#self-destructive behavior

[giftofgabber]

now that the version of myself who indulged in self-destructive behavior is assimilated I stand here ready to witness the truth of myself, which is that I avoid discomfort even when it’s being uncomfortable that I have to Do. Which is often.

[trans-writes]

we are a beautifully broken generation full of poets and painters and writers and photographers. we’re falling apart and capturing our own destruction in our art we have a thousand poets with beautiful words and even more beautiful ideas whose stanzas flow, slow and sweet, like rivers of golden honey but only after a bit of liquid courage to set the pen in motion our painters are hard at work splashing their hearts across canvases creating murals and portraits and landscapes and their hearts are so stunning, so colorful so what does it matter if, every now and then, they mix a little of their own blood with their acrylics to get that perfect hue? our photographers have the greatest ability to find beauty in even the most damaged things, except themselves. with just the right angle, lens, and lighting,  they can make cracked concrete look tragic and wonderful instead of mundane they’re all grasping at straws, trying to trap moments in film, trying to stop time. their tears mingle with chemicals in their dark rooms while they develop photo after photo, refusing to move on from their few good moments our writers are brilliant they have so much to say they’re the ones left up at two, three, four in the morning scribbling down every thought and story idea they’ve ever had, making some part of themselves immortal, leaving a few pieces behind, just in case they don’t make it to sunrise, for a writer’s brain is the most dangerous place of all we’re burning. the poets are drunk, the painters are bleeding, the photographers are desperate, the writers are dying, and we. are. burning. we’re dying, and isn’t it stunning? --r.a.b.

[ashitakaxsan]

“86′ Sci-Fi Military Anime”

As I noticed the news about it just got my Interest.Asato Asato’s light novel series “86″.The series is published in North America by Yen Press.The story’s outline is:

The Republic of San Magnolia has been attacked by its neighbor, the Empire. Outside the 85 districts of the Republic there is the 'non-existent 86th district,' where young men and women continue to fight. Sheen directs the actions of young suicide bombers, while Lena is a “curator” who commands a detachment from a remote rear. The story of the tragic struggle between these two begins!

The silverhaired girl above,dominating the image is Vladilena Milizé.Please figure her name:It sounds so alike Russian.

I’ll add the rest details later.The exquisite is that the main characters-of each side- are real tragic heroes,who don’t like what they’re involved with,they charge into the War.So the case might be Much greater than a “Winner takes All,Owe to the Looser”(it is Vae Victis:Owe to the Conquered”).I wonder we’ll  we see the backstory,and the reasons of this War? Were the two nations in good terms,but somehow came the fallout?

Were the things between them always in tensions?Maybe we’ll see the self-destructive behavior in its Fullest..!

Is there anywhere a place and a Friendly Factor for Love?

*It does remind me of the old school anime “Windaria”.

It might match my expectations,or even surpass them.The following link is the anime pv

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVegRUOgkPM

I don’t know if this has the “Romeo and Juliette” element.

(Vladilena is a Gorgeous,Attractive girl.Her expression persists to give us the gist of her bitter emotions)

Asato launched the novel series under Kadokawa's Dengeki Bunko imprint in April 2017. Shirabi (The Ryuo's Work Is Never Done!, Myriad Colors Phantom World) is drawing the illustrations, and the artist I-IV (Aldnoah.Zero, Re:CREATORS) is in charge of mechanical design.

The light novel series has a manga adaptation by Motoki Yoshihara in Square Enix's Young Gangan magazine.Yen Press is also releasing the manga in English. The light novel series is also inspiring a Gakuen 86 (Academy 86) manga by Suzume Somemiya in Kadokawa's Monthly Comic Alive magazine.

[meteora-writes]

So I just found out Luciana is confirmed for s4 and since I am a super petty bitch was wondering if you could write a trick fic where Troy lives and eventually ends up running into luci and nick. Nick has this relationship crisis but ends up choosing Troy? Idk if you can make this short enough for just a req fic but hey worth a shot to ask right? (never stop writing btw please)!!!!!!!

Sorry it took me a while to get to this one, I too am a bit of a petty bitch about this situation (mostly because I think they’re going to have them get back together like nothing ever happened between them in the first place), so I’ll gladly give this a shot.  

~~~~~

No Choice

Parings: Nick Clark x Luciana Galvez & Nick Clark x Troy Otto

Warnings: ANGST, Self-Destructive Behavior, Drama, A nauseating level of fluffy feels, Love Confessions, First Kisses

Notes: Thanks to @anon-ai for helping with the parts of the story in Spanish. I really appreciate it.

~~~~~

Nick made his way back to the bazaar after he blew up the dam. After bullshitting his way back in he went back to working for El Matarife like nothing had happened. No one asked about where his family or friend had gone, and nobody cared that he was constantly drunk and high.

On the morning of his 7th day back working for Matarife, Nick was out collecting walker heads when he noticed a car driving towards him. He ignored it, content to behead a slow-moving walker with his machete. The car was probably headed down the road to the bazaar anyway.

Nick tossed the walker head into his rickety shopping cart with the others and started to push it along the roadside when the approaching car slowed to a crawl behind him. He kept on ignoring it. It wasn’t the first time someone stopped to gawk at him as he did his job.

A moment later the engine cut and Nick could hear the telltale sound of a car door opening and closing. He heaved a sigh as he turned to tell off whoever was walking up behind him, a hand on the handle of his machete just to be safe. “What-” he began, words dying on his tongue at the sight before him.

Standing beside the front bumper of a beat up old Buick Century, was Luciana in all her post-apocalyptic glory. “Nick.” She said, eyes wide as she took in the sight of him for the first time in weeks.

Nick blinked in disbelief, briefly wondering if he was still high before he took a step forward, then another, and another. Before he knew what he was doing, he had wrapped both arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug that she returned without hesitation.

After a long talk (read as: lots of arguing ending in Nick telling Luciana everything that happened after she left him) Luciana told Nick that she had never found her friends in Mexicali, and that she’d been wandering ever since. She’d heard about El Bazar and decided to check it out.  

The two ended up falling back into a relationship of sorts after that. At first Luciana was just crashing with Nick in the quarters that Matarife set him up in, then one night, Nick woke up from a nightmare to Luciana standing over him with this look in her eyes. She ended up climbing into bed with him and the rest was history.

Or so they thought.

Two months later Nick was sitting in the cantina, his head aching from yet another night of terrible sleep and an excess of equally terrible tequila. He had already finished work for the day, so now he was nursing a glass of something that tasted something like lemonade mixed with lighter fluid while he waited for Luciana to return from a scouting mission.

After a while a figure plopped down onto the vacant stool beside Nick’s, their elbow bumping Nicks as they got settled. Nick couldn’t really see the person in question, the hood of his jacket was pulled up to try and shield his eyes from the harsh light of day. He grunted at the other person jostling his arm and in turn his drink, but otherwise he paid them no mind.

The figure, a man, knocked his knuckles on the bar top to get the tender’s attention. “I’ll have a water.”

Nick froze mid sip at the sound of the man’s voice. He knew that voice. It had been haunting his dreams for months.

Turning his head slowly he was greeted with the side profile of none other than Troy Otto. A living, breathing, Troy Otto. Nick fell out of his seat at the realization that the man beside him was real and not a drug induced vision.

Half the denizens of the cantina were laughing at Nick as he flailed to the floor, spilling his drink all over himself and making his hood fall back from his face in the process. He landed hard, momentarily stunning him and forcing him to close his eyes tight against the world.

When Nick opened his eyes again, Troy was standing before him, his own eyes wide with shock as he looked down at Nick. The two stared at each other a moment before Troy smiled and held out a hand that Nick took without hesitation. The instant Troy had Nick on his feet the taller man had pulled him into a bone crushing hug.

“I don’t…  How are you here? You were dead, my mom killed you! How the hell are you alive?” Nick asked, pulling away and looking Troy over. The left side of his temple had a gnarly pink/red scar that spider webbed around the corner of his eye from where the hammer had struck and torn away flesh. His hair covered a section of it, but it was still painfully obvious against the natural tone of Troy’s skin.

“She knocked me out. Pretty sure she fractured my skull, too. I woke up a few days later in some village down river. They told me someone blew up the dam and I was found on the riverbank not long after.” Troy explained looking Nick over as well. “You look like shit.” He added.

Nick snorted a laugh at that. “You’re one to talk.”

“I don’t know. I think the scars give me an air of mystery.” Troy said, grinning broadly at Nick like it’d been a day since they’d seen each other last and not over two months.  

Nick found himself grinning back. “They give you an air of crazed serial killer.”

“So, you’re saying they don’t affect my boyish good looks in the slightest then.” Troy quipped, earning a punch in the shoulder for it.

Nick rolled his eyes before turning back to the bar to flag the tender down for another drink. “Okay, so, you’re alive, you have been this whole time. What the hell, man? Where have you been? Why didn’t you come looking for me sooner?” He asked as righted his stool and took a seat.

“I had amnesia.” Troy said with a shrug as he sat down beside Nick.

“You’re kidding.”  

“Nope. Couldn’t even tell you my own name up until a few days ago. People that found me were calling me Joe. I hated it. But on the bright side I learned some Spanish and I think I’m a little less racist now.” He said with a small laugh before taking a sip of his water.

“Of course, you did.” Nick said with a fond smile and a shake of his head. “It’s really good to see you. You would not believe the nightmares I’ve had since everything that went down at the dam.”

“Yeah? I’ve had nightmares about what happened at the dam too.” Troy said, cocking his head a little to catch Nick’s eye as he stared down into his drink.

“Yeah?” Nick asked, blinking up from his drink to meet Troy’s gaze.  

“Yeah.” Troy said, scratching at his jaw as he thought about it. “I’d see Madison coming at me with the hammer, then I’d see you looking horrified, then I’d wake up thinking it was actually happening.”

“I’m sorry.” Nick blurted.

“For what?” Troy asked with a snort. “Madison’s the one who snapped and tried to kill me. That isn’t your fault.”

“But it is! I couldn’t protect you! If I hadn’t gotten cornered by Daniel then mom never would have found out what really happened with the horde and you never would have gotten hurt!” Nick argued, turning his body so he was mostly facing Troy now.

“Nick, she would have found out eventually. And chances are she would have had a gun instead of a hammer when she did. I don’t blame you for how things went down.” Troy said, grabbing hold of Nick’s hand and giving a squeeze as he looked the younger man in the eyes.

Nick looked from Troy’s eyes down to where the older man’s hand was holding his own. The contact made his stomach do a funny little flip. He kind of liked the felling. “Troy, what are-”

“Just, hear me out.” Troy cut in, giving Nick’s hand another squeeze as he made Nick look him in the eye again. “I couldn’t remember who you were for over two months, but you were in every single dream I had in that time and one thing became crystal clear to me. I am so in love with you, Nick. I’m in love with you and I wanna be with you for the rest of my life.”

Nick felt like he was dreaming. He had to be. No way in hell this was actually happening.

“What the hell is going on!?!?!” Luciana yelled from behind Nick, breaking the spell Troy’s word had created.

Nick yanked his hand from Troy’s so grasp fast he almost pulled the taller man from his bar stool in the process. “Luciana, you’re back.” Nick said as he moved to stand.

“Answer me, Nick! Qué está haciendo aquí este psicópata? Tu me dijiste que el había muerto!” She spat, glaring daggers at Troy, who had moved to stand behind Nick.

“Calm down, please, people are staring.” Nick said, grabbing hold of Luciana’s arm and pulling her away from the busy cantina and in the direction of their living quarters.

“I will not calm down! What is he even doing here?” Luciana asked as she yanked her arm free of Nick’s grip.

“He came looking for me. He survived my mom attacking him and when the dam blew it washed him down river. El despertó con amnesia después de eso. Sus recuerdos acaban de regresar hace unos días.” Nick explained, feeling like his life had turned into a fucking telenovela or some kind of harlequin romance novel.  

“Te das cuenta de lo loco que suena eso?” Luciana scoffed as she came to stop outside the door to  their room. “You lost your family because of him, Nick! Why were you even talking to that monster?”

“Because he is my family! Cuando tu te fuiste el estuvo ahí para mí! When I got high and lost my mind in the middle of a horde he saved me! I know he’s a monster, but so am I, Luci. The only difference between us is that I tried not to be!” Nick defended, all of the feelings he’d been ignoring for far too long coming out in one burst.

“Y qué hay de mi? If you consider that bastardo family then que soy yo?” She demanded, getting right in Nick’s face.

“Luciana, I-”

“Don’t! If you’re going to let that monster back into your life then I want no part in it. Tienes que tomar una decisión, Nick.” She said flatly before pushing past him and disappearing into their shared living space.

Nick watched her go, eyes wide in shock and a hand held out in front of him where he’d reached to try and stop her. A moment later he heard a throat being cleared and he turned to see Troy standing a few feet behind him.

“Did you mean all that?” Troy asked, head tilted a little to the side as he studied Nick closely, like he thought it all might be a lie.

“Every word.” Nick said softly, locking eyes with Troy.

“I’ll understand if you choose Luciana.” Troy said after a short pause with a nod of his head. “I know how much you care about her.”

“Cared.” Nick corrected without thinking. He blinked in confusion at his own statement before speaking again. “I mean, I still care about her… But not like I did before she left the ranch…”

Troy looked a bit taken aback by Nick’s confession, his blue eyes wide and trained on Nick’s face. “So… How do you feel about me then? You didn’t really get a chance to say anything before we were interrupted back there.” He asked, trying hard not to sound hopeful.

“Honestly…” Nick began, taking a few steps forwards so he was right in Troy’s personal space when he went to speak again. This close he could he could see the few strands of red hiding in the dirty blonde of Troy’s beard when his gaze flicked down to the older man’s mouth momentarily. “I’ve been in love with you since the night we got high together and you stopped me from talking myself to death.” He said with a small smile. “Maybe longer…”

Troy’s features broke into a broad smile before he brought both hands to cup Nick’s face and pull him into a kiss. It was soft, and sweet, and totally not what Nick would have expected from a first kiss from Troy Otto. It was perfect.

When the kiss ended a moment later, Troy let his forehead rest against Nick’s as he looked him in the eyes. “So, it took you that long to fall for me?”

Nick snorted a laugh and pushed Troy away from him playfully. “Like you loved me from day one.” He snarked, remembering the look of boredom on Troy’s face the first time he’d seen him covered in walker blood back at the depot.

“Nah. I loved you from the moment you held a gun to my head and told me I wasn’t a scientist.” Troy said easily as he continued to smile at Nick.

Nick cracked another smile at that. “Of course, that would be the moment.” He said with a roll of his eyes. “Hey, let’s get out of here. I don’t know about you, but I seriously hate this place.”

“Where do you want to go?” Troy asked, blinking down at where Nick had taken his hand and laced their fingers together.

“I don’t know, but I’ve got a car and credits for enough gas and supplies to hold us over for a while.” Nick said easily, leading the way to the busy trade area of the bazaar.

“You’re not going to say anything to Luciana?” Troy asked, looking back over his shoulder at the door the woman had vanished through before turning to watch where Nick was taking him.

“She was listening, she knows what my choice is.” Nick said with a shake of his head.

With that they got enough supplies to get them started someplace new, and they left the bazaar. Neither of them looked back or wondered what could have happened if either of them chose differently.

[anoritheark]

Life is Work and Work is Life

I’m coming back from two weeks in New Orleans where I was tired and uninspired and did very little writing. Instead, I read and drank and walked around. “It’s good for you,” I was told time and time again. But it didn’t feel that way. It felt like life was pointless. I felt desperate. My father always said that if you don’t like work, you’re not going to like life. Jim Henson concurred: “I love…

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[alicielalone]

Pursue Your Joy, Damn It!

You need to remind others and yourself that you have the ability and the resources to do great things and enjoy life. Pursue your joy, damn it! This is a hard thing to do because this isn’t what many of us are raised to do or learn. Just as fear alerts you to what you find dangerous, joy alerts you to what sparks excitement in your life.

I had to get that out because I’m sick of us limiting…

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[hopingforcoordinates]

How do you think grief would look like on Andrew? Your style of writing Andrew I mean, (which I prefer to canon not gonna like)

Gonna throw out a warning for self-endangerment and depression--

I think grief would look like vacancy and passive self-destruction on Andrew--i.e. smoking extra cigarettes, not caring enough to put a jacket on in the cold or the rain, not always looking before crossing the street, etc. I imagine to get through it he’d rely heavily on his routine. He’d go to practice and classes and appointments with Betsy just because the alternative is staying in bed and he knows he can’t let himself do that. He’d motivate himself with the promises he made to his family and eventually the grief would shrink enough for him to take a full breath again. 

[bxdcubes]

Things that changed after I finished working at the office:

my beer intake dropped. I had none in 1,5 weeks.

the scabs on my scalp are all healed.