I’m so blown away by how the Lord has moved in my life and truely He has blessed me so greatly. So going into this year, I was raised up to so many leadership positions by the positioning of the Lord and so greatly blessed and I just felt like I didn’t deserve it. I guess because of the mistakes I made in the past, like I never fully got over the guilt and condemnation and shame I felt from going into an unevenly yoked relationship despite knowing it didn’t glorify God and still like carrying it on with it secret. I felt unworthy and sorely inadequate also because I saw the people around me and felt like were more capable and I didn’t believe the Lord would use me because of my past mistakes and flaws. These feelings just kinda snowballed and intensified and I just felt like I was suffocating and just like drowning under the weight of my impossible burdens and responsibilities and expectations I imposed on myself. But the Lord has always been faithful even when I’ve been faithless and lacking in faith. The night before CF camp I was coming down with a flu and like kinda reluctant to go because camps just make me anxious but the next morning I was completely fine and I felt the Lord’s prompting to go so I decided to. The first day I just felt rly disappointed in myself because I felt incredibly lost and incompetent because I was selected to be a tribe leader and felt like I wasn’t meeting the expectations I felt were imposed upon me because I was selected to be the next Christian Fellowship President so I prayed and just went to the Lord with everything I was feeling and asked for His strength and help to make it through but He gave so much more than that. He poured out His love and it just overflowed it was so much more than enough. During the night of extended worship on the second day of camp (it was like 9.30pm-3am of worship and prayer and just staying in the Lord’s presence) the Lord just brought up these feelings of shame and guilt and condemnation I had buried deep within me and as I was kneeling there and as the Lord broke me apart as I surrendered those feelings to Him and allowed Him to restore me and make me whole again and for the first time in so so so long, I felt free. So like when a senior prayed for me, he said he saw a vision of like an unmolded clay with like cracks, some on the surface and some hidden so deep even I couldn’t see but the Lord sees all these and despite all that, He can still use me to do great things, He still loves me, He is still calling me. And on the third day, while praying, I saw an image of like myself having to hold up planks that were way too heavy and big for me and my hands were slipping but then I also saw God lifting it with me and it was like the Lord isn’t going to take away my burdens and scars and like He isn’t going to just make my problems go away i mean He can but isn’t doing that, instead His strength is going to see me through and walk with me through it that not by my strength but by His will I make it through. And honestly, I’m scared of what’s to come and I’m anxious, but I’m choosing to believe that my God is so much greater and His strength will see me through and He will provide for me that because He has purposed and positioned me here, He will see me through and give me strength. And I’m so so so much more excited to see how He will grow me and my walk with Him and how He will raise me up to do so much great things in His name and to glorify Him. God is really so good to me and He has truely blessed me so greatly.
