I’ve been thinking a lot about the year I turned 14–the last year I spent at my mom’s house and the beginning of my new life with my dads.
It was the year that everything changed for me, but it would take a while before I’d realize just how impactful that time of my life was.
My therapist suggested I do some journaling about this time period since it’s been weighing on my mind.
When we were 13, my twin Chantal and I were living with my mom and her then husband, Jimmy.
Our younger sister, Trinity, was also in the house. My older sister, Destiny, had moved out of the family home long ago, leaving me without the protection of a stable adult in the house. Not that I could blame her for getting out of there as soon as she could.
I still hadn’t learned the true identity of my father, and I assumed by that point that he wanted nothing to do with me.
Jimmy had a strong dislike for my Chantal and me, and he had it out for me in particular. The details are too depressing to get into, but let’s just say he took his anger out on me both physically and emotionally. I was too scared to tell my mother the truth, having been told over and over that she wouldn’t believe me.
As bad as things were at that time, they would only get worse and worse as the year continued.
I still remember my 14th birthday like it was yesterday. It was the first birthday, but unfortunately not the last, that my mother would forget.
Chantal and I had arrived home from school that day to an empty house.
“Where do you think they are?” Chantal asked me.
“They probably forgot about us.”
“No way. They’re probably getting some last minute gifts or planning a surprise.”
“Do you really think that? Mom barely pays any attention to us these days.”
“Yeah, I do. You’ll see.”
We waited and waited, but there was no sign of the rest of our family. It was an unignorable sign of what was to come in our 14th year.
When she finally got home, we tried to talk to mom about how hurtful it was that she missed our birthday. She waved it off.
“I’ll get you two some gift cards,” she’d told us. She didn’t understand that we didn’t want gifts; we wanted her time. At this point, she was barely recognizable from who she was a few short months ago. She was lost in a haze of drugs and the stronghold Jimmy had on her.
There are some moments that stick with you forever, and when you recall them later in life you remember exactly what you were doing.
This was one of those moments. I was watching TV--some trashy reality show was running a marathon that I somehow got sucked into--when my phone rang.
It was Trinity. I had texted her earlier to ask if she wanted one of the kittens that Taco had recently (don't worry, I got her fixed soon after).
"Hey, Trin," I answered. "Are you calling about the kitten?"
"Yeah, I totally want one!" she exclaimed. "I just need to make sure mom's okay with it. And, um, someone else, too."
I could sense a bit of nervousness in her voice. "What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well...I need to ask Dad. He kind of lives here now."
I felt a gnawing sensation in my stomach. My mind was racing. Why would Jimmy be living at my mom's apartment? Certainly after everything that happened she wouldn't be stupid enough to trust him again, or cruel enough to betray me like that.
"Trinity, what the fuck are you talking about?"
"Don't be mad, but Mom and my Dad kind of got back together."
My stomach was gurgling now. I was afraid I was going to vomit. It felt like ice was running through my veins, but I somehow felt too hot at the same time.
"Please tell me you're joking." My voice couldn't hide what was happening in my body; it was unsteady, shaking, along with the rest of me. I gripped my phone tighter, worried I would drop it with my quivering hands.
"I'm not, but it's not a big deal," Trinity replied with the naivety of a teenager who didn't understand that some things can't be swept under the rug. "He's changed, I promise!"
"I don't care if he changed." I didn't like the curt tone I was using with her, but anger was building in me, threatening to spill out of me like water from a boiling kettle. "He can save every orphan in the goddamn city for all I care. Mom never should have let him back in the house."
"Whatever. You'll see. Anyway, when can I get my kitten?"
"You can't. I'm not letting my cat in the house with your dad. There's no telling what he'll do."
"Johnny, that's so not fair! Why can't you just be happy for me? He's not going to do anything!"
"I'm sorry, but I changed my mind. I can't keep talking about this, but when your dad shows his true colors again, call me and I'll come get you."
I didn't wait for a response. I ended the call feeling restless, desperate to make the pain I was feeling go way.
Unsure of what to do, I texted a few people; my dads, my sisters, Paul. No one got back to me. They were all working, in class, or otherwise occupied. Frustrated, I found myself texting Stephen, Carina's dealer.
Soon I was on my way out the door, eager for a distraction.
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It was a beautiful summer day, nice and sunny with a gentle breeze that was just right for a day at the beach. Destiny had been trying to get Johnny to meet with her (and their sisters) for a couple of weeks, but he kept coming up with excuses to stay home.
When she reached out with an invite to Playa Del Sol, though, he couldn’t bring himself to turn down the offer. The beach was one of his favorite places; he couldn’t be unhappy for long with the ocean in view.
Johnny was sitting in the sand, attempting to mold the wet clumps into something vaguely recognizable. On the other side of the lumpy mess, his nephew Darien gleefully tossed two handfuls of sand into the air.
“That’s the way to do it, buddy!” Johnny laughed. “You’re an architect in the making!” Darien babbled in agreement.
“You’re really good with him,” Destiny said.
Johnny shrugged. “It’s pretty easy. I just have to play like a little kid and say silly things to make him laugh.”
“He doesn’t take to people very easily. I think you're better with kids than you give yourself credit for. You’ll be a great dad one day!”
Johnny scrunched up his nose. “I don’t know about that. At this rate I doubt I’ll even get married.”
“Come on, Johnny! I know it hurts that things didn’t work out with Lexie, but this is your first heartbreak. Give it some time and you’ll be ready to try again.”
“My first heartbreak, huh? So that means there are more coming.”
“Maybe, maybe not. But everyone goes through it.”
“Not you. You married your first love,” Johnny pointed out.
Destiny sighed. “Yeah, I guess I’m not the best person to go to for breakup advice. But I do know that you’re too much of a romantic to give up on love for good.”
“Do you think you and Tyler are soulmates? Or do you even believe in that sort of thing?”
“Hmm, I don’t know. It’s a nice thought, that some magical force brought us together. But even if we are meant to be, our relationship still takes work. We both had to put ourselves out there and we both have to continue making an effort. Not just for us, but for Darien, too.”
“Uh, wait.” Johnny began looking around in a panic, realizing Darien was no longer next to them. “Where is Darien?”
Destiny whipped around to find Darien toddling off towards the concessions stand. “Shit! Darien, get back here!” She darted off behind him.
“Go, Darien! Make a break for it!” Johnny couldn’t help but laugh now that he knew his nephew was safe and sound.
While Destiny wrangled her runaway toddler, Johnny walked over to talk to Chantal and Trinity who were sunbathing on some lounge chairs.
“You two aren’t done roasting yet?”
“We’re not roasting, we’re getting a summer glow,” Trinity corrected.
“Hmm, well I hear the rotisserie chicken look is totally in right now.”
“Ha ha, you’re so funny,” Chantal deadpanned. “Where’s Destiny?”
“Chasing after Darien. Here they come now.”
“No more escaping, mister,” Destiny lectured as she plopped onto the ground, pulling Darien firmly into her lap.
“You’ve gotta get faster, dude! Freedom is just around the corner,” Johnny countered.
Destiny pointed to Johnny. “Don’t listen to a word this one says. He’ll get you in trouble. Say ‘no, no, Uncle Johnny!’”
“No no!” Darien repeated with a giggle, clapping his hands with delight.
“Oh, you’re gonna tell me what to do? I’ll show you!” Johnny knelt down and scooped Darien into his arms.
Darien’s giggles turned into high-pitched squeals as his uncle lifted him into the air. Johnny considered what Destiny said earlier about him being a good father someday.
The thought of parenthood scared him a bit–there are so many ways you can mess a kid up, after all. But seeing the joy on Darien's face was like getting a glimpse into the future. One without late nights at the club, fights with his family, or meaningless sex.
Maybe Destiny was right and he was giving up too easily. It wasn't too late for him to have a life like his sister's--a happy marriage, beautiful kids, a job he loved.
For now, though, he was just focused on being a good uncle. All the fun without the responsibility.
“Come on, let’s go get some ice cream,” he said, carrying Darien towards the concessions stand.
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Trinity: [grumbling] Fine, I’ll take it to your car myself.
Jimmy: What are we going to do with this girl?
Bonnie: [laughing] She’s a handful! Hey, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.
Jimmy: Ok, shoot.
Bonnie: I know you’re supposed to have Trinity every other weekend, but my birthday’s coming up in a couple of weeks. I thought about having all of my kids over for a little party now that we’re all getting along better. Do you mind if she stays here that weekend?
Jimmy: Well, I guess that’s fine. But you owe me another switch if I have something come up in the future.
Bonnie: Deal! Thanks for not giving me a hard time about it.
Jimmy: Hey, I told you, Trinity comes first. And that means we need to get along for her sake. You know, next time you could just invite me and Trinity could spend time with both of her parents.
Bonnie: Don’t push it, Jimmy. Johnny’s going to be there, and I already told you that wouldn’t be a good idea.
Jimmy: Ok, ok, I got it. But this can’t go on forever. What happens at Trinity’s graduation or her wedding? I’m sure as hell not missing out on those.
Bonnie: [rolling her eyes] Neither of those things are happening anytime soon. How about we cross that bridge when we get to it, hmm?
Jimmy: I guess. Okay, Trin, are you ready to spend the weekend with your favorite guy?
Trinity: Demarcus is going to be there? Sweet!
Jimmy: Haha, you wish, ya little smartass!
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Trinity: Fine. Dad has this thing called a VCR. Have you ever seen one? We watched a bunch of old movies on it. Like from the olden days in the 90s! It was so vintage.
Bonnie: [laughs] Yeah, I’ve seen one. I’m glad you had a good time.
Trinity: Aren’t you going to talk to Dad?
Bonnie: I’d rather not.
Jimmy: Hey, Bonnie! I told ya I’d bring our girl back in one piece.
Bonnie: Yeah, imagine if you mistreated one of my kids. Actually, I don’t have to imagine that.
Jimmy: Bonnie, can’t we just leave the past behind us? I know what I did was plain evil, but I swear on my life, I’m not that person anymore.
Bonnie: I can’t just take your word on that, Jimmy. This is my child. I couldn’t forgive myself if I let something like that happen again.
Jimmy: She's our child, Bonnie, and I would give my life for her. You don’t have to believe I’m a good person, but at least believe that Trinity is safe with me.
Bonnie: I’m tryin’. God knows I want that to be true.
Jimmy: Look, no matter what, we’re both her parents and we’re gonna have to be civil for her sake. I’m not asking to be friends or nothin’. But you don’t hafta treat me like your enemy.
Bonnie: Well, Destiny’s been pretty busy with her job and her baby. He’s getting bigger by the day. You should see how much that kid eats. He just started solids and he can’t get enough.
Jimmy: [laughs] He gets that from his grandma. For as slim as you are, you could always put food away like no one’s business. Man. It’s hard to believe you have a grandbaby. When did we get so old?
Bonnie: It snuck up quick, didn’t it? Destiny’s a mom, Chantal’s working for a successful company…before you know it, Trinity’s gonna be grown up and we’ll really feel old then.
Jimmy: And Johnny? Is he doing ok?
Bonnie: [sighs] He’s doing great, despite everything. We’re finally talkin’ again and it’s nice.
Jimmy: I’m glad to hear that. I really want to apologize to him. For everything. I owe him that.
Bonnie: [shakes her head] It’s not the time, Jimmy. It might not ever be. Some things can’t be forgiven.
Jimmy: I know, I don’t expect him to forgive me. I just want him to know I’m sorry.
Bonnie: If you’re trying to do right by him, maybe it’s best to just leave him alone. I think it would hurt more than it would help. Maybe one day, but definitely not now.
Jimmy: If you think so, I’ll leave him be. It was nice talking to you, Bonnie.
Bonnie: Yeah.
Trinity: Mom, can Dad stay for dinner?
Bonnie: He’s gotta get going. But I’ll make you whatever you want.
Trinity: Can we order a pizza?
Bonnie: Sure, why not?
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Bonnie: Oh, good. I was starting to get worried that they wouldn’t show. I never know about your brother. That reminds me, don’t say anything to him about your dad being out of jail.
Trinity: Why not?
Bonnie: Because I’m really trying to work on our relationship and I feel like it’ll just set him off. I’ll tell him later, but I don’t want to make this situation any harder than it already is.
[The doorbell rings and Bonnie lets Johnny and Chantal inside]
Bonnie: It’s so good to see you!
Johnny: You too!
Chantal: You look so grown, Trin!
Trinity: Yeah, right. I need a growth spurt already. I’m the shortest kid in my grade.
Johnny: It’ll happen before you know it.
Chantal: Yeah, I grew a few inches practically overnight when I became a teenager.
Bonnie: Are you sure neither of you will be able to come for Christmas?
Chantal: Sorry, but we just have a lot going on with Dad and Pops.
Bonnie: I know, I know…I just don’t see why you can’t come here just one time. You’ve spent the past few Christmas’ with them, and I just think–
Johnny: Mom, you know we don’t like it when you meddle into our relationship with our dads. Besides, I have plans with my girlfriend, too.
Chantal: Look, we’re here now, so let’s just try to enjoy our time together, ok?
Bonnie: You’re right. So, Johnny, is this the same girl you were telling me about before?
Johnny: Yeah, her name is Lexie. She’s really great.
Chantal: You should see them together. They’re so into each other. It’s adorable!
Bonnie: I’d love to get to meet this girl you’re so smitten with.
Johnny: Sure, maybe one day.
Bonnie: Do you know what you’re getting her for Christmas yet?
Johnny: I’m not sure. I had an idea, but shopping is harder than I expected.
Trinity: You should get her a ring. That’s what Demarcus is getting me.
Chantal: A ring??? You’re not trying to get engaged at your age, are you?
Trinity: No way, I’m still a kid! I just like jewelry.
Johnny: Wait, how do you know he's getting you a ring?
Trinity: Um, because I told him to!
Bonnie: Are you seeing anybody, Chantal?
Chantal: No, I’ve been too busy with work and school and everything. I’ve really been liking my job, though. I already got my first bonus!
Bonnie: That’s wonderful, baby! And don’t you worry, you’ll find a man when you’re ready. You’re too beautiful to be single for long.
Chantal: Ok, mom.
Bonnie: I’m just so glad that all of my kids are doing so well. I know it hasn’t been perfect, but I feel really blessed right now.
Johnny: Yeah, so do I.
Chantal: Me too!
Trinity: Oh my God, you guys are so embarrassing. I’m going to go to my room before you make me sick.
Johnny: Aw, don't go Trinity! We love you so much, our little pookie bear!
Trinity: Ugh, gross!!!
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[Bonnie and Trinity are in the living room of their apartment]
Bonnie: Hey, Trin. Texting Demarcus again?
Trinity: Yeah, I think he likes me. Or at least I told him he did.
Bonnie: Um, ok. You sure remind me of myself at your age, obsessed with boys and feisty as can be. I just hope you're this assertive when you get older.
Trinity: Don't worry mom, any boy that messes with me will live to regret it.
Bonnie: [laughs] That's good to know! Look, baby, there's something I need to tell you.
Trinity: What is it?
Bonnie: Well, your dad is being released from prison early for good behavior. I can't believe he's getting out so soon when they already gave him such a light sentence. He'll be on parole, but he wants to reconnect with you.
Trinity: Can he even do that?
Bonnie: Well, it depends on what the judge says, baby. My lawyer thinks he may be able to get supervised visits since courts usually try to keep families together.
Trinity: What do you mean by supervised?
Bonnie: It means you'll only see him for short periods of time, and someone trustworthy will be there watching. How do you feel about that?
Trinity: I don't know...I know he was mean to Johnny, but I just remember him being nice to me. And I do miss him sometimes.
Bonnie: Well, I promise I'll do whatever it takes to keep you safe. I'm not letting anyone hurt my kids again.
Trinity: I know, mom. I'm not too worried.
Bonnie: I just hope for your sake he really has changed.
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