#seeingwhati'mthinkingandfeeling

[anonmanatee]

Using E.S.O as exposure therapy to heal my social fear.

Fucking Tumblr wouldn’t let me post what I had written. So I was going to copy and paste it to re-post it, but I guess I used the wrong shortcut to copy it and when I went to re-post it wasn’t there... son of a fuck.

  So... I shall try once more!

This is my third post. Today is 2018, July 12, Friday. 

I’m vague as fuck. I feel I have no developed self to use with talking and interacting with people. I feel like a zombie. I’m usually either really tired or getting nerfed by negative thoughts and emotions. Nothing ever really touches me in depth and I never feel fully relaxed or present and I’m unable to fully enjoy myself, I never truly enjoy things. It always feels like something is weighing on Me, especially lately. The only hope I have an escape of constant suffering and depression and tension and stress are my spiritual practices, including “The Power Of Now” and Alan Watts. 

  I habitually avoid the one thing I know I should do: Open up to people. I’m so afraid of talking to people one on one for a long length of time, I usually handle it a little at a time and even then in small conversations I never feel like I’m really behind what I’m saying, I feel like I can’t tjhink of anything cool interstig or fun, I feel awkward and unsocial, i just say generic shit to fill space, though i do really want to talk and connect, soktmes the genric shit is the best I can do. I have fearful body language, I start to point my body away from them and I don’t make eye content. My tone and presence are repressed..... I’m getting tired and can’t continue typing much longer so I’m going to summarize this.

  Basically, I’m afraid of people and because I've habitually avoided personal contact out of fear the fear associated to people and social events have increased and I’ve become weaker. It’s like in the war on art...

the point of this whole post is to document what happened tonight. tonight i was laying eso, or the elder scrolls online and a guy challenged me to a duel. before that, a guy asked me to jin his group I said no. because I wanted to play solo, even though its a mmo, meant for playing in groups, so... then the other guy comes up invites me to duel.I figure sure, well duel then ill leave. at this point om already nervous... this duel invite is the closest thing to one on one social interaction ive gotten in a while, i feel chemicals surge through my body, at first im excited and scare. we duel were an even match, we can’t beat each other. he forfeits dueL then asks to duel again i say no, he sends me a friend request on psn and asks me to join a group, i don't know what a group is, i figure its a passive participation like in a club, like a guild and sometimes I could play with him. I noticed he had a mic i heard his mic feed i got nervous, it started to get to much, he started to follow me, I quit group he asks to create a group i say later. in my head, i was thinking “o=I’ll invite him later and well level together, right now im gathering resources..” but just that almost talking to someone made me get scared awaked my pain body and then I got nervous and had a mini break down in my bathroom BECAUSE IT AWOKE MY DEEP PAIN BODY OF MY CORE COMPLEX AROUND SOCIAL FEAR AND SENSE OF SELF.. then i had the best idea ever!! EVERYDAY BEFORE AND AFTER WORK I CAN USE E.S.O AS EXPOSURE THERAPY TO PROGRESSIVELY CHALLENGE MYSELF TO step OUT OF MY SOCIAL ZONE AND EVENTUALLY HAVE ONLINE FRIENDS AND TAKK TO PPL WITH MIC AND EVERYTHING. I FEEL MUCH OF MY DEPRESSION ARISES BECAUSE IM ALWAYS IGNORING WHAT I REALLY SHOULD BE DOING, WICH IS CONNECTING WITH OTHERS.

I could proof read this but fuck it, I have work tommorrow and i want to wake up early enough to rlax in the morning and manage my emotions and stress. After wotk tmrw I play music with my dad. I need to sleep now so im not to tired t enjoy the day. ok peace out tumblr

[anonmanatee]

Feels good man.

  I’ve noticed there are certain activities, ways of relating to the world, personal frames of reference, attitudes, ways of acting, levels of awareness, degrees of body awareness, the sensitivity of sense perceptions, etc. that I seem to cycle through. I’ll organize these personal, mental-emotional cycles, into messy categories. On the one hand, There's ‘feels good man’ and, on the other, ‘feels bad man’.

  Now I’ll just shit out words and phrases that are circling in and out of my head tonight at 12:44 Am, July 9, Monday. Words and phrases that seem important in a vague way. I haven't followed each thought down where they want to go yet, that’s why the reason they feel import isn’t completely clear yet. They are: 

  1) Social life 2) What a small power-out brings to surface what I take for granted about modern life. cut off your water, plumbing, trash service, car, electricity, refrigeration, radio, grocery store. even the lack of electricity for a few minutes (which happened yesterday and caused me to think these things) in your house, no outlets to charge your phone, no tv, no refrigerator, no A.C. and suddenly the mental routine of robotic consumption and rotations in the rat wheel of the job, all of that bursts, and the cushion of modern comfort separating you from the world of nature is torn apart, immediately for the brief moments of a power out in your home you enter the real world and are no longer in a home but in a wooden box, which instantly becomes characterized by it’s emerging primary function- Protection. The mental framework of your life held up by modern convenience and entertainment vanishes and you are suddenly out of your head and in the physical world and what you feel to be important, your entire sense of self and orientation in life would shift to survival. Things that used to take up your attention, worries, etc, would become trivial and be forgotten. It's strange to think of... maybe people are depressed because not only are we already self-aware and know we are going to die, but much of what would take up our time and create meaning and be the focal points of our lives- building shelter and fires, hunting, etc are removed from life by modern technology, so the focus shifts to entertainment, and in our alone time our minds wander to what it’s all for 3) The need to sit, get calm, feel shit and remember that you’re not a floating head. 4) creative self-expression. 5) religion and spirituality 6) sense of self 7)mental focal point 8) social isolation leads to withdrawal from the world, into self. 9) a seemingly disproportionate amount of stress. 10) my typical moods and feeling of life. 10) what is depression? 11) The importance of hobbies and fun activities and cracking jokes at one’s self 12) Conversation and the quality of my personal relationships 13)The contradiction of owning who you are Vs. the spiritual project of erasing yourself. 14) Getting out of your own way 15) surrendering to life 16) letting go of life 17) diet and sleep 18) plans for future 19) who am I, what can I make? 20) as far as I can tell, the activities most of us do on our free time seem to confirm the statement “life is suffering” because they're often used as symptom relief from negative feelings and thoughts inside of us that make us uncomfortable. There can each be a different form of running away from yourself, of not feeling what’s inside you. Some examples are:

  _the preference to be surrounded by friends over being with one's self

_ entertainment, drugs and alcohol and cigarettes

_listening to the radio

_cell phone use

_social media

_Porn

_self-help books

_snacking,.. etc.

Note* In most of these there seems to be a compulsive quality. What is this compulsiveness? 

  THIS POST IS NOT COMPLETE!! I’LL FINISH IT LATER. I HAVE TO GO TO BED SO I DON’T COLLAPSE AT WORK TOMORROW FROM SLEEP DEPRIVATION.

[anonmanatee]

To Start With...

  This is the first post. I’ll lay out what this Tumblr means to me:

   This will be a place where I can express myself. A place to organize my thoughts. I can see my self -what I’ve been thinking and feeling- more clearly,  from a distance. I’ll make sense of the patterns of my life. Basically, all I type on this page will serve as a reference sheet that will help me live a more kick-ass life. I want to understand my relationship with the world so that I know how to live, because honestly, I could do better at this life thing, and the prospect of staying a noob-at-life forever has convinced me I should try things differently, maybe take a few “risks”, who knows... 

p.s. By taking “risks”, I mean deciding to enter situations in life that shouldn’t be scary, but sometimes are, that I feel will do me and others some good in the long run.