Whiny whining to follow.
Since I can’t stop crying and sobbing, and I can’t even sleep as I usually do in the afternoon I will just write down here the shit that my brain is putting me through to see if at least it can distract myself.
Today i really feel like shit and I had some king of nervous breakdown and now I can’t stop crying. I also feel sick physically and I’m nauseous and weak and I feel like suffocating here in my room. I just feel suffocating in general and i don’t have the strenght nor the will to go out, it wouldn’t change anything. I feel like I can’t stay here anymore, I want to go home this very moment, and I’m so looking forward to the end of the month, when I’ll go back home in Italy for a few days with the excuse of a comic con. Truth is, I booked my flights because I really need a break from here, and I already know that I won’t want to go back to Oslo afterwards. I feel completely alone and isolated, and I don’t even have someone to visit or to talk to today, because one of my best friends here is out of town for the whole weekend, and the other, who is also my flatmate, left last night and won’t come back until next Sunday. Which means that it will be just me and my stupid brain for the next week. My other friend will be back tonight, but her husband is visiting so I don’t want to bother her, since she already has her own problems to deal with.
I’m so unstable today that even just reading fic makes me want to cry more for no apparent reason. I don’t know what I’m doing here, I’m procrastinating dealing with my thesis because I haven’t the faintest idea what do it about, and even with my friends here I feel alone most of the time, like I didn’t belong anywhere. And all the people I would like to be near to are at hundreds or thousands of km from here. I also feel like I’m slowly loosing my relationship with my best friends in Berlin. I don’t speak with them as often as I would like, because they’re very busy, we never Skype and they now have their own life and friends there anyway, I just feel that I’m left out and out of place everywhere, and that I will always be and feel alone.
Of course I’ve also written to my therapist, because I still feel sick and constantly tired, and that’s not supposed to happen with the new therapy I’m doing, quite the opposite. And then today I had this stupid breakdown no matter the various meds I’m taking every day. I just want to go home to my kitties and lie on the bed with them forever. I’m numb and at the same time agitated, and I feel like a fly hitting a window pane without hope of getting out. Out of what, I don’t even know. And of course I should also study today, but I’m feeling so down that I want to bang my head against a wall just to lose consciousness and stop feeling things. From how things look out right now, this year won’t be any better than the previous one in Iceland. I hope the end of the month will come quickly, and then Pigolini reunion and kitty love.