and I have not been successful in getting them back into place good grief is this karma for leaving my barbie dolls with popped out legs as a child? who do i apologize to, because i am so sorry (joking but like b o y h o w d y)
...holy fuck i wish i could have ice cream but if i play chicken with another allergy i might put myself squarely in Find Out 😮💨
thoughts on chronic conditions and choice i guess i dunno
Maybe I give compression garments another shot. I'll ask my physical therapist about a bunch of different braces/supports and their efficacy vs what exercises might give the same support on the muscular end if I can't deal with the compression.
Maybe I try to get to the point where I can sit up after work again so I can be at my computer and commit to learning animation. Spend my time pursuing that instead of gnashing my teeth while scrolling past rancid hot takes and bullshit arguments on the internet.
Maybe I go back to being the person who makes art because I want to rather than because there's an assignment due.
It'll be slow going and I'll have to push past the voice that hollers failure in despair because bad days and pain are hard to see past when they dominate the majority of your existence. But I don't want this feeling of progressing rot anymore.
I get mad because I don't feel validated in the work I've put in all these years to remain a person, but the work has to be for me, externally validated or not. And on the medical end recently some of the steps I'm taking are working. Which tells me to keep moving. Some aren't. But doubling back on a dead end path isn't failure, it just means I took a wrong turn and need to go a different way.
So I talk to my physical therapist, prepare questions, force that instant gratification monkey in my brain to sit down for a second, and take my time to get better. And if no one sees the hard work, fine. Most never have any way. This has to be for me.
I am, however, very fucking run down though and my sinuses ribs and hip are in a joint effort to make it ✨️difficult✨️ for me to walk or breathe so I'm gonna gently shuffle into the kitchen, get some chicken nuggets and some juice, take my meds, and rest for the day because I need a minute. Rinsing the same spoon every morning for the last few years has made me a bit tired.
I was going to say convivial, but I am going to go with pejorative. It's been very useful these last few years and I've grown quite fond of it. Convivial, however, shall remain a very close second. My penultimate favorite, if you will.
just got to another Astarion romance scene and got negged through his entire confession:
"...I needed to get someone on my side. And seducing you was easy, frankly [Rude. True, but rude]. So imagine how stupid I felt when I started to...genuinely feel something for you [Okay?]. Trust me, I was not happy about it [I'm sorry??]. You were a complication I didn't see coming [My bad???]."
that's the height of romance right there. pack it in y'all, we've peaked
(note: I'm joking of course, I've been going feral over this scene since I got it I love it I swear, but damn it's hilarious to watch Astarion run full tilt into an objectively rude confession and have it cut to my Tav's less than enthused expression [see below])
