whiff of her perfume, a scent he typically only caught when they sat shoulder to shoulder in the backyard. He wanted to wrap an arm around her waist and pull her flush against him like they were a couple or something. He wanted Lorraine to know that Emily was his.
“Javier?”
“What?” He snapped from his thoughts.
“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” Emily’s eyes had softened from their teasing gleam to one of empathy. “If you don’t want to be around Lorraine and Randy- I understand.”
“No,” It rushed from his mouth before he could think of something better to say. “No, we’re all adults. That was 10 years ago. I want to be here.”
Emily smiled. “Good.”
Lorraine kept her distance from Emily throughout the afternoon, mostly to avoid Javier. However, Emily caught Lorraine’s eye on them more than once.
It wasn’t until Emily slipped inside that Lorraine approached him, the same subtle smirk painted on her lip that he always remembered. “How is it you always seem to show up, Javi?”
His hand fell to his hip, the other one reaching for the pack of cigarettes that no longer sat in his shirt pocket. He wanted to bang his head against the wall. “I was here first.”
Lorraine flipped her own pack open. “Want one?”
“I quit a few weeks ago.” Javi pulled the Nicorette gum from his shirt pocket, holding it up for her to see.
Lorraine’s eyebrows popped up. “Well, miracles do exist. Guess that makes you better than me now.” She lit her cigarette. “But really.. What are you doing here?”
“I’m a friend of the family.”
“And that’s why you’ve been glued to Emily’s side the whole morning.”
“She asked me to keep close.”
“Emily who jumps every time a man comes near her? Asked you? To keep close?”
Javier bristled. Lorraine’s tone bothered him. Like she thought he wasn’t worthy of Emily’s time, or was playing some kind of game with her. “Does it shock you that much to know I have friends?”
She took a pull from her cigarette, letting it billow over her head. “Let’s be real, Javi. You don’t have the reputation for being friends with women.”
“It’s been a long time since I was here. Things change.” It was bullshit. Javier had built himself the same legend back in Colombia, but Lorraine didn’t know that. Loredo didn’t know that.
Lorraine quirked an eyebrow, suspicion reading in her face. “That’s what they say.”
Javier clenched his fists, looking for a way out of the conversation. Jackie called out for her mom, pulling the woman’s attention away for a brief moment. Before Lorraine left, she left him with final words. “Just don’t hurt her.”
Javier sipped his beer, knuckles white around the bottle. The snide comments hurt, but the woman he left at the chapel voicing his biggest fears pierced through all his defenses. It was a targeted assault at the only chink in his armor.
The back door slid open. “Hey,” Emily’s smiling face peaked out “Can you help me with the cake?”
He didn’t respond, finishing off his beer as he looked out across the yard. He took in the festivities, feeling oddly removed from them.
“Javier?” Emily cocked her head to the side. He spun around wearing a look of disinvolvement. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
Emily didn’t believe him, concern lacing her brow.
“I’m good.” He tossed the empty beer bottle, clapping his hands together with a forced smile. “Let’s get this cake out.”
He brushed past her, leaving Emily to wonder how he ever survived Colombia with such a shit poker face.
Warnings: Anxiety. References to panic attacks. Bad dreams. Talk about real life drug lords (Narcos TV interpretations). References/Ilusions to Trauma, PTSD, grooming, & abuse. some angst? no comfort?
Words: 2,446
Series Master List | Author Master List
He raced through the comuna adrenaline pumping in his veins. He chased and chased the figure, never catching him, never gaining any ground. His heart pounded in his chest. Sweat dripped down his head. The shirt he wore clung to his skin. He rounded a corner, but there was no perp. He wasn’t in the winding maze of the comuna anymore. He was back in Texas in a spacious backyard. He could hear her panicked gasps for breath, a crumpled ball on the ground, Anna running past him, his feet frozen to the ground. He struggled to catch his breath. It seemed to play on a loop: Emily was always there on the ground, Anna always rushing toward her, his feet unmoving.
His breathing sped up. Panic started to overtake him. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t look away as Emily choked for air. It took him longer to realize he did the same. Darkness edged at his peripheral creeping inward. He couldn’t catch his damn breath. He felt lightheaded. The last thing he saw before the darkness took over was Emily on the ground.
Javier sat up. His chest heaved. Crickets chirped outside his bedroom window. Bedsheets twisted around his waist. His skin was sticky with sweat. The sheets felt damp beneath him.
He froze. Javier Peña didn’t freeze, and someone suffered for it. How many more had to suffer because of the drug war? Even removed from it, the scars still shone red and angry.
He still couldn’t face Emily. It had been months since Escobar was killed. She brought Alejandra for riding lessons every week. He always found a reason to be gone. He’d passed them in the driveway a handful of times. He couldn’t even look her way.
-
Journal Entry
April 8, 1994
5 years feels like a lifetime and just yesterday.
Dad thinks we should celebrate. I just want the day to pass without thinking about it. The kids are grumpy, even Mateo. It’s like they just know somehow.
We’re going out to the Ranch tonight for Alejandra’s riding lesson. I usually leave the boys at home, but I’m going to bring them this time. I think it will be good for all of us.
Dust drifted around the car as they filed out. Alejandra darted straight to the riding rink. The boys pooled around her. Emily expected to find Chucho in the rink, but instead landed a figure in jeans a size too small.
“Mr. Javi!” Alejandra smiled brightly.
Javier turned from saddling Hurricane. He smiled, but his movements were stiff. “Alejandrina!”
Ale asked if they would see him before every lesson. Emily usually changed the subject. The closest she’d come to laying eyes on him since December was when they passed each other in the driveway.
Emily tried to put it out of her head. It shouldn’t bother her. They weren’t friends, but it had felt like maybe they could’ve been. He knew more about her than most people. Apparently, he drew the line at panic attacks. That was good to know.
“Are you doing my lesson this week?”
“I am.” He pushed his sunglasses up on his nose. “Pops is out of commission for the next few weeks.”
“Good lord, Javier.” They heard Chucho before they saw him. He hobbled out of the barn on crutches. “I’ve hurt my foot, I’m not completely useless.”
“What happened?” Ale asked.
“I stepped in a hole.” The older man rolled his eyes. “Doc says I fractured my foot. Lucky for you, Javier is quite the horseman.”
Javier forced another smile. The light lens of his sunglasses allowed Emily to see his eyes. He looked around her and past her. Emily pretended not to notice and crossed her arms. It shouldn’t bother her. They weren’t friends. She shouldn’t be hurt by his reaction.
“Chucho, can I practice with the lasso?” Miguelito said. Mateo bounced on his feet next to his older brother.
“Of course, you know where to find everything.”
“Thank you.” He took off, Mateo hot on his heels.
“No hog-tying your brother!” Emily called after them. “Or tying of any kind!” She wasn’t sure they even heard her.
Chucho laughed. “He's getting quick with it.”
“Too quick.” Emily narrowed her eyes at the older man. “Maybe I’ll send him out here. He can put those skills to good use instead of chasing his brother around the yard.”
“Perfect, he can help Javier out while my foot gets better.”
“Miguelito, give it back!” Alejandra said.
Emily’s head snapped toward the barn. Inside, her eldest held the riding helmet above his head, just out of his sister’s reach.
“Miguel.” Firm and simple, her command was clear.
He jumped. Emily hated the look that flashed in his eyes. Their power struggles had mostly dissipated, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t return. She had a feeling he knew what that name felt like on her tongue. She prayed she was wrong.
He handed the helmet to Alejandra, not meeting his mother’s eyes.
“I found it!” Mateo lifted the lasso above his head and Miguelito dashed after him brushing past her and narrowly avoiding Javier.
Emily cursed internally. She fought the urge to run after him. She couldn’t approach him around others and pull him away from the group. That never worked. He would shut down. He needed the stillness of a quiet house just the two of them.
“Sorry-”
“Don’t apologize. They’re kids.” Javier said. She still noted the way he looked past her.
Emily pulled Alejandra in front of her. “We’re all in rare form today,” she sighed, quickly sectioning Ale’s hair into two, then braiding the first one.
Chucho hobbled in, a sympathetic smile on his face.“Don’t worry about it, dear. We know.”
Emily forced a smile as Alejandra fidgeted. “Hold still, Mija. I don’t want to pull your hair.”
Javier looked at his father for answers. What exactly was he supposed to know?
Chucho pointed to the calendar on the stable wall. Javier looked at it still not making heads or tails of his father’s cryptic message. Chucho hadn’t written anything on the calendar. Did it have something to do with the date? Most of the time, Javier wasn’t sure what day of the week it was.
He’d gone into the supply store on Wednesday. That was two days ago. His eyes scanned the calendar. April 8th. A small pang settled in his chest. Everyone in the damn DEA knew April 8th.
“Okay, all braided up,” Emily said.
Javier’s head snapped her way. He finally looked at her. Sunglasses sat on top of her head revealing dark circles under her eyes. She looked comfortable enough in her environment, but her shoulders sagged. Tension creased her forehead. Her eyes flickered out toward the yard where the boys played. She twirled Alejandra’s braid.
She knew April 8th too. Of course, she did. She probably knew it better than anyone. Had she been there when they captured Felix? What had it felt like? She looked up, catching him dead in the eye. Javier swallowed, feeling like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Emily’s head titled to the side.
“Are you ready, Mr Javi?”
He looked down at the girl. “Sure am, Alejandrina.” He clapped, forcing a smile onto his face. Suddenly aware of the delicate space he’d been brought into. How did he keep getting pulled into this? He proved himself unworthy last time. He couldn’t be trusted.
“Helmet, Mija.” Emily remembered before Ale could dash out of the barn.
Alejandra grabbed it rushing out. Javier followed close behind.
Emily sat on the mounting block as Alejandra rode around the rink watching as Alejandra diligently followed all of Javier’s instructions. She was becoming quite the equestrian. Emily didn’t have the words to describe it, but there was nothing like watching your child grow into their own in a hobby that brought them life.
Her eyes flickered over to the boys nicely taking turns with the lasso. Chucho had shown them to the shed where they’d rolled out barrels and stands to practice their aim. An argument had yet to break out between them. She was convinced Miguelito was only sharing so nicely to one up his younger brother.
“I pulled a few extra steaks out for dinner.” Chucho settled next to her, observing the lesson.
“You didn’t have to-“
He waved his hand in the air as if he was shooing her off. Emily bit back a smile. “You’re staying for dinner, Mija.”
Emily knew there was no room for argument with Chucho. It was oddly relieving. He made the decision so she didn’t have to. “Okay.”
-
Chucho wouldn’t let Emily help him in the kitchen. Try as she might, he simply shooed her out everytime, even kicking her away with his crutch once. She felt useless as the kids played a card game contently at the table. She didn’t know how that happened. They’d been at each other’s throats all day.
“Chucho, please let me help you.” She sighed. Her hands itched to do something. It was the anxiety.
“Why don’t you take Javier a drink? That boy was wound tighter than a stripped screw when he went out.” He looked back at her. “You could use one too.”
Emily huffed glancing out the sliding glass doors. Javier stood over the grill, waiting for the charcoal to get to temperature. He was hardly a boy. This would be a great chance to talk to him, figure out what’s going on. She looked back at the kids,
“I’ll call you if they get into trouble,” Chucho said.
It was enough for her. She grabbed two beers from the fridge and headed outside.
The patio felt different under the golden sun. Not in a bad way, but just different. Javier didn’t look up from the grill. He caught sight of her from his peripheral.
“Here.” Emily held out the bottle.
Javier accepted, eyes still trained away from hers. He popped the top off with relative ease, letting it wash down his throat.
Emily shifted her weight around, waiting for him to say something. It didn’t come.
Popping the lid from her bottle, she sipped the beverage. Beer wasn’t her top choice, but it isn’t awful. The grill sizzled as Javier moved the steaks from the plate to the hot metal.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
His attention wasn’t pulled from the task at hand. “No, I haven’t.”
“Bull shit and you know it.” She could feel the hurt beginning to set in. She didn’t like being hurt. There was no reason to let her feelings get involved.
“You have a standing appointment every Friday.”
“Who says I don't?”
“Then why won’t you look at me?”
Javier’s heart sank. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he heard it in her voice. He had.
She stared out at the field, sun setting in pink and gold. Emily’s heart raced with the unspoken words just sitting on the tip of her tongue. She didn’t do things like this. This was scary. This was asking to be hurt, but she let the words slip anyway.
“I felt safe with you, Javier.” She locked eyes with him. “That doesn’t happen often- especially not with men and I-“ Emily bit her lip. “I don’t want to lose that.”
Javier watched the steaks sizzle. How could she feel safe with him when he didn’t feel safe with himself? He couldn’t be trusted. He proved that when he worked with Los Pepes, when he failed to protect so many from the drug war.
“You shouldn’t.” He swallowed, Adam's apple bobbing. “I’m not a good person- I’m not safe. You know that.”
“You keep saying that-“
“Because it’s true.” He took a long swig from his beer, flipping the steaks.
Condensation cascaded down the side of your Amber bottle until it hung from the bottom, slowly increasing in size until it finally fell to the patio beneath your feet.
“I’m sorry.”
Emily cocked her head to the side. “For what exactly?”
“For-” Javier stuttered. A lump formed in his throat. “For the panic attack.” He couldn’t bring himself to look at her, watching the steaks as if they might burn at any second.
“Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”
He shifted from foot to foot, hand on his hip the other scratching his neck. He looked unsure of himself.
“Javier, you didn’t cause my panic attack.”
His head snapped up as if that thought never occurred to him. She read disbelief through his orange-tinted glasses. She’d said it so matter of factly and without hesitation. “What?”
“I have trauma. Sometimes I can fight the memories and latch onto the real world. Sometimes, they take over despite all rationalization. Escobar’s death, it just made everything a little more raw.”
“I asked you what you were thinking about, I started the spiral. It-”
“And I obliged. You didn’t force me to do anything.” Emily sighed, threading her fingers through her long curls. A dry chuckle left her throat. Confidence surged through her, a rare occurrence. Suddenly, the 5th anniversary of Felix’s arrest strengthened her. Five years was a long time and she was still here.
“God, I wish people would stop acting like their actions control me! You don’t. Just because I can’t always control myself doesn’t make you responsible for me! Or anyone else for that matter!”
Javier felt a slight smile overtake his face. The guilt relieved but didn’t go away completely. She seemed more self-assured than he’d ever seen her, not that he had a lot of history there.
“I’m not some inept, helpless foal.”
“You’re right.”
Emily looked back at him almost stunned by his response. Her eyes were wild like he’d grown to know, but there was no fear right now. This was different. This was bold and unbridled like a horse once caged, branded into submission, but now free. Musteña.
He wasn’t going to use the nickname. That felt too intimate. He didn’t want to spook her.
Were they even friends? He thought he may want that. His friend, Emily. It sounded good in his head, had a nice ring to it
“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you.” He adjusted his sunglasses with his pointer finger. “Maybe we could try this friend thing.”
“Friends, huh?” Emily crossed her arms.
Javier chuckled. “Can’t promise I’ll be a good one. Don’t have a lot of practice.”
“And you think I do?” Emily cracked a smile. “I’ve got one friend, and it’s my boss.”
“That’s one more than me.”
A laugh slipped from her lips pulling a smile across his face. Yeah, he could get used to this.
As my friend Ashley put it, "The hip really is the main character."
Comments are always welcome! I love hearing your thoughts and reactions!
Rating: Mature (Again probably more like pg-13 but with language)
Chapter Warnings: death, celebration of death (Padblo Escobar's), brief mentions of the violence in Colombia, mentions (no descriptions) of rape, kidnapping, & abuse. Mentions of power dynamics and underage- age gap, anxious stream of consciousness, anxiety/panic attack
Words: 2,817
Series Master List | Author Master List
Journal Entry
December 3, 1993
Pablo Escobar was killed yesterday. Dad’s having guys from the office come over tonight for drinks.
It seems weird to celebrate death like this, but I also understand it. Escobar was responsible for the death of countless people. I wonder if I would sleep better at night if Mig He was dead.
“Emily, can you grab the poppers out of the oven?” Anna asked as she busied herself over a mixing bowl.
“Yeah, of course.” Emily threw on the oven mitts. “Is Dad expecting the entire DEA or something?”
“Or something,” Anna sighed. “You’d think it was Thanksgiving or something. I think he thinks this will double as the office Christmas party.”
“Good, one less thing to host.” Emily rolled her eyes. “Speaking of which, this is his party, where is he?”
“He’s out grilling.” Anna pushed two pans of dessert into the fridge to set. “Have you decided if you’re going to stay out with us? I know these aren’t your favorite things.”
Emily shrugged. “I might, but I know there’ll be a lot of shop talk.”
“Kids all taken care of?”
“Ale and Miguelito are at Jen’s for the night and Mateo is out with the sitter. I think they were going to the movies. I’m sure he’ll be passed out when they get back.”
“Don’t push yourself, okay? Choose what’s going to make you enjoy the night best. You don’t get the night off very often.”
Emily nodded. “At the very least, I’m going to eat some of this delicious food.” She grabbed a cracker off the plate Anna was working on. She smacked Emily’s hand.
“Emily Louise, párale!”
Emily grinned. “Tengo hambre, mamá.”
Anna rolled her eyes, but Emily could see the smile threatening to break on her face. Anna always smiled when Emily referred to her as mom. She swiped another cracker. Anna pinched at Emily’s side hitting her ticklish spot. She jerked back in laughter.
Someone knocked on the door. Anna frowned. “No one is supposed to be here for 30 minutes.”
“I’ll get it. There’s no way it’s anyone from the DEA. They’re always late.” Emily headed for the door. “I’m guessing it’s the babysitter. Mateo probably left something behind.”
She checked out the window. It wasn’t the babysitter. Her eyes fell on a pair of too-tight jeans and a hand resting on a popped-out hip. She opened the door. “Javier?”
He looked almost surprised to see her. “Emily, Hi.” He wore a dark leather jacket and a flannel that was appropriately buttoned for once.
“I didn’t know my dad invited you.”
“It’s good to see you too.” His lips tipped up.
“Sorry, that was rude. Come on in.” She stepped aside. “You’re early.”
“I can leave and come back if you want.” He pointed toward the door.
Emily sighed, fighting back her smile. “Nah, we’ll just put you to work.”
“No, we will not! He is our guest!” Anna called from the kitchen.
“I didn’t know she could hear us.”
Javier lowered his tone. “She sounds stressed.”
Emily matched his volume. “She is.”
Their shared laughter turned into awkwardness that hung above them like a cloud. It was a weird thing to open up to a person and then not talk for a while. What do you say? Thanks for listening to my trauma. The right words felt unachievable.
“My dad is out back. You can put the whiskey in the kitchen.”
“I was planning to hold onto this all night. No need to dirty a cup. It is a celebration you know…”
“Yeah.” She forced a smile. It didn’t convince either of them.
...
“Okay, okay,” Walt Breslin spoke, hushing the small group of agents. One would’ve thought the group was much larger from their sheer volume. He raised his cup in the air. “To another motherfuckin’ drug trafficker in the grave.”
“Here, here.” The group chorused. Glasses clinked against each other. Discussion rose up.
Emily stared at the group from a distance, her back pressed to the wall. The label of her soda felt gritty under the back and forth of her finger. They wore satirically large grins on their faces as if they’d chased after Escobar themselves. Yet the one person who had, wasn’t even with the group. She didn’t know where Javier had disappeared to, only that he was still here. His leather jacket hung by the door, and she could just see his untouched bottle of whiskey on the end of the kitchen counter.
Fucking Walt Breslin. He couldn’t stand that he was stateside when he-who-shall-not-be-named was arrested, and now Javier was here the night they were celebrating Escobar’s death. It must have been driving him mad.
In all fairness, Emily didn’t think Walt was a bad guy, but she felt uncomfortable around him more so than she did the other men her dad worked with. Walt knew most of the truth. Her father’s right-hand man, he was on the tarmac when her plane landed in Texas that night. He knew the parentage of her children and whose bed she’d warmed. She felt that judgment from him, whether it was there or not.
She’d hit her limit. If she hung out here much longer, she’d be fighting an anxiety attack, even now her chest ached with tension. She disappeared down the dark hallway toward her room. Emily pulled the crochet blanket she made off her bed and around her shoulders. She slipped past the intoxicated DEA agents and out the back door, grabbing Javier’s bottle of whiskey on her way out. The door shut behind her and all was right in the world.
“We have to stop meeting like this.”
The whiskey bottle hit the group. She jumped to avoid getting her toes smashed. “Fuck. You gotta stop scaring the shit out of me, Javier.”
“How else am I supposed to let you know I’m out here?”
Emily rolled her eyes as she felt around for the bottle. Her fingers connected with the cool glass. It was surprisingly still intact.
She walked over to Javier. A cigarette glowed between his fingers. “Careful with my whiskey.”
He sat on the bench swing, her spot. It was big enough for two, but just two. If she sat, their shoulders would touch, probably their legs too.
“Y’all’s patio furniture is more comfortable than ours. This one has a cushion for my ass.” He wiggled in his seat for emphasis. “I gotta get me some of these.”
Emily plucked the cigarette from his grasp. She savored the pull before handing it back to Javier.
“Please help yourself.”
“You were going to offer anyway.”
“Would be rude not to.”
Emily twisted the top off the whiskey. She brought the bottle to her lips and took a long sip.
Javier’s eyes widened, the moonlight flickered off of them as he did. “I was going to say that you look like you’re doing well.”
She removed her lips with a pop. The whiskey sloshed within the glass bottle. “You look like shit.”
“Would you like a glass?”
“No need to dirty a cup.” Her lips ticked upward.
He shook his head, putting the cigarette between his lips. She tipped the bottle back again.
“Might wanna slow down there. It’s a school night.”
Emily stopped. She cocked her head to the side and just looked at Javier. So much of the time, she felt like a newborn foal, timid and shaky on its legs. Something else was growing inside her. She felt like an untamed horse, wild and reckless, stomping down fear and anxiety. Maybe it was the whiskey or maybe frustrations outran her anxiety for once. She did something that terrified her. She plopped herself down on the bench swing next to Javier.
Their shoulders brushed and she let them, separated by the thick crochet blanket hanging around her shoulders. It helped. She crossed her legs so they didn't touch him. Javier looked at her. She kept her eyes straight ahead.
“Why aren’t you celebrating?” She pulled the bottle back to her lips.
“I am.”
“No.” Emily looked at him. “You’re sulking.”
Javier sighed. He grabbed the whiskey bottle from Emily’s hands. He drank from the bottle looking at her the whole time.
“Thought it would feel different…” He handed the bottle back to her. “But people are still dead. Nothing is going to change that.” He closed his eyes, pictures flashing behind his eyelids. So many people. He ran a hand through his hair. Some he’d been responsible for, people he knew.
“I don’t think true justice exists…” She picked at the whiskey label. “He would’ve died thousands of deaths in all the ways he ordered it. He’d know all the pain and grief and trauma and all of its intricacies that he’s responsible for inflicting.”
Emily lifted the bottle. Javier stopped her. He took it and set it on the ground. She stared at her empty hands
“Do you wish He was dead?”
They were no longer talking about Escobar.
“Sometimes I think it would help. I always hear he was brought to justice. He’s going to rot in prison for what he did.” Her hands shook. She clenched them. “But not for kidnapping, or abuse, or rape-” Her eyes turned glassy.
Javier sucked in. He’d assumed. It wasn’t a stretch by any means, but hearing it struck something deep down.
“It’s okay that my story isn’t known. I prefer it that way, and I know there’s a slim chance he’d actually be convicted of anything he did to me, but there’s not a lot of closure because of it.”
“I think closure is a scam because if this is it, it sucks.” Javier picked the bottle back up. He gave it to her first.
She thanked him as she tipped it back. “If you want to get real existential about it, they’re all just made-up concepts: justice, closure, and all their friends.”
He took the liquor. “That hurts my head.”
Emily laughed. “I know.”
Cicadas sang around them. Emily picked up on the faint sound of laughter inside the house.
“How-” Javier stopped himself. It wasn’t his place to ask.
“Hmmm?”
“Nothing, I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Emily bit her lip. “Were you going to ask how it happened?”
Javier looked away. He felt bad for bringing it up.
“It’s okay… It piques curiosity.”
“It seems like something you don’t like to talk about.”
She took a deep breath. “I was 15. My mom took us on vacation to Mexico. We stayed in the hotel He owned. My mother was all too thrilled when the rich hotel owner started taking a liking to me, and I-” her voice quivered. She picked at her jeans. “I was too young to know any better.”
She slid her palm in a long single motion down her thigh. Javier could only imagine the pictures running through her mind.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”
She shook her head. Her motions continued. She was quickly drifting away from this. Her breathing quickened.
“Give me your hand.” He held out his hand.
She stilled, staring at it like it was a grenade. She could feel the warmth from it, but he didn’t touch her. Her lungs trapped the air in her chest. He looked at her for permission. She managed the briefest nod and extended her hand.
His thumbs dug into her palm. It almost hurt, but not quite. It brought her off the edge saving her from falling into a cloud of memories.
He lowered their hands just above her knee. His fingers edged over her jeans. He could feel her muscles move and twitch beneath him. He gently increased the pressure. Her knee stopped bouncing. Her shoulders dropped, and her lungs released.
His thumb moved back and forth with long, firm strokes. It grounded her, made her feel less detached from the world, and chased the panic away.
Javier’s eyes were still trained on her. She looked at him. The words came out quiet. “Thank you.”
He nodded. “Feel better?”
Every voice in her head screamed and fought, but her body relaxed. “Yeah.”
He didn’t move his hand, and she didn’t want him to. They stared up at the December sky. Javier slowly eased his motions until his fingers stilled against her jeans. The whiskey hummed through her body, making everything feel warm around her.
She tilted her head to the side. “How is it that you know exactly how to handle me?”
“Handle you?” Javier’s lips ticked upward.
“You know what I mean.”
He took a moment to contemplate his answer. His forefinger thumped against her kneecap. Emily watched it. She still couldn’t believe her body allowed this to happen. She felt a little less broken.
“I know we went through different things, but-” He stopped. They locked eyes. “People should make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m never okay, Javier.”
“I know.”
“Neither are you.”
He looked back at the stars. His Adam's apple bobbed. His hand disappeared from her knee leaving a rush of cold in its wake.
“I’m not a good person.”
“So you’ve said.”
“You don’t believe it?”
“You know what I think.”
“My family thinks I’m this big hero.”
“Do you want to be a hero?” Emily wrapped the thick blanket tighter around herself. She shifted and their contact lessened.
Javier bit his lip. “I want to do things the right way.”
“You want to go back.”
“I don’t know.”
“I can see it. You’re already thinking about who’s going to pick up where Escobar left off.”
Javier bristled. “And what are you thinking about?” It came out a little shorter than he wanted it to.
Emily took it in stride. “Right now, I’m thinking that I can still hear everyone in the house which means no one is missing us, but nobody’s left. I know that Mateo is sound asleep in his bed. That I should probably go check on him. Not because I think there’s anything wrong, but because there’s this all-consuming need to lay eyes on him so that I can assure myself everything is right. Ale and Miguelito are gone for the night. They’re with people I trust implicitly, but I’m still expecting the phone to ring and say something has happened.”
Javier bit his lip.
“On a normal day, I’m wondering if Felix will get out and try to get us back. I’m not that far from the border, or will it be someone coming after us because they don’t want a child of His posing a threat.” The words tumbled out in growing succession. “Or maybe they’ll get bored and do it just for fun. Maybe it’s all irrational because we’ve been here for so long, and many of the people who know about us are dead, but what if someone has kept tabs on us all this time? What if I can’t get better? What if I get worse and I can’t be there for my kids? How can I be a good mother when I don't even feel like a whole-”
He reached for her knee again. Emily smacked it away. “Just because you’ve touched me once doesn’t mean you can do it again, Javier Peña.” She sprung off the seat, her chest heaving. Wildness burned in her eyes. It was getting harder to pull air in.
“Shit.” She sank to the ground. Her chest ached as she struggled to breathe. She pulled the blanket tight for pressure as she curled into a ball. Her eyes squeezed shut as she focused on her breathing. It wasn’t getting any easier.
Javier was trained to handle crises to operate under pressure, but he froze. His hands were useless. His feet carried him through the backdoor.
Anna was in the kitchen drying dishes. “Javier? I didn’t know you were still here.”
“Umm.” He pointed haphazardly toward the backyard. Why was he out of breath?
“What’s wrong?” Anna set the dishes down.
His tongue felt heavy and dry in his mouth, unable to form shapes and sounds. Laughter roared like a freight train from the living room.
“Javier,” Anna said firmly. It snapped through the fog.
“Emily.”
Anna’s eyes darted toward the door. “Shit..” She moved instantly. “Panic attack?”
“I-” was that what it was? How was he supposed to know what a panic attack looked like? “I think-”
Anna was already out the door. He followed her tracks.
He watched as Anna kneeled beside her. He couldn’t hear what she said in Emily’s ear. She didn’t move. Anna rubbed her hands over Emily’s back. Javier lost track of how long he watched. She eventually rested her head on Anna's lap. He imagined the tears on her cheeks, but he knew they were there.
He’d done that. He’d pushed her.
Guilt settled on his shoulders. Just another weight to carry.
Warnings: talk of suicide/suicidal thoughts (is fairly brief), things Javier did in Colombia (Los Pepes, holding his weapon on child, again is fairly brief), underage; grooming, age gap.
Words: 3,743
Series Master List | Author Master List
Journal Entry
October 23, 1993,
Last night was weird. I don’t know how else to put it. I don’t tell people anything about Mexico.
Javier blinked awake, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. His back ached from sleeping on the couch. His eye lids fell heavy, but the smell of coffee and hushed voices pulled him toward consciousness The spring digging into his back kicked him off the couch.
He shuffled toward the kitchen. The voices grew louder as he did.
Alejandra sat at the kitchen table leaned over a coloring book. Mateo sat next to her, nodding to her string of consciousness. He was equally focused on his coloring book.
“Buenos Dias, Mr. Javi.”
He stopped and shifted his weight. Children weren’t exactly his strong suit. Did this make him responsible for them? Should he even be allowed around children? He pushed those thoughts away. They only brought up memories he wanted to scrub from his brain. ”Buenos dias, Alejandra.”
“Mateo say good morning to Mr. Javi.” She said in Spanish.
In English, Mateo said, “Good morning.”
Ale lapsed back into English. “He doesn’t like to speak Spanish, but he can understand it.”
Javier caught sight of the half-full coffee pot.
“No Spanish.” Mateo shook his head.
Javier forced a smile. He moved toward the coffee. “Are you the only two up?”
“Abuelo and Mr. Chucho went to work.” It was still hot.
Two sets of dishes sat in the dish drainer. They were probably from his dad and Jaime. Was he supposed to feed someone’s children without their permission?
He took a deep breath. There was nothing to be scared of. They were kids. Little humans. All he had to do was ensure they didn’t die from eating. It was quite literally the easiest protection detail of his life. Why didn’t it feel like that way?
“Have you two eaten?”
“I’m hungry,” Mateo said.
Well, that answered that question.
“Mr. Chucho said he bought Lucky Charms.”
And that explained the smiling, green leprechaun that greeted him at 5:30 am yesterday. It had startled him. His dad earned a good laugh from it. “Lucky Charms it is. Mateo?’
“Yes, please.” He didn’t look up from his coloring.
Emily could hear Alejandra talking before she opened the bedroom door. That didn’t surprise her at all. She did not expect to find Javier leaning back in his seat, an arm slung over the chairback and the other pulling his coffee toward his mouth. Alejandra sat across from him. She chatted a million miles a minute. Javier nodded along eye’s trained on Mateo who shoveled scrambled eggs into his mouth.
“Mr. Javi, would you like a coloring page?” She didn’t look up. “I really like this coloring book, but I would let you have a page if you wanted one.”
“That’s ok, you keep coloring.”
Javier looked up, taking a sip of his coffee. She forced a smile. Something flashed in his eye. Emily couldn’t decode it.
“Good morning,” he said. It was flat, like he didn’t know how to interact with her in daylight.
Tension climbed up her spine. She could make it out in his smile. She could feel it in her own movements.
She took a deep breath and forced her own smile.“Good morning.”
Emily crouched next to Alejandra’s chair. “Buenos dias, mí amorcita.” Her voice was soft and smooth. Her morning register sat a pitch or two lower than it usually did. She kissed Alejandra’s head.
Alejandra stopped her coloring. She wore the biggest grin on her face. “Buenos dias, mami.” Her lips smacked against Emily’s cheek. She gave her mother her complete attention for a full two seconds before her head snapped back down to the coloring book.
Emily repeated the greeting to Mateo. “Good morning, Mommy.” He said, mouth full. He kissed his mother's cheek leaving egg behind.
Javier couldn’t suppress the small chuckle in his throat. Emily wiped the egg off her cheek with a laugh. She tousled Mateo’s hair. Emily looked at her children like they hung the stars. She looked at peace. It stood in stark contrast to the night and moments before.
“There’s coffee in the kitchen. I can get you some.” Javier said.
“I can get it, thank you.” Emily moved into the kitchen as Alejandra’s chatter filled the space.
Mateo’s fork clinked onto the table, his mouth still full. “Done! More please.”
“I think that’s up to your mom, Mateo.”
Javier looked at Emily. She shrugged. “He’s hungry. Let him eat.”
“He’s a bottomless pit you know. He’s already had 4.”
“Don’t forget the bowl of cereal!” Alejandra said.
“And a bowl of cereal.” Javier added, pulling the eggs out of the fridge.
Emily smiled over the rim of her coffee mug. “He out-eats me. I don’t know where he puts it all.”
Javier chuckled as he moved to the stove. His shoulder brushed hers. She jumped back. Coffee splashed out of her mug. “Shit.”
“You ok?”
“Yeah… fine.” Emily wiped up her spill with a paper towel. She moved out of the kitchen space, taking a seat at the table. “Thank you for making the eggs.”
“Dad would have my hide if I didn’t make sure our guests were fed.”
“Speaking of dads, I thought mine would be up by now.”
“Pops dragged him out with the sun this morning.” Javier cracked the egg. It sizzled against the hot frying pan. “At least that’s what Alejandrina said.”
Emily looked at her daughter. “Alejandrina?”
“That’s my nickname from Mr. Javi.” She smiled. Alejandra might just have a new favorite person. “Abuelo was complaining, but he smiled so I think he was excited.”
“Sounds about right,” Emily said.
She could see Javier out of the corner of her eye. He rested a hand on his hip as he watched the eggs cook. She took this opportunity to really look at him. She’d been too caught up with the kids yesterday and it was too dark last night to make out the details. He wore a simple white t-shirt and jeans that were skin-tight.
Attraction wasn’t something Emily experienced anymore. It was sealed behind years of abuse and guarded by anxiety with no parole insight, but the sight of him in the kitchen made it peer through the cell doors, but attraction wasn’t the right word for what flooded her veins. Admiration felt too strong. Cautious curiosity maybe. Anxiety pushed it back into the corner.
“What are we staring at?”
“What the-?” Emily’s coffee spilled into her lap. She rolled her eyes grabbing a napkin. Twice in one morning that was a new low.
“You looked deep in thought.” Anna grinned. She followed Emily’s line of sight. Emily dared to let her eyes wander back up. Javier had moved out of sight.
“You know me, just my casual morning dissociation.” Emily sighed. It was probably going to stain. “There’s coffee in the kitchen.”
Anna nodded. Javier appeared with more scrambled eggs. He hardly set it down before Mateo dug in. His fork narrowly missed Javier’s hand.
“Woah, watch it with that thing.” Javier smiled. “You’re gonna take someone’s hand off.”
Mateo’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “Sorry, Mr. Javi.”
“You got some ninja speed, kiddo.”
“Ravenous as always, I see.” Anna said.
“Would you expect anything different?” Emily said.
“Mr. Javi?” Alejandra said. “Can we ride horses today?”
“I think we can make that happen, Alejandrina.”
...
Alejandra jumped from foot to foot, holding Jaime’s hand as she eagerly waited outside of the barn. Miguelito was more preoccupied by the lasso Chucho had taught him how to use as he practiced his technique with an old barrel. Mateo weaved through the adults as if they were traffic cones.
Chucho led a horse out of the barn. Ale fought to contain a squeal. She wore a smile that threatened to break her face as Chucho brought the animal closer. “Ale, go up on the mounting block.” He instructed.
Alejandra did as told. She held out her hand. The horse sniffed at it. She cautiously moved her small hand upward, resting it above his muzzle. He was mostly white with gray speckles that increased toward his hind until it looked almost gray. “What’s his name?”
“Hurricane.” Chucho said. He held out an apple, showing Alejandra how to hold it out to the horse before handing it to her.
“Does he live up to the name?” Jaime asked. Hurricane plucked the apple from Ale’s hand with one bite. She giggled.
“Used too. He’s mellowed with age. He was the first foal Javier trained.”
“And the last,” Javier said, leading out a mare. He tied her to the hitching post. “He was a pain in my ass.”
“Reminds me a lot of you,” Chucho said.
Emily put one hand in front of the mare’s nose. She let the horse sniff at her palm before resting her other hand on her neck. The mare’s eye moved, connecting with Emily’s. Her hand stilled on Paz’s rich brown coat. They stayed like that, looking at each other. It felt like the horse saw everything behind her eyes, and for a moment the constant noise in her head stopped.
The horse swung its head toward her. Emily took the smallest step back. The mare bobbed its head up and down, easing closer to her. Emily touched its forehead, her other hand rubbing its cheek. She rested her head against the mare’s.
“That’s Paz. She’s the last one my wife trained.”
Emily smiled softly. She ran a hand over the horse's neck and moved along her side. “She’s beautiful.”
“I want to ride Hurricane,” Alejandra said.
“Patience, mija,” Emily said. “Mateo, do you want to pet the horses?”
“They’re really big.”
Emily smiled and picked him up. She kissed his cheek. “Does this make it better?”
He nodded. His small hands stretched towards Paz in quiet admiration. Javier appeared with sugar cubes in hand. Mateo looked at him and Javier gave a little nod. Mateo plucked a sugar cube from his palm and dropped it in his mouth.
Emily gasped, “Mateo.” But she couldn’t keep the smile off her face. The boy’s eyes grew wide. He knew what he did, and he knew he was going to get away with it.
“There’re those ninja reflexes again.” Javier chuckled. “You’re going to make Paz jealous, taking her sugar cubes like that.” He fed the horse the remaining sugar cubes.
“You get away with too much, little boy.” Emily kissed his head.
“Mami, look.” Alejandra sat atop Hurricane as Chucho led them around.
“Looking good, Ale.” Emily smiled.
“She's a natural,” Chucho said.
“Abuelo, can we get a horse?” Alejandra asked.
Jaime laughed. “I don’t think so. Where would we put it?”
“In the backyard.”
“Our backyard isn’t big enough.”
Alejandra sighed. “Fine.”
“You can come ride horses here anytime, Alejandra,” Chucho said. “You and your family have an open invitation.”
“Thank you, Chucho,” Emily said.
“Can we come every day?”
The adults laughed. “No,” Emily said. “But I’ll make sure we get the chance to come back.”
“Have you ridden before, Emily?” Chucho asked.
“I used to ride in high school.”
“You did?” Jaime said.
Emily nodded. It was an awkward reminder of the 15 years missing between them. “Yeah.”
“Perfect, you and Javier can go for a tour of the farm on horseback. We’ll watch the kids.” He gave her a knowing smile.
Emily did a double take. Did he see them last night? Did he think something was going on with them?
“You good with that, Jav? And can you check that the back fence is holding up while you’re out?”
“Sure thing, pops.” He nodded. “I’ll go saddle up Gracie.”
Jaime shot Emily a look. The one they’d perfected over the years. You good with this?
One short nod, unnoticeable to most. Yeah.
Emily hooked her foot in the stirrup. It felt good to hoist herself up. She felt powerful and self-assured in the saddle. She was going to have to ride horses more often if it made her feel like this.
“You’re a natural up there,” Chucho said.
Javier led Gracie out of the stable. She was dark as the midnight sky from nose to tail. He pulled himself into the saddle next to Emily.
“We’ll be back by lunch,” Javier said.
Chucho nodded. “Have fun.”
Emily looked at her children. “Listen to your grandparents.”
“We will. Have fun, Mami.” Alejandra waved.
Javier steered his horse out of the corral. Emily followed behind. The pair stayed quiet. Javier pointed out random buildings and fields here and there. She responded with polite single words and noises.
They kept on until they reached the backfield. Javier slid off his horse as he walked up to inspect the fence. Emily stayed in the saddle looking at the river that created the southern border of the property. She could see people on the other shore loading a small Jon boat.
“That’s the Rio Grand?”
Javier didn’t look up from his inspection. “Yeah.”
She bit her lip. “So that’s Mexico.”
Javier stopped. He walked back over to the horses. “Have you been back since?”
“No.” She shook her head. “I forget how close we are.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think-”
“Don’t apologize. I’m okay.”
Javier nodded, hands on his hip. “Everything’s good here. I thought we could go through the woods next.”
“You’re the guide.”
Javier mounted his horse. “That I am.”
Their horses walked beside each other. Javier held the reigns in one hand allowing his free hand to sit on his thigh. The sun warmed their backs.
“Do the boats bother you?” Emily asked.
“Boats?”
“The drug runners. You can see them from the backfield.”
Javier stayed quiet. “Do they bother you?”
“No.” Emily tilted her head to the side. “You still have to answer.”
Javier guided them to the trailhead at the edge of the woods.
“Yes,” Javier said once they were surrounded by trees.
“Do you still work for the DEA? Dad’s mentioned trying to convince you to work for him at the Laredo office.”
“I’m on administrative leave.”
“What did you do?”
Javier said. “I exchanged information with Los Pepes in an attempt to catch Escobar.”
“Holy shit.”
“Not my finest moment.”
“We all have those.”
“Yeah.”
A few birds chirped around them. Emily caught sight of squirrels and chipmunks scurrying around as they prepared for the winter. The horses huffed and bristled throughout their slow venture.
They came up on a small brook. The water trickled quickly over small stones. Javier slid off his horse. Emily followed suit. “We’ll let the horses drink here. It’s hot out today.”
She led Paz over to the brook. The horses eagerly lapped at the water. Javier pulled a canteen out of the saddle bag. He took a long sip.
“Do you know who El Señior de Los Cielos is?”
“Carillo Fuentes?” He wiped his chin. “He runs the Juarez cartel.”
“Yeah…” Emily ran her hand over Paz’s shoulder. “He’s my kids’ godfather.”
Javier coughed. Emily’s raised her eyebrows.
“That can’t really be the most shocking thing I’ve told you.”
“No, I guess not.” He handed Emily the canteen. “Just caught me off guard I guess.”
“You’re slipping, Agent Peña.” She teased, taking a sip of the water.
“I suppose I am.” Javier wanted to smile but it died on his lips.
Emily continued to run her hands over the horse. Paz seemed to suck the anxiety right out of her. She could feel it draining from her system, soothing her beating heart. The breeze tangled in her hair. The perfect combination. Maybe she should join forces with Ale and convince her dad to buy a horse.
“I held my gun at a kid once. He was probably Miguelito’s age.”
Emily snapped to him. He stared down at the ground, hands on his hip. Did he always stand like that? He glanced up at her. There was no judgment in her eyes.
“Escobar, he armed people in the comunas, including children.” He scuffed his boot into the dry dirt. “I still have that dream once a week. Sometimes I pull the trigger. Other times he does.”
“What actually happened?”
“He ran away.”
“My therapist.” Javi looked up again, eyebrows raised. “Crazy, I know. Someone admitting they’re seeing a shrink.” She smiled. Javier’s chest shook with silent laughter. “Anyway, my therapists and I’ve had many, always tell me it’s not what you could’ve done, it’s what you did.”
She turned around, hand sliding over Paz’s neck and shoulder. The horse watched her. She felt calm, even as the confession floated close to her lips.
Javier walked over, taking his place on the other side of the horse. He looked at her over the horse’s neck. She bit her lip, toying with Paz’s mane. “When I was in Mexico, I thought about killing myself more often than I like to admit.” Her breath was shaky. She managed to make eye contact with Javier. Emily would never know how. “And sometimes, I thought about taking my kids with me.”
Her eyes watered, but nothing spilled out. “Fuck… I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I don’t tell anyone this shit.”
Javier gave Paz a firm pat. He looked around. The autumn sun peeked through the changing leaves. “Nature is the best kind of listener. It doesn’t judge. It never tells your story for you.”
He walked back to his horse, untying him. Emily watched him. She’d expected more from him, yet he gave her exactly what she needed. She hooked a foot in the stirrups, straddling the saddle. Paz shifted under her weight. They followed Javier, crossing the brook. The pair stayed quiet. The only sounds were the crunching underbrush and the trickle of water.
“Does it help?” Javier looked back at her. “To tell yourself it’s what you did?”
She shrugged. “About 50% of the time. The rest of the time I just feel like a shitty mom.” A humorous grin played off her lips. It caught Javier off guard. He hadn’t expected the dark humor from her. “But the therapists seem pretty proud of themselves every time they say it.”
Javier let his chuckle loose this time. “Trust me, you’re anything but shitty.”
Emily inhaled deeply. “Thank you.”
...
Emily sat on the patio, one of her father’s cigarettes in hand. The moon was a little fuller tonight, just over half a moon. The full moon would come next week. She loved the glow of a full moon, but the sky of a new one and the sky full of twinkling stars it brought with it.
She flicked the ash off her cigarette before pulling it to her lips. Her mind drifted back to what she’d said to Javier in the woods. She’d never told her dad about her suicidal ideations, yet here she was telling Jaivier less than 24 hours after meeting him. She couldn’t shake the feeling that he understood on a level a lot of people didn’t, and that included her father.
Jaime had been in Mexico and hunted after the people she knew, but he hadn’t seen the same kind of violence. She knew the ease at which Felix ordered the execution of people near to him. She knew Colombia had been different. She’d overheard enough of her dad’s work calls, seen enough news footage, and recognized the look in Javier’s eyes. Fuck, she’d been sheltered from most of the gore and violence, only hearing about it. Javier had witnessed it.
The sliding door squeaked and Javier’s head poked out, followed by the rest of him. He set a bottle and two glasses on the table. He pulled out his own pack of cigarettes. They said nothing. She sat. His signature silhouette was illuminated by the moon.
Their cigarettes dwindled. She squashed hers in the ashtray. Glass clinked as Emily poured the whiskey. “Brought out the big guns tonight.” Her finger traced over the whiskey label. She could just make it out under the moonlight.
“Why did you open up in the woods today?” Javier glanced over his shoulder.
The glass stopped at her lips.“Why did you tell me about the kid in Colombia?”
He looked down. “I only ever told Steve, my partner in Colombia, about it. He was the only one who understood.”
Emily walked over. She stood at his side, offering him a filled glass. He took it. He swirled the whiskey.
“I’ve seen a lot of fucked up shit. I’ve participated in some of it. That story… It’s not even the worst of it.” He took one last pull from his cigarette.
“Neither was mine… That was just the tip of the fucking iceberg, Javier.”
“I don’t think I’m a very good person.”
“It sounds like you’ve done some fucked up stuff, but I don’t think you’re a bad person. Hell, the fact that I’ll sit out here alone with you is a miracle.”
He saw his out. He took it.“I was surprised you stayed out last night. You looked like you wanted to bolt.”
“I did, but I wanted to be outside more. To be honest, that little voice is in the back of my head right now, but it’s not because of anything you’ve done.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “Trisha is gonna be proud when I tell her.” Emily finished off the whiskey in her glass.
“Trisha?”
“My therapist.”
“So you’re hanging out with me just to impress your therapist?” He pulled out a smile. This was much safer territory.
Emily laughed. Warmth spread through Javier’s chest. He hadn’t touched the whiskey
“It’s not for the depressing conversation, that’s for sure.” She laughed again and he could feel it in his limbs. He shook his head, fighting back a smile as the glass met his lips.
“Smart ass.”
“I did pass with one of the highest GED scores.”
“What? Did they let you take it open book from home?”
Emily smacked his shoulder. “I had a proctor, thank you very much.”
They laughed. His shoulder brushed hers. Her muscles tensed, but she didn’t jump. Slow and controlled, she stepped back.
He nodded. “If you need me to leave, it’s okay.”
“No.” It came out so fast. She sat on the chair closest to the house. “Just stay on that side of the patio.”
Javier nodded. He pulled the other chair to the opposite edge of the patio. Its metal legs grated against the cement.
Emily cringed. “God, I hate that sound.”
Javier gave the chair an extra push and shove with a smart-ass smile on his lips. Heightened anxiety still coursed through her veins, but she laughed.
