The Fortune of Fancy Pants #11
John was intrigued by the other three’s past in the farm school districts. After much backstory they began trying to explain how the volunteering and tribute system worked.
“What if two people both volunteer? Is there a preliminary game for that? Like a Regional game, or playoffs? Can’t you volunteer, and then let everyone get food with extra entries?”
All these questions and more were thoroughly and logically explained to John’s satisfaction.
They all agreed it was so perfect a system that it was almost a shame they tore it down, when suddenly a familiar wormhole appeared.
The gifter of his pants, Alfonzo, suddenly leapt out of it.
“Phew,” He said, shaking his head and straightening his tie,
“Assassin!” Someone cried, and pulled out a blaster.
“Wait!” John cried, “Its okay, I know him!”
The conspirators relaxed, but only slightly.
Alfonzo cleared his throat, and stepped off the table, “Quite, quite, thank you young master.”
“I am Alfonzo Nitchtikity, guardian of many things. Young John here is something of a ward of mine.”
They turned for John’s approval, he shrugged, “I don’t really know what a ward is.”
“I have arrived to request you come to the school at once, classes start in a few days you know, and well…ahem, the administration has become rather concerned about your recent actions.”
“What? Avenging my parents?” John asked
“Here here!” Blehmitch jeered. “Justice for the patricidal bad guys of all lands! Justice for the parents of the orphans of Tyranny!”
He went on with more impassioning jingoistic witticisms.
Alfonzo’s faced soured and his lips pursed together in guilt. “John my apologies, I’m really sorry to say this, I really am.
In some ways I believe that I am a bit responsible on this, I have a problem speaking clearly about certain emotional situations. But John, you must understand that you’re parents had nothing to do with Gaius Chair, or anyone here really. “
“But you said they were being held captive by a fancy evil guy.” John riposted
“Well, I did say something like that yes, but Chair definitely wasn’t the one, no not nearly evil enough, and definitely no where near fancy enough.”
“Oh…” John replied meekly,
“Yes, your parents perished in the great intergalactic genetocide wars by the hand of Galgatros the Exterminator. My apologies John, they are very much dead, very very much dead.”
John looked distraught, but didn’t want to appear so in front of all his cool friends, so he looked at his feet instead, and pretended sadness was an alien emotion to him.
Nausos rubbed his shoulder, “Its okay John, you helped us here, I’m glad to help you avenge your parents.”
John squeezed his eyes shut and contorted his face so everyone would think he was just having a seizure instead of being on the verge of tears.
“That’s very noble young lady.” Alfonzo assured, “However that would be quite suicidal, verily. You see Galgatros has the largest galactic fleet in the universe.
Even leaving all that by the wayside he’s a demigod from the inner clusters…why…why he’s got the equivalent of eight hundred human brains. That’s like having the thinking power of eight million puppies. Eight million!”
“Why tell me this now Alfonzo!” John finally said shaking.
“You can’t go on questing for vengeance young Fancypants! Now this revolution you caused is all fine and dandy…
Only a few million people will die tops, and Panzan was already kind of a shit place, but you can’t go around wielding power that you don’t properly understand!”
A few murmurs of protest echoed from the council.
“Millions?” Non asked.
Titus made a wishy washy gesture with his hands, “That’s grossly…exaggerating.”
Alfonzo approached him, “Please John, classes start in less than five days. At least get some rest, and think it over. You look like you haven’t slept in days.”
He moved closer, whispering in his ear, “And between you and me, things are about to really fly out of control here. Those evil blonde folks washing the dishes are really seething.”
John rubbed his stiff blonde hair, “That sounds about right. I don’t want to go to school though!”
“Why not?” Alfonzo, “It’s very relaxing there.”
“Because!” He replied, “The news about my parents, and the revolution has given me…” He trailed off.
“Given you what?” Nausos asked.
John stared off into space for a long time. His look pierced through the wall, trying to grind up the correct word to describe his incredibly unique state. Finally it came to him,
“It’s given me…Angst!”
“Way to go!” Blehmitch yelled, “He was perfectly fine until you showed up!”
Alfonzo nervously apologized as the Tyrannidae chewed him out for being such a negative buzz kill.
“No Alfonzo! I won’t go to school just yet.” John continued
The Tyrannidae cheered.
“I will go to the darkest, deepest, most angst ridden place in existence to mourn! Come, you will show me the way!”
Their cheers died a quick death.
Alfonzo sighed, “Very well, please say your goodbyes.”
And so John did, he embraced his fellow victors tightly, and shook hands with the councilors.
“I wish I could stay and rule with all of you,” He said, “But I will be taking this gold so that’s like a good parting gift! Also your memories! Those will also be valuable to me, I’m sure!”
And so he left in the wormhole with Alfonzo. As soon as they stepped into the portal they were already somewhere else. Somehow they went from standing to sitting.
Sitting where? They were sitting in the drab cabin of a commercial airplane.
“Please Master Fancypants, allow me to stow your war pillagings, they will draw the wrong kind of attention.”
John nodded, and helped load the valuables into a suitcase that Alfonzo pulled from thin air.
He yawned, and slunk unconscious almost immediately. Alfonzo got up from the seat to creep away when, he jerked awake in a panic.
“Alfonzo!”
“Err, yes?” He asked, half-guiltily.
“Where are we going exactly?”
“As you requested, the most brooding dark place any teenager can envision.”
“Where’s that?”
“The rural Northwest!”
“Oh! No?” John exclaimed. He looked more confused than panicked. He stared at the fancy butler for a moment and then collapsed back into unconsciousness.